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The 10 Commandments of Public Transportation

cracked.com — 10 Commandments all methods of public transportation must follow. Or else.

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  • kd420, on 09/06/2008, -0/+42Two days ago I saw some guy asking for change because he got off at the wrong bus station. He asked about 10 people while I was there and the whole time his pants were jingling with the sound of how much change he scammed out of people. Most of these things are pretty common sense, because if you don't follow one of these you'll usually get a death stare from those around you, like Ms. Mad Preggers in the comic.
    • JakeW, on 09/07/2008, -6/+3Mirror: http://img129.imageshack.us/img129/2831/dlandsubwa ...
    • JohnFlux, on 09/07/2008, -0/+12I once really did get off the wrong bus station and then had to ask people for change. Nobody gave me any, and the station master called cops :(
      • stradf, on 09/07/2008, -2/+4:( How did the story ended?
      • afruff23, on 09/07/2008, -7/+4Couldn't you have just got on the train going the other way and got off at a station that you had enough change for?
      • pintomp3, on 09/07/2008, -0/+9happened to me once, but someone eventually did give me a couple dollars. having to ask strangers for money was a terrifying experience for a shy teenager.
      • JohnFlux, on 09/08/2008, -0/+5The ending isn't exciting. I found my debit card in my back pocket and bought a new ticket from the ticket machine :-D When the police turned up, I just showed them my ticket and they didn't do anything.
    • Sil369, on 09/08/2008, -1/+2I once saw some goth looking woman asking for money @ the subway assuming they were homeless. Some time later, I saw the same person in line to buy tickets for some rock/metal concert at a hall or something.
  • a1cd, on 09/06/2008, -1/+51I take public transport everyday from a university.. and it is amazing how stupid people are there
    - Group of loud girls with shrill voices-
    "Oh my god! I cant believe they charge $500 a semester for parking!"
    "I know eh!, I mean if you parked there everyday illegally and got a $15 ticket each day you would pay less a year!"

    Or once our bus stooped at one of its largest terminals, this old lady walks up to the driver and asks
    "Where Can I buy a ticket?"
    "That big blue box lady, you put your money in and get a ticket"
    The lady then walks BEHIND the ticket machine, stares at it for a few min, comes and asks
    "I cant find out where to put the money in!"
    • Renster84, on 09/06/2008, -21/+8500/15 = 33.3.
      You only spend just over a month at Uni in the whole year? wtf am i missing something?
      Or are you describing the act of ***** up female logic?
    • BoneheadFarker, on 09/07/2008, -0/+41I think I can top this.

      One day, I'm sitting at the back of the bus when this weird guy dressed in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt sits on the opposite side. I just ignore him at first while I was reading the paper. And then I noticed he was staring at me with a big dumbass grin on his face. I just turned back to my paper and ignored him again. He then picks up this flyer laying in front of him and holds it like I'm holding my paper, all the while staring right at me. At this point I figure ***** it...I'm close enough to walk the rest of the way home, I'm getting away from creepy dude. So I get off.

      A year later, I'm sitting in the back of the bus while waiting for it to leave. As I'm looking around, I see creepy dude walk out of the terminal. He looks at me, stops dead with big grin on his face, and then runs to get on the bus. He comes jogging to the back, then sits on me and just starts jiggling on top of me like he's having a seizure while repeating "hey buddy...hows it goin..." over and over again. I push the creep off me and go sit at the front of the bus, making sure I still had everything on me. Thankfully creepy dude stayed at the back and annoyed the other guy sitting back there.

      That's just one of the many strange things I've experienced while riding the bus...
      • Sil369, on 09/08/2008, -1/+5shouldve taken a pic w/ a cell and posted it on digg for us to lauff at
    • kamikaze134, on 09/07/2008, -3/+9$15/day * 3 months/semestre (minimum) * 4.3 weeks/month * 7 days/week
      = $1354.50 /semestre

      Better to buy the $500 parking pass.
      • afruff23, on 09/07/2008, -0/+55 days/week if you're commuting.
      • akruble, on 09/08/2008, -0/+3In a 16 week semester (at my university anyway), and going twice a week (two classes each day, so I'm full time) that works out to $480. Only at my school parking permits are only like $350. I still take public transportation though
    • meiran, on 09/07/2008, -2/+1Sounds like you go to my school. Though there the tickets for not getting a pass are $40.
    • thealsir, on 09/08/2008, -0/+4"Oh my god! I cant believe they charge $500 a semester for parking!"
      "I know eh!, I mean if you parked there everyday illegally and got a $15 ticket each day you would pay less a year!"

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  • Mangotastic, on 09/06/2008, -1/+91thou shalt get thy bus money ready BEFORE getting on, otherwise thou shalt get a kick up thy anus
    • sinkhead, on 09/07/2008, -0/+8I wish I could Digg you up so many times...
    • fxu1989, on 09/08/2008, -2/+2Anus sounds dirty. I think rectum is best suited in this occasion.
  • shto, on 09/06/2008, -5/+33Thou shalt take a seat next to a beautiful girl and start a conversation. more people need to follow this one
    • edwartica, on 09/07/2008, -1/+37Hmm. Maybe, maybe not. When I see this happen on the bus, often times the girl just wants to be left alone. I guess one amendment to this would be "thou shalt read body language and take cues well."
      • vuthy, on 09/07/2008, -2/+23When I'm on my way to work early in the morning, the last thing I want to deal with is trying to be nice (because I usually am a nice person) while some guy tries to make small talk. Seems that most men do not get pretty clear body language such as me keeping my arms crossed, not making eye contact, giving one-word answers, or hell, even me putting my earbuds in! One guy asked me "How are you?" and all I said was "Fine." He then waited a minute and said "That's pretty rude of you not to ask me back how I'm doing."

        Ugh! Get a clue!

        It's fine to try to talk to a girl if you have something to talk about (interesting t-shirt, book, magazine, etc.), but learn to take cues.
      • Whackly, on 09/07/2008, -2/+24vuthy,

        I don't disagree that men don't always read a woman's body language well but then again my experience that women wouldn't have to worry about men catching their signals if they'd just speak up and actually say what they mean or what they are thinking once in a while.
      • kenplaysviola, on 09/08/2008, -0/+10Check out Craigslist's "missing connection" posts. There are always girls (in San Francisco) on there posting subjects like, "To the cute guy with a bike riding BART..." or "The shy guy staring at me with a blue shirt reading Shakespeare on BART this evening..." (BART is our public subway)

        Some girls want you to talk to them, and some girls don't. Might as well take the shot and see what happens. If you annoy girls like vuthy, then thank them for their time and find your next victim. Never hurts to try.
      • ratchevs, on 09/08/2008, -3/+4He was right, it is pretty rude.
    • cl2yp71c, on 09/07/2008, -2/+11But...but......I have a pimple.
  • sneezy555, on 09/07/2008, -15/+4Not dugg, but not buried because of Mad Preggers.
  • overt, on 09/07/2008, -21/+13By the far the worst cracked article I have ever read.
    • DoctorFaust, on 09/07/2008, -1/+9It's more like a comic, actually...
    • chriso1281, on 09/07/2008, -2/+8Thou hast not used public transportation, apparently.
  • mastazed, on 09/07/2008, -2/+13They need these up on every train.
    ***** School kids talking way too loud in the morning and ***** old people for having nothing better to do than hold everyone else up.
    • onux16, on 09/07/2008, -4/+4please do not use "old people" and "*****" in the same sentence.
      • ref-d, on 09/07/2008, -0/+8But ***** school kids is fine with you?
      • onux16, on 09/09/2008, -0/+2Initially, no. Just gotta tell myself College school kids, and I won't think myself a pedophile =)
  • ModernChem, on 09/07/2008, -3/+31dugg for "mad preggers" shirt
    LOL
  • DeuceDiggalow, on 09/07/2008, -11/+6YAWN
  • V1ncent, on 09/07/2008, -17/+10Thou shalt not digg stupid Cracked.com articles...
    • Brad324, on 09/07/2008, -0/+7I'd normally defend cracked... but this one was stupid indeed.
  • JakeW, on 09/07/2008, -10/+5Mirror: http://img129.imageshack.us/img129/2831/dlandsubwa ...
  • Spankus, on 09/07/2008, -13/+2c'mon with the crappy lists.

    Cracked drives traffic, but fails at the funny, because their intent is unpure
  • edwartica, on 09/07/2008, -3/+29Thou shalt notice if a passenger is limping, and offer them your seat. As someone who has deformed feet, I cannot stress this enough. I can't count the ammount of times I've had to stand, despite being in excruciating pain while the Jr highers take up the priority seating.
    • bryceman111, on 09/07/2008, -1/+3I don't live in a city, so I haven't used public transportation, but couldn't you politely ask for their seat?
      • edwartica, on 09/07/2008, -1/+12I do, but sometimes its a matter of pulling teeth getting them to give up their seat even if I ask nicely. I get reactions like "well, why don't you have a cane or a wheelchair or something?"
      • merrychristmass, on 09/08/2008, -2/+2***** no!
    • kalleanka, on 09/07/2008, -1/+6You really should have the courage to tell the guy sitting "excuse me, my legs are hurting, do you think I could sit in disability chair", I'm sure 98% of all people would apologize for sitting there and give the seat to you.

      Most people just sit there and go away if they see an elderly or disabled person entering the bus. They don't know you are in pain.

      I know, ideally they would not take the seat at all, but most people (me too probably) would take it and be happy to give it up if someone else needs it.
      • edwartica, on 09/07/2008, -2/+3Did you read my comment? That's exactly what I do. I ask nicely and explain to them that I am in pain.
  • d3sapar3cid0, on 09/07/2008, -0/+12I ride CTA in Chicago almost every day and these are definitely rules that more people need to abide by. 5 needs to be amended to include people who think they are R&B singers or that hitting a bucket with sticks is some kind of skillful performance.
    • OvrDrvnNvce, on 09/07/2008, -0/+3Especially those drummers in the subway tunnels where it's impossible to escape.

      On a side note, I think there needs to be an additional rule about using your seat as a toilet. Definitely one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen.
      • edwartica, on 09/07/2008, -0/+5Yeah.....on public transportation I've seen the following:
        Mice
        Used Condoms
        Lice crawling on the seats
        Poop smeared on the walls
        A dildo rolling around on the floor (Finally resting at an elderly woman's feet, unknown to her).
        Blood smeared all over a seat (they made us all get off and did a total decontamination of the train)
        A bastard ripping off his shirt sleeves to clean his bloody wounds and THEN throwing the sleeves in the crevice (without taking them with him when he got off the train).
        People spitting HUGE loogies (sp?) on the flloor.
        And of course I've seen more than my fair share of people pissing on the seats.
      • esarhaddon, on 09/07/2008, -1/+2You forgot prescription methadone pill containers
      • avihappy, on 09/08/2008, -0/+5@edwartica
        Where do you live‽

        Edit: Oh, Portland.
      • junk2006, on 09/11/2008, -1/+2Avihappy I hate your ***** guts
    • cjacks9, on 09/08/2008, -0/+2Don't forget the violinist, trumpeteer, Michael Jackson impersonator and that one person with the guitar, harmonica, tambourine and whistling act.
      • d3sapar3cid0, on 09/09/2008, -0/+3I don't mind the violinist. He isn't good at all, but at least it isn't loud and obnoxious. I also like the little asian woman that plays whatever instrument that is.

        And I think the last person you are talking about is the gypsy? I have yet to witness but have heard much.

        My favorite person from the train (red line obviously) was the prostitute who started rubbing lotion on her hands, and ended up with no pants on (during rush our mind you) with her hands down her panties, lotioning her ass and vag...While smoking a cigarette. The faces of the suits were priceless. Dumbfounded 40yr old guys that wanted to puke, but couldn't get off the train.
      • cjacks9, on 09/10/2008, -0/+2Oh WOW. That is CLASSIC.
  • DeFex, on 09/07/2008, -2/+11Thou shalt have your money or pass ready BEFORE you get to where you pay.

    thou shalt NOT sit on the aisle seat when the other one is empty.
  • diggafrica, on 09/07/2008, -10/+2Moses was high on drugs...
  • cl2yp71c, on 09/07/2008, -0/+33Reminds me...there was this one time, I was taking the subway home, and this homeless person throws down his hat and says "there's the hat and now here's the show", then he starts singing "Imagine" while playing his guitar- quite proficiently in fact. I couldn't help but throw him a 5$ in his hat.- Keep in mind that this was the subway, and he was standing while playing his guitar and NOT holding on to anything.
    • CobaltBlue, on 09/07/2008, -0/+22I first read that as he threw up in his hat. It made the rest of the story much more intriguing.

  • thrillki1l, on 09/07/2008, -2/+30the 11th rule should be if you weigh more than 300 lbs you can't sit down because your ass takes up 2 seats.
    • BrewBeau, on 09/07/2008, -0/+17True enough, but if they don't sit then you can't get around them. I've gotten stuck on a train because a fatty and a stroller were in the doorway.
      • pilot3033, on 09/07/2008, -1/+8In NYC you shouldn't be afraid to just yell something like "hey move it!"
        People are dumb sometimes and trying to be polite about it isn't going to get you anywhere.
      • PathDaemon, on 09/07/2008, -1/+9No, see, 90% of the time, someone is blocking your way (or whatever) unknowingly. Asking nicely will end better for both of you.

        Being in NYC doesn't give you the right to be an *****.
      • fxu1989, on 09/08/2008, -0/+3A light tap on their backs to get their attention and an "excuse me" will do the job. If it doesn't work, try again.... by the third time start pushing your way through.

        I think people (read: pilot3033) need to learn some manners.
    • thrillki1l, on 09/07/2008, -0/+6ya you do have a point BrewBeau. maybe the bus should charge double like the airlines. maybe then they'll walk and will loose some weight.
    • craighamnett, on 09/07/2008, -7/+2The whole of America will be stood up... :(
    • one1plus1one, on 09/07/2008, -12/+2Well, thrillki1l, I weigh 220, so I guess I would be ok by your discriminatory rule.

      I'm over 6 feet tall, so my weight has considerable vertical distribution.

      Thus I was thinking it would be possible to have a really tall person at close to 300 pounds. If the weight is vertically distributed then he/she would have little impact in blocking the flow of people through the isles.

      Thus I think your discriminatory-rule should take distribution-of-mass into account.

      Also keep in mind that if the person has 300 pounds worth of body-weight, as a result of weight-lifting and working out (muscle mass) then you might have problems enforcing this rule upon them.

      In other words someone with 300+ pounds of muscle mass might just kick your low-weight-scrawny-ass off the bus to the curb.

      • Judacious, on 09/08/2008, -0/+7you're fat
      • kickelephant, on 09/08/2008, -0/+3Over 6 feet by how much? I'm 6'3" and weigh 215. I'm over weight. Just admit it. You're fat. Cheers.
  • ncapone, on 09/07/2008, -1/+11What about the people who have their knees and feet in the aisle and you have to walk to the back of the bus/subway because a ton of people are getting on and you have to walk over their flabby knees and sausage toes while carrying a heavy computer bag with books in it and people don't bother to move their feet out of the way so you don't stumble and break your face on the filthy floor?

    (gasp for air)
  • notzak, on 09/07/2008, -14/+10Thou shall not digg up articles in the Comedy section that aren't amusing.
  • audomatix, on 09/07/2008, -3/+2Sad but true.
  • edwartica, on 09/07/2008, -0/+2If more people followed number 4, then less people would violate number 5.
  • jbak, on 09/07/2008, -4/+3http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CDmEul9gnw
  • zunkus, on 09/07/2008, -13/+3I hate to be "that guy" but cracked.com seriously sucks my ass.
  • digghasnoethics, on 09/07/2008, -0/+9If thou ist a tall busty Swedish blonde thoust shall stand directly in front of me on a crowded train. particularly if thoust is likely to fall forward as the train jerks to a stop.
    • nanded, on 09/08/2008, -0/+2To the side is definitely the better option. From there, you have the angle to look at the boobs, and when the car turns, you have the possibility of accidental leaning/falling into you.
    • spoonchucks, on 09/08/2008, -0/+2Maybe I'm just hard to please, but if she just bumps into you, what's the point? At least a nip slip or an ass grab -- something to make it worth the time.
  • wrzhydr, on 09/07/2008, -0/+6I guess it would be funnier if I could relate to any of these. Public transport in Tampa is almost non-existent.
  • TheSabre, on 09/07/2008, -0/+7In the New Testament, these 10 Commandments were replaced by the one, most important commandment the FSM can give to us: Thou shalt be considerate of others. That would solve all public transportation woes.
  • chriso1281, on 09/07/2008, -0/+7I think every transit agency in the world should post this in every station and vehicle.
  • ssreject, on 09/07/2008, -1/+6As a train rider, I carry earplugs and scented air spray to guard against the loud and smelly. I also avoid sitting next to anyone on cell phones.

    Here are more commandments to add:

    Thou shalt not talk about your cheating boyfriend, bowel impactation or your 12 step program on your phone for the whole train to hear.

    Thou shalt not fart, clip your nails, or stick your nasty, callousy feet up on the seat next to someone.

    Thou shalt not argue loudly with police in riot gear who have to inspect the train you are on that just hit a car and killed a family. (Real Life Experience! Stupid Miami yuppie!)

    Thou shalt not play with the MP3's loaded onto your cell phone as if you are listening to a real radio.
    • feliks2, on 09/08/2008, -0/+7I think its funny listening to other peoples stupid phone conversations.
  • vuthy, on 09/07/2008, -1/+6What irks me is how those exiting often push and rush to get out so they can run to the escalators. They end up making a big traffic jam and blocking the stairs. The stairs are often faster but still tons of people wait in the crowd to go up the escalators. And many of those people SHOULD be taking the stairs!
  • imLissy, on 09/07/2008, -0/+10riding the bus at school was always an adventure. Especially when you're short and you can't really reach the bar to hold on. I spent 15 minutes swinging into people one time before someone offered me their seat.

    what really mad me mad though, when the bus was packed, there were about 30 people standing, and some kid is using up a perfectly good seat for his BACKPACK! I never wanted to hurt someone so badly.
  • borez, on 09/07/2008, -2/+7Though shalt not wear heavy perfume or eat smelly food.

    Though shalt not use your cellphone unless it is urgent.

    Though shalt learn the principles of basic hygiene.

    Though shalt not play hand held games with the sound turned on.

    etc. etc. etc.
    • jeskadubyah, on 09/08/2008, -0/+3Thou shalt not pop thy gum for the entire duration of the bus ride. And thou shalt not begin popping louder after dirty looks have been cast in thy direction.

      Bitch.
  • robev, on 09/07/2008, -2/+6I didn't know subways were the only form of public transportation...
  • DangQuesadilla, on 09/07/2008, -2/+2#9 FTW
  • NotReally91, on 09/07/2008, -10/+3Thou shalt not be a pissy Cracked.com writer who gets annoyed by everything.
  • anarcurt, on 09/07/2008, -1/+6Anyone who doesn't think this is funny obviously hasn't taken public transportation for an extended period of time or is a regular offender of these 'commandments'.
  • aserer511, on 09/07/2008, -1/+3Thou shalt not ride *ridiculously* drunk. I saw some Babson girls on the T that were making asses of themselves, and I just wanted to video tape it to them and show them later how big of a joke they made of themselves
  • Murrabbit, on 09/07/2008, -0/+8***** having rules of politeness for Mass Transit, I live in Phoenix Arizona, I'd ***** kill just to have any mass transit at all! They could flog me with flaming hot cactus the entire time and it'd still be an improvement over this car-mandatory urban sprawl.
    • AlexanderZero, on 09/07/2008, -0/+2Phoenix sucks come to Tucson! :D
      • useful, on 09/08/2008, -1/+2tucson sucks, Suntran is a slow piece of *****

        and driving 30-35mph on poorly maintained roads with people who slow down for green lights is aggravating
      • Auler, on 09/08/2008, -0/+2Yay!, Suntran!!! I used to have to ride it from Camino seco to Campbell daily....
  • jbak, on 09/07/2008, -0/+5http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1acbKvMA8uc
    • PoonGnarfler, on 09/08/2008, -0/+3Anyone else read youtube comments and lose hope for humanity? Some of them are just as crazy as that lady.
  • colonels1020, on 09/07/2008, -0/+12I dont drive, I use public transportation, I read until i reach my destination, sometimes a newspaper, sometimes a book, the amount of money i save, this *****'s off the hook.
  • kenplaysviola, on 09/08/2008, -0/+8What about the horrific body odor? ALWAYS someone on the bus smells like B.O..
  • Coling2k2, on 09/08/2008, -0/+4Dugg for the woman with "Mad Preggers" on her top
  • psychogasm, on 09/08/2008, -0/+4Please add: If you are the bearer of stinky food (fried fish, durian, etc. I'm in SF, so it comes with the territory), tie it up nice and tight so the rest of us don't have to suffer in the stench of your dinner. Yes, you lady with the pink bag, I'm talking to YOU!
  • RobbyInternets, on 09/08/2008, -4/+3uptight internet whingers.
  • buckrogers1965, on 09/08/2008, -0/+3Thou shall shower and change into clean clothes before ye ride public transit.
  • malixandra, on 09/08/2008, -1/+2I like #4 especially... especially if you are stupid
  • rjc1187, on 09/08/2008, -0/+3Thou shalt not do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvPBDfh4Tjg
  • peterinjapan, on 09/08/2008, -1/+5My sister met a guy on a bus age the age of 17, and got pregnant, causing her to drop out of school. Now her daughter is 23 and has three kids and an ex-husband, who weighs 375 lbs by the way. DO. NOT. WANT.
  • tightscrummy, on 09/08/2008, -4/+2Dugg for making the litterbug, seathog, and ghettoblaster guys black.
  • JackDN, on 09/08/2008, -1/+3You should see underdeveloped country transportation...where people carry fu****g chickens with the bus or even rabbits and other...and I`m dead serious.
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