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5 Upcoming Remakes of 80s Movies (That Must be Stopped)

cracked.com — .Nothing from the 80s belongs in today's world. The themes we cared about then are sad reminders of how naive we once were, and the fashion trends that interested us are even sadder reminders of how idiotic we were.

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  • divinediva, on 09/29/2008, -3/+65I couldn't think of a bigger insult than asking a director if you could remake their movie.
    • WriterSD, on 09/29/2008, -3/+4I guess imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...
    • Ismith988, on 09/29/2008, -0/+7Hey I've got this great idea for a movie you did like 20 years ago but I'll take it in a new direction by putting my own kid in as the main star, what do you think?
    • KaseyCarbone, on 09/29/2008, -0/+2Unfortunately it's not usually up to the director. If the studio owns the rights and is pretty sure they can make a buck off a crappy, unnecessary remake, then they green light it.

      The director of the original can at least enjoy the public's consensus that their movie was far better.

      *cough* WillyWonkaBodySnatchersPlanetOfTheApesEtcEtc *cough*
      • Goblin, on 09/29/2008, -3/+5Technically, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is not a remake, it's a second film version of a book and is a lot closer to the feel of said book than the 70s version.

        They're both good, but Burton did a better job with the original source material.
    • h0stile17, on 09/29/2008, -6/+1Making a smear movie of a sitting President is right up there. *cough* Oliver Stone *cough*
    • reaper527, on 09/29/2008, -0/+3asking to remake a movie isn't an insult, however the crap that they turn out is. i can't think of one remake from the past 10 years that was better than mediocre.
  • WriterSD, on 09/29/2008, -1/+49Remaking the Karate Kid? Wasn't that already done to death with all the sequels?
    • robdiggity, on 09/29/2008, -0/+17What was that cheesy movie just this past summer? With the two fruity MMA 29 year old high school kids and that Dijon mustard guy playing the role formerly played by Arnold from Happy Days?

      *edit*

      Never Back Down
      • Cassanova, on 09/30/2008, -0/+1As a huge MMA fan that movie pissed me off so much. It was a total remake of the karate kid set in modern times but still using the same 80s plot. New kid in town meets the bully and falls in love with the bullys gf so he trains and in a matter of months becomes an expert and beats up the bully. So lame...but it did make me want to go workout afterwards..
    • DrDragun, on 09/29/2008, -0/+5"Knowing its audience to a degree that borders on cynical, The Karate Kid functioned as propaganda for nerds who wanted to believe they could basically learn to use the Force if they just met the right Asian custodian."

      The formula probably still holds true :)
    • FattyCorpuscle, on 09/29/2008, -0/+2History repeats itself. Try and you'll succeed!
  • BloodWenis, on 09/29/2008, -1/+16If they include the single greatest 80s montage song 'You're the Best Around' from the 1st Karate Kid, (Followed closely by the #2 Rocky IV's 'Hearts on Fire') I'd see the new one.

    Top Gun I don't think they would remake because it I think it's mathematically impossible to recreate all the awkward, *****-erotic moments from the first one. (See article 'Top Gun Is Gay: http://www.ieatpaint.com/topgun/')
  • ycohain, on 09/29/2008, -7/+33Will Smith and his son are sooooo annoying.
  • Sublex, on 09/29/2008, -0/+22Oh god. A remake of the Karate Kid is like adding salt to injury after the damn sequels.
  • StacyWebb, on 09/29/2008, -0/+65not Weird Science....I guess Hollywood has officially ran out of ideas....Prepare for the Citizen Kane remake.....Rosebud will be his iPhone.

    • MisterRik, on 09/29/2008, -1/+3Coffee out of my nose - kudos to you sir!
    • bemenaker, on 09/29/2008, -0/+2Hasn't Citizen Kane been redone 2 or 3 times already?
  • duggtodeath, on 09/29/2008, -0/+17Now with more internet references!
  • AmyVernon, on 09/29/2008, -0/+19Has Hollywood officially run out of ideas? None of these movies should be remade. They're "classics" in a 1980s sort of way, but mainly because they're such incredibly 80s movies. ::shudder::
  • Hetman, on 09/29/2008, -5/+28Actually Red Dawn would work. They would just have to rename it operation Iraq freedom, and have Americans parachuting into Iraq.
  • macweirdo42, on 09/29/2008, -0/+41I only saw Red Dawn recently, and I've gotta admit - out of the context of the 80s, that movie makes absolutely no goddamn sense.
    • josephbloseph, on 09/29/2008, -0/+26Or does it make so much sense that it blows your mind?
    • dafragsta, on 09/29/2008, -0/+10You missed out then. Watching Red Dawn was the pep rally for many a neighborhood wargame scenario when I was around 8 years old. Man, did I have a mean arsenal with metric *****-tons of mid length Construx beams that I'd dispense like spent shells. I had a toy rifle that actually had bolt action and those things fit perfect. Man, I miss the 80s.
      • KaseyCarbone, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1Would you all die in glorious martyrdom like pretty much the whole cast of the film did?
      • dafragsta, on 09/29/2008, -0/+4No, but years later I DID get to hang out with the guy who played the Russian who harasses Jennifer Gray as she goes into the convenience store to get toothbrushes. He also got to play the younger version of David Caradine's character on Kung Fu. He was pretty cool.
    • RemarkableRyan, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1Michael Cera looks kinda like Niko Bellic...
  • scabbers, on 09/29/2008, -2/+7A remake of rambo 3 would be hilarious.
    • KaseyCarbone, on 09/29/2008, -0/+3Hey, it couldn't be any worse. Make it a romantic comedy.
    • bemenaker, on 09/29/2008, -2/+1Isn't Sly doing Rambo 4? For some stupid reason
  • koonchu, on 09/29/2008, -10/+4This article hurt my eyes. Terrible formatting and organizing.
  • ChrisXPPro, on 09/29/2008, -16/+1a Top Gun Remake With Newer Jets (F/A-18, F-15, F-22), And a Very Good Actor I Think They Could Pull it Off.
    • KaseyCarbone, on 09/29/2008, -0/+3Nah, they should set it during World War I. They could do a ragtime version of Danger Zone and fly around in a bunch of crappy biplanes that go down in flames without actually being shot at.
      • MrSkills, on 09/29/2008, -1/+1Actually a WW2 Top Gun would be really cool...

