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I'm Training To Ruin A Marathon

theonion.com — When I set my mind to something, there's no turning back, no slowing down, and no excuses. So when I heard about the upcoming 17th Annual Richland County Marathon, I started training immediately. For the last four months, I have been pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion to prepare my mind and body for the ultimate physical challenge...

Bury
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  • bossm4n, on 06/18/2008, -5/+28Might I also suggest heavy axle grease on a few of the uphill climbs.
    • spdorsey, on 06/19/2008, -11/+1Was this dugg for it's title? I think so. It's a great typo.
      • spdorsey, on 06/19/2008, -1/+7I just saw the "onion" source. Duh!
  • tehbored, on 06/19/2008, -15/+17"Race day's tomorrow. No more excuses. No more letting my own fears, or my wife's sobbing pleas, or the combined efforts of city and state law enforcement agencies get in the way of me accomplishing my goal. No, sir. Not this time."

    This is so full of WIN.
    • jdaniel284, on 06/19/2008, -12/+24"This is so full of WIN."

      Don't be a follower. Using language like that makes you look like a semiconscious lemming.
  • Penn, on 06/19/2008, -22/+2Hahaha you spelled run wrong!
    • doobster, on 06/19/2008, -3/+1uh.... read the article...! its from the onion...!
      • Penn, on 06/19/2008, -2/+2sar·casm
        2. a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark: a review full of sarcasms.
  • robinthehood, on 06/19/2008, -17/+1Why would someone want to ruin a marathon?
    • SmokeyBear, on 06/19/2008, -0/+5I think the bigger question here is why wouldn't someone want to ruin a marathon?
  • fezzasus, on 06/19/2008, -14/+88Tip to digg users: rather than digging every onion and xkcd article, why not just bookmark the websites?
    • Darmichar, on 06/19/2008, -17/+3I don't mind the xkcd stuff, but I have never found the Onion's stuff funny. At least xkcd is only occasionally bad.
    • BDOUG, on 06/19/2008, -3/+38Hear hear! This will leave more room for more divinecaroline articles on the front page.

      (ducks and covers)
      • bosssmiley, on 06/19/2008, -0/+2"Wow! Now *that* is sarcasm." /Father Ted
    • Jenadae, on 06/19/2008, -1/+27Digg IS my bookmark tab...
    • pavetheforest, on 06/19/2008, -6/+3How you missed the whole point of digg, I will never know. Saying things just to be negative is worthless to everyone.
      • fezzasus, on 06/19/2008, -0/+2The point of digg is to collect popular articles from the world wide web, not popular articles from one website. If everything was sourced from one website, there wouldn't be much point in digg.
        • Aidje, on 06/19/2008, -0/+1Wait… I'm confused. I thought the point of Digg *was* to say things just to be negative. /sarcasm
    • hellsing47, on 06/19/2008, -2/+17The Onion has actual articles which not all of them make it.

      XKCD, regardless of content, always makes it on every update.
      • jtorkbob, on 06/19/2008, -0/+1Seconded. I have XKCD on RSS, but not The Onion because there's plenty of noise in that signal.
    • rvandy, on 06/19/2008, -0/+4I can't comment on my bookmarks.
    • invinciblechunk, on 06/19/2008, -0/+1Normally I would agree, but this one was - properly - categorized in the Comedy section. So give the submitter a break.
    • 1337chic, on 06/19/2008, -1/+1They do it for the witty repartee that is the commenting section.
    • SirTheGuy, on 06/19/2008, -1/+1Because that would make sense!
    • colorblindzebra, on 06/19/2008, -0/+1well, this article was funny for once.
      has anyone noticed the slow in cracked articles hitting the front page?

    • timf, on 06/19/2008, -0/+1I... I don't understand the difference.
  • dylansylvester, on 06/19/2008, -22/+1can this dude spell, is he retarded? wtf??? yeah its the onion, but that makes no sense
  • JeffLongoria, on 06/19/2008, -1/+53This Onion article STILL seems more realistic than "Canada: Court overturns father's grounding of 12-year-old"....
  • mhender, on 06/19/2008, -26/+4Just checking in to say that the Onion sucks and their articles are never funny.
  • DMBmelch, on 06/19/2008, -1/+11"That's why I like to start off my training day bright and early with a full breakfast of espresso, some diet pills, and a small bag of rock candy."
    The REAL breakfast of champions!
    • thisismyacct, on 06/20/2008, -1/+0small bag of crack rock candy, it keeps me edgy :P
  • hokie47, on 06/19/2008, -9/+1I want to tell some of my friends to STFU when they tell me they training for a marathon. They can't even run a 5k but they want to run a ***** marathon.
  • l4dyluck, on 06/19/2008, -11/+1OM NOM NOM NOM
  • Piontek, on 06/19/2008, -11/+4i was so in love with this guy... until i found out it was an onion article
  • lmhiatt, on 06/19/2008, -3/+14i'm ruining the dayton marathon in september, and possibly the detroit one in october.
    • yacks, on 06/19/2008, -0/+1why not think big and ruin the Boston Marathon?
  • jaypooner, on 06/19/2008, -6/+1almost fell for this article for a sec
  • tkinnun0, on 06/19/2008, -6/+1Let me guess, you're going to pee in every water bottle?
  • kelticrage, on 06/19/2008, -16/+0Please Digg http://digg.com/movies/Netflix_to_Cancel_Profiles
  • airwalkery2k, on 06/19/2008, -0/+10I skimmed the first few paragraphs at first, and it took me a second to catch on that he was going to "ruin" a marathon instead of "run". It made me feel stupid, but I found the article much more funny after that point.
  • sindex, on 06/19/2008, -1/+2"Once you're comfortable with that, you can work your way up to a larger goal, like breaking beer bottles into a sack and dumping them out in front of the wheelchair racers, or loading up on carbs and dairy so you can vomit all over the finish line."
    Funniest damn thing I'll read today.
  • Areiadebondi, on 06/19/2008, -0/+3Thanks for this great motivation! It was the best help for my training!
  • Clive, on 06/19/2008, -2/+3A little weak coming from the Onion...
  • uptwolait, on 06/19/2008, -2/+5We have two candidates ruining for the office of the presidency.
    • 1337chic, on 06/19/2008, -0/+4"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
      Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  • stefano1234, on 06/19/2008, -1/+3I love your fighting spirit! Keep it up. This is a great motivation for aspiring runners out there! Now I just want to ask, what motivates you to do this?
    • tychoides, on 06/19/2008, -0/+1I think you mean aspiring ruiners.
  • zerhynn, on 06/19/2008, -1/+2Someday marathon ruining will be a socially acceptable practice. Maybe even an art.
  • jfsimard79, on 06/19/2008, -11/+2Is the internet making us stupid?

    'I'm training to RUIN a marathon'

    Yep.

    [Update]
    Oups, I didn't see it was an Onion article. My bad. Still funny though.
    • Setter, on 06/19/2008, -0/+4The internet is certainly making you stupid.
  • sandiegodude, on 06/19/2008, -5/+2Heh. Having actual ran several 1/2 and Full Marathons, all I can say is. Good luck trying (and yes, I know its an Onion article, but still fun to think about)

    Not only would you have 5000 angry runners (who can sure as hell chase your ass down for a loooong time) but you'd also have the 15000 people watching along with all the cops and everybody else after your ass.

    Try more like "Man trampled to death trying to ruin marathon. In more interesting news, Bajir Bajimi from Kenya has set a new world record, completing the 26.2 mile course in less than 1 hour!"
    • BillE3, on 06/19/2008, -0/+1Let me guess, it was all dowhill on Killmanjaro.
  • Hase0, on 06/19/2008, -0/+5I like how many retards comments are based solely off the articles title. I have already seen about 6 comments saying "ITTSTS RUN NOT RUIN11!1!!". Granted some of these are lame attempts at sarcasm, but still have the equivalent stupidity of the retards who can't read the article before posting.
  • colorblindzebra, on 06/19/2008, -0/+1best part
    "Oh, I used to ruin cross-country meets back in high school. And there was that father-son fun ruin I did back in '06, of course, but that was just for charity."
  • krisscofield, on 06/19/2008, -6/+3I wish I could punch the Onion in the face.
  • ShanYu, on 06/19/2008, -1/+0The Onion rocks

    This is the same advice i got when training to RUN a marathon.

    Good stuff
  • Acuraracer32tl, on 06/19/2008, -0/+2Cover the track with gasoline or petrol and set it on FIRE!
  • DirtySanch, on 06/20/2008, -3/+1If I could I would punch the onion square in the neck.
  • stephenhacking, on 06/20/2008, -1/+1Have you considered therapy?
  •  

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