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I'm Doing My Inconsequential Part For The Environment

theonion.com — Every day, without fail, I meticulously organize my recyclables into five distinct categories, thereby subtracting an eyedropper's worth of garbage from the countless tons of waste that ferment in our landfills. It only takes a few extra minutes, but just think of the impact it totally lacks.

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  • jakerudy7, on 07/02/2008, -5/+18funny- i actually feel this way
    • FirEnRain432, on 07/04/2008, -11/+0surely notso beacaue if you actually felt this way we might not be dealing with the catastrophies of the apostraphies! did you ever even consider this? i was there for the great chicago fire of 1927 and i can tell you that martin lawrence did not save the day(pure fact!). the new film about historical events that involve ancient asian countries fighting modern day greeks is actually pretty good but i dont think brad pitt can pull off a good chinese accent.
      • Azerael, on 07/04/2008, -3/+3Whatever you're smoking, I want it.
      • haydesigner, on 07/04/2008, -0/+4I don't know if that comment was "trying to be funny by posing as stupid" or just plain stupid. Since it wasn't funny, I'm going with just plain stupid.
  • sunshine8705, on 07/02/2008, -9/+4People can always do more to help improve the environment. I think that saying that you do everything you can allows the mindset that you've done enough and this allows for others to feel this way more easily or to give up. If I'm continuously thinking of new things I can do to help the environment, it allows me to constantly be improving myself as well as others around me. Maybe Keim could help by helping teach others how and why the things he does is important for the environment. I know there is always more I could do to improve my ways...I know that I do a lot, but not everything, and I in part help to influence stubborn people that tend to be around me to be more eco-friendly.
    • djepik, on 07/02/2008, -1/+8You know this was satire, right?
    • Murdats, on 07/04/2008, -3/+4you sound as annoying as people trying to convert me to their religion.
    • vault, on 07/04/2008, -5/+8Leave it up to the one hippy in every crowd...
    • cvxdes1, on 07/04/2008, -5/+2The world isn't ending. Get over it. Worry about something else.
      I can't wait to see the next wave of theories on how and why we think the world is going to end.
      • LeeSoong, on 07/04/2008, -1/+3Embrace nihilism.

        The end of the world is not only inescapable,
        you should encourage Earth's utter destruction as soon as possible.

        The surviving humans will be forced to seek a new planet to infest, and repeat an endless cycle of expansion and destruction...
      • marx2k, on 07/04/2008, -0/+0Sounds convenient enough..
      • cvxdes1, on 07/04/2008, -1/+1@LeeSoong - I don't encourage any destruction. All I said was that we're not going to destroy the world without some serious effort. That's like, nukes or something.. not your 18mpg Honda and your 1980's inefficient microwave.

        Stop trying to sell me your religion.
      • LeeSoong, on 07/04/2008, -0/+2If knowledge is free,
        why do Universities charge so much?
  • foxhaze, on 07/03/2008, -4/+2That is the truth of the matter.
  • shoeshinecs, on 07/03/2008, -7/+20Doing things to reduce CO2 suddenly has no impact, but doing things that increase CO2 does?

    It's high-time that someone parodied the sustainable lifestyle articles, but only because they come too often, not because they're wrong. Multiply this guy by 290 million or so and see the effect it has.

    Give me *****, The Onion, that's why I read you guys. But don't give me this *****.
    • Murdats, on 07/04/2008, -6/+8anything you do on a personal level has no impact, we need to replace coal power plants because they generate the largest amount of CO2 of anything, once that has happened go nuts with your now clean electricity, and hopefully your now clean electric car.
    • DNABeast, on 07/04/2008, -4/+2Multiplying by 290 million is an entirely different kettle of fish to doing your bit. You may as well say 'Let's suck all the extra CO2 into a giant Magical vacuum cleaner'. Humanity is not something that can be controlled. It acts like a giant hungry organism. Just be thankful that you have the luxury to choose to be eco-friendly.
    • snuggl, on 07/04/2008, -7/+2This might sound weird, but recycling actually increases the co2 pollution due to more shipping and processing of garbage. (it does lower a hole lot of other pollutants tho so still worth it)

      recycling is not about global warming at all, its about having a healthy ecosystem.
  • wynja, on 07/03/2008, -5/+24Damn, The Onion needs to watch their reporting. They've been getting too close to the truth to be extremely funny.

    On a different note, you'll be happy to know that many cities with recycling programs still dump a portion of the stuff you send them to recycle in the land fills.

    Also, we need to fill all the landfills we can as that will be the only source of oil left by the end of the century.
    • Intangible360, on 07/04/2008, -3/+4You do realize that it takes millions of years for oil to be created from decaying living material, right?
      • TheGuruStud, on 07/04/2008, -1/+2/s I'm sure
      • Lazydriver, on 07/04/2008, -1/+3Tis not oil, but methane.
      • wynja, on 07/07/2008, -0/+1You do realize that we can create pressures and temperatures that make nature look like it's swimming in the kiddie pool. Thus effectively turning garbage into oil in months rather than millions of years.

        Oh, and yes methane can be harvested immediately.
    • Litespeed, on 07/04/2008, -3/+2Some landfills bury recyclables purely for storage until they can process it.
      • bigbchew, on 07/04/2008, -2/+4I'm sure that's what they tell you.
  • DrSnugglebunny, on 07/04/2008, -2/+4I'm cynical about this kind of cynicism, although a less cynical kernel of me appreciated it.
  • Kumaku, on 07/04/2008, -4/+3Didn't "For Better or for Worse" already make this argument in a 3 panel comic?
  • haoafu, on 07/04/2008, -2/+0funny- i actually feel this way ,too
  • bdogm, on 07/04/2008, -0/+9I wonder if I get carbon credits for digging this.
  • fredBG, on 07/04/2008, -6/+3funniest of all 's the fact that you guys feel good recycling your trash and believe that your neighbors are inconsiderate not doing so, in a monkey see monkey do fashion, and you also believe that you do your part in saving one at any rate hopeless environment, oblivious to what from heavy industries to your 1400cc car do daily to
    this poor planet. of course, none of this (or anything else, btw) is actually new....
    • marx2k, on 07/04/2008, -1/+2I recycle my trash so less goes into the local landfill. I'm not sure what people see so as so hard in putting one type of trash in one bucket, the other type of trash in another.
    • hiikeeba, on 07/04/2008, -1/+2It may not go into the local landfill, but I'm sure part of it goes into someone else's landfill. Our town accepts glass for recycling, but can't get anyone to to take it, except a landfill 150 miles away.
  • fredBG, on 07/04/2008, -5/+3 ....and recycling your trash just makes others richer...which makes you suckers (nothing new here, too)
  • Denneval, on 07/04/2008, -0/+4RECYCLE BOTTLE TOPS.
  • Rotzooi, on 07/04/2008, -1/+6I know, serious reply to Onion article, not done, but I don't care; Unfortunately, in the US and many other countries recycling is still fairly useless. But if we keep at it, it will work, both for the environment and for the economy. My mother lives in Holland, where in many cities it is obligatory to recycle. Because they have so much well-separated trash, it's now a big business and has reduced the growth of landfills considerably. Almost 100% of wine bottles that are bought in Holland are getting recycled into new bottles. Their recycling programs work so well that they found out that paper-fibers disintegrate after getting recycled 10 times. They have tons of cheap but high-quality compost for sale in garden centers - made from people's kitchen and garden waste. I like that.


    • Metalhaid, on 07/08/2008, -0/+0100% of wine bottles in Holland are recycled?! Ew...no more Dutch wine for me. Well, tried to be funny and failed miserably.
  • stillrealvicz, on 07/04/2008, -1/+2Err- just how exactly is sorting your garbage into different heaps 'recycling'? You are still hoping that it will be dealt with properly, not just taken to china on some rustbucket and buried in landfill. Do you KNOW where it goes?
    • marx2k, on 07/04/2008, -1/+1"Err- just how exactly is sorting your garbage into different heaps 'recycling'?"

      Well, you see, the recycling heap goes to the recycling center while the trash heap goes to the landfill.

      "You are still hoping that it will be dealt with properly, not just taken to china on some rustbucket and buried in landfill. "

      I'm pretty sure cities follow regulations to ensure that recycling gets as much recycled as possible.
      • fredBG, on 07/04/2008, -0/+0"cities" following regulations on that matter or any other is the material news are made from...or is it?
      • marx2k, on 07/04/2008, -0/+0*shrug* Depends on where you're from I guess.
    • egportal2002, on 07/04/2008, -0/+3I used to live in a town where you were asked to sort recyclables into 5 categories. OK, no problem, I'll do my part to save the environment. Left for work late one day, noticed the workers on the recyclables truck dump all 5 piles into the same bin -- so much for saving the environment ;-).
    • fredBG, on 07/04/2008, -0/+0"cities" following regulations on that matter or any other is the material news are made from...or is it?
    • alwaysmrsghost, on 07/04/2008, -0/+0Stop being so suspicious.
  • LeeSoong, on 07/04/2008, -1/+6Dugg for the correct use
    of the word ' Sisyphean ' in a sentence.
  • domokunt, on 07/04/2008, -2/+3Captain planet... he's our hero... gonna take pollution down to.. a little bit less than it is now.. yeah
  • alldigit, on 07/04/2008, -3/+4Until corporations become responsible and make all containers biodegradable well have to watch our garbage pile up. I don't think we can do better.. Recycling will remain something middle class people do to make them feel good.
    • Gutterpunk, on 07/04/2008, -0/+4Well that or having people recycle the container. Imagine everyone throwing their Big Mac box in a special recycle box at McDo, separating the straw and the cups in different containers. Imagine the amount of trash that would get recycled...

      Actually, you don't have to imagine if you have traveled a little, seeing as America is of the last country not forcing fast food chain to have separate garbage bins. Americans are content with doing their part by watching a "Green Week" on TV and getting told by Scrub how recycling is important, but not actually doing it. But show them a plastic water bottle and damn! They just become crusader of Mother Earth!
      • Fordi, on 07/04/2008, -1/+1The only form of recycling that is energy, economy, or ecologically sensible is aluminum. Paper recycling is dirtier than paper manufacture; plastic recycling lets off more CO2 than plastic manufacture (though has positive energy gains when converted to diesel fuel via TCP).

        Biomatter should be composted - and it is, in landfills; most modern 'fills capture the output methane and run a small gas turbine plant off it.

        As for finances - since the government pays subsidies in the amount of around $8 billion to recycling, they're making a 'profit' - that is, they're running their businesses off of handouts.

        In the US, recycling *isn't* important. We have a lot more land than we could possibly fill, and while 30 years ago, we had a mere 2/3 of our total landfill space free, today we have ... 2/3 of our landfill space free. Seems to be a good business equilibrium.
      • fquednau, on 07/04/2008, -0/+1Whom do you cite? I have seen other statements on the merits of recycling paper.
  • bassjam5, on 07/04/2008, -0/+2If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem!
    Recycling reduces my garbage volume by about 1/3.
    Just think of it in terms of an aluminum can. How much energy is used to extract alum ore ,refine it, melt it, roll it in bars? As compared to shipping cans to a foundry, melting it, and rolling it into bars. All of that diesel full wasted by those big earth movers. Glass and Plastic is the same kind of thing. Most of my recycling is beer bottles, beer cans, and newspapers. Easy to recycle with curbside pickup.
  • Ransack, on 07/04/2008, -0/+1This guy will never make an impact...

    He forgot about changing out the old lightbulbs to new efficient flourescent ones!
  • Stevethegreat, on 07/04/2008, -1/+1The thing of the matter is that the more you pay -most probably- the more it burdens the environment, so by definition if you want to "help the environment" you have to buy the cheap *****, those (that are) mass-produced and as such the ones that have the smaller footprint. For example if you want to be eco-friendly, buying a small car is more eco-friendly than buying a Prius, buying a second hand car it is even more so since you don't make a whole industry to work to produce one additional car for you. Continuing by the same argument a motorbike is a better choice than a car, and as such the bicycle is the best..... but -oh- wait, bicycles still have to be produced somewhere which strains the environment, so you have to walk to your destination, then again -however- you have to eat so that fuel your body, but eating "biological vegs" is even worse to the environment as they cost more to be produced and as such they strain the environment more than genetically modified food, but even then you still did nothing to "save the environment".

    It seems to me the only way to save the environment "from you" is to kill yourself, at least that's the argument of environmentalists if you follow it to the end.
    • Sponky, on 07/05/2008, -0/+1*****.

      Buying a quality item that will last years is a hell of a lot better for the environment than cheap disposable alternatives. REDUCE, reuse, recycle.
      • Stevethegreat, on 07/05/2008, -0/+1You said it yourself, it is CHEAPER to buy a reusable item, because you pay less per minute of usage. The same is not true for Prius or Hummer, though. ANYTHING cheaper is better for the environment, to buy a cheap t-shirt which will be torn by two days use making you to buy a new one, is not buying a cheap T-shirt AT ALL, it is buying an expensive T-shirt (one that has low usability in relevance to its price). As such buing a new car is ALWAYS wastefull, it's better to reuse (aka second-hand cars) and if you live near your work, NOT to buy one at all.
    • Metalhaid, on 07/08/2008, -0/+0Well, if you kill yourself then you become a toxic wastedump of formaldehyde and all that other stuff they pump into you...then you become part of the human landfill called a cemetary in a metal box that's designed to resist corrosion...I guess you just need to stick around and do your own very small part in a very inconsequential manner. Plus, think of the superiority complex you'll derive when you see your neighbor put his plastic milk jug into the regular trash, not the recycling bin!
  • logosx1, on 07/04/2008, -2/+2Good satire throws light on a logical fallacy. Unfortunately for the Onion, environmentalism relies far more on emotion than logic.
  • DiggStarFleet, on 07/04/2008, -0/+0@Ransack... yes, he should have mentioned that.
  • wattersm, on 07/04/2008, -2/+2As Penn and Teller said, if recycling was worth the time they would PAY YOU for it.
  • darthzaphod, on 07/04/2008, -0/+1A few months ago my boyfriend and I started recycling everything we could--cardboard, paper, plastic, glass--and I can't believe the difference it's making just in our own home. We take the trash out far less frequently than we used to, and it just makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not wasting a lot of stuff I don't have to waste. It's something that shows me just how much we use of all this stuff--we go through a lot of plastic containers, a LOT of paper, a lot of cardboard...it's pretty eye-opening.

    However, one thing that frustrates me is that our local recycling center only takes plastics that have a number 1 or a number 2 on them (inside the three-arrow circular recycle symbol). I assume this is because anything else is a different type of plastic that my local center cannot process. Start keeping an eye on all the plastics you use, and you'll be surprised by how few of them are 1 or 2---many are 4, 5, or 7...plastics that we cannot recycle for some reason. That's frustrating, because they have a recycle symbol but our only option is to throw them away.

    But I still do love recycling, if only because it makes a positive impact on my home--even if the positive impact on the rest of the world is negligible.
  • dcshiderly, on 07/04/2008, -2/+3Didn't Penn & Teller kill the idea that recycling actually does anything useful, and is actually a drain on resources?
  • LiberalsSuckAss, on 07/04/2008, -2/+1I recycle toilet paper. Wipe, Fold to hide poo, Wipe again, Toss.

    How many carbon credits should I get for changing the way I wipe my ass?

    • Metalhaid, on 07/08/2008, -0/+0You should get hundreds! But then...you should have them all taken away from you for sharing that. TMI! TMI!
  • cjstone, on 07/04/2008, -1/+3Sure, the impact of one individual is negligible (which I guess is the basic message of the satire), but added together, the actions of many do make a difference. Look at the flip-side: if one person dumps a gallon of gas in his neighborhood stream, no big deal. But if everyone in the country did, I'm guessing it would have a pretty serious impact.

    In any case, I find it an interesting contrast between the feeling that one person's actions don't matter, and the vitriol toward Gore and his less-than frugal lifestyle. While it's true that some individuals' actions don't make a difference, there are folks like Gore whose actions do more than thousands of people toward making positive change (IMHO). His huge house might make him a hypocrite to some, but in the big picture, what he does by driving his social and political policies vastly outweighs any harm he does by flying around in jets to advocate them.

    Seems, to me that folks just want things easy and like to look for an excuse to not do anything. It's either "look at the idiot recycling, as if it makes a difference", or "Why believe in global warming, when Gore's got a big house!"
  • frosted, on 07/04/2008, -2/+0Recycling is actually a long running experiment about control.
    Will it help? Sure, it lines the pockets of many people who choose to promote "green".
    What about hydrogen power? It will make the oil companies money by forcing a global infrastructure changes that will require billions more in government subsidies. But hydrogen is clean isn't it? HELLS NO! Mass production of hydrogen pollutes more then oil!
    What about buying recycled products? Hmm... What do we buy that is 100% recycled.. aluminum cans? NO! Not even them, they can be made of the poptops or about 1/100th the actual material in the can. Now for the kicker.. it costs MORE to recycle the cans then to MAKE NEW ONES! How can this be? They have the cans donated right? WRONG! The city SELLS the cans that you donate to the city for a small profit to a private company who rips the poptop off and melts it down to make cans. The process requires more man hours and pollution (in the form of transportation for the individuals and pay and equipment and so on)!
    What about paper? Shredded newspaper can be used as insulation right? Not without treating them, after all, that would be a fire hazard and probably smell like fish and bugs and dog nose and bird crap and such. The chemical treatments do what.. pollute.. DUH!
    What about glass? Who used a glass container that is made of recycled materials? Anyone? EVER? That's just a flat scam. Glass gets ground up and buried, just like most of the recyclables you work so hard on. In a land fill.
    Want to help?? Try reusing old things and making new things from them that YOU use. Too much trouble?
    • cjstone, on 07/04/2008, -0/+1Got any sources for some of these claims? I'm with you on hydrogen, but recycled paper is used for a lot more than insulation, and I'm also curious about your claims regarding aluminum and glass.

      (And Penn an Teller is not an adequate source, IMHO)
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