        I was gutted when Spielberg shifted War Of The Worlds to the modern day. It would have been so cool to see 19th century battleships being fighting the aliens :-)
  • WiretapStudios, on 09/29/2008, -1/+34WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINES!
    • Tomchei, on 09/29/2008, -6/+1I saw that movie in the theatre with a bunch of friends when it came out and a couple of us hated it.
      The 'sheeple' friends thought it was the best film at the time.

      Mind you that US vs Russia tensions were everywhere and pretty high at the time.
      Movie like Firefox were big too but Red Dawn just sucked.

      I'd probably like it now for comic relief like Roadhouse.
      • frepnog, on 09/29/2008, -1/+8"I saw that movie in the theatre with a bunch of friends when it came out and a couple of us hated it."

        Liar, it was mathematically unpossible in the 80's to hate Red Dawn if you were American and male. Either turn in your penis and leave the area or fess up to how much you loved Red Dawn.
      • Tomchei, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1The movie is a hokey piece of crap. They lost me when they pissed in the radiator.
      • frepnog, on 09/29/2008, -0/+0why exactly? they needed liquid and that was all they had, i imagine it would work at least for a bit.
      • reaper527, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1i saw it for the first time in '06, and thought it was actually pretty good. although i watched it with a few friends while we pointed out all the ridiculousness of the movie.

        had i taken the movie seriously, i might not have liked it as much
  • paulieslim, on 09/29/2008, -0/+10dugg for Real Genius not being on the list
  • klitzbtc, on 09/29/2008, -2/+9Will Smith I don't care how many times you've saved the Earth, please DIAF.
    • twertyto, on 09/29/2008, -1/+6DIAF...that's a new one for me.
      • phoenixshard, on 09/29/2008, -2/+2Die In A Fire.
      • Goblin, on 09/29/2008, -1/+1Why on earth was the first thing that popped into my head "Die in a Field"? How much no sense does that make?
      • twertyto, on 09/29/2008, -1/+2@phoenixshard

        Thanks but I know how to use Google.
      • phoenixshard, on 09/29/2008, -1/+6Good to know, but you should have used Google before saying anything then and making it look like you didn't konw what it meant.
  • manstein01, on 09/29/2008, -1/+5Another reason: Out of the context of the eighties, most of those movies absolutely sucked (Weird Science remains a classic). Seriously, stick the DVD in of any of those today, and tell me if you can survive thirty minutes without hitting the stop button.
    • josephbloseph, on 09/29/2008, -2/+3Red Dawn is just as bad-ass today, and the Karate Kid is even more so.
  • Axealot, on 09/29/2008, -4/+11I'd watch any film with Megan Fox in it
    • yacks, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1I'm holding out for her sex tape.. ;)
    • FlyingSpaghetti, on 09/30/2008, -1/+1I'd watch any film with a real fox in it.
  • protogenxl, on 09/29/2008, -0/+9"I'm a Wolverine, and my hate keeps me warm..."

    Also

    Topgun according to Tarantino
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JW9YutYlUHo
  • lucasking, on 09/29/2008, -5/+1Okay, the Karate Kid needs to be done. We've already had "The Next Karate Kid". What comes after that? The Post-Next Karate Kid?

    BUT Weird Science could definitely be sweet. I'm thinking Michael Cera as the main nerdy kid and Liz Hurley as the buxom and British franken-hottie-stein. Anyone? Anyone?
  • GramarNazi, on 09/29/2008, -6/+3Why should they be stopped? You know, if you don't want to see it, you can *gasp* not see it. More choices = better
    • MisterRik, on 09/29/2008, -0/+9These choice mean that other, possibly (and we have to face facts here, how could they not be) more interesting, films won't get finance.
      • representDLV, on 09/29/2008, -3/+0Not true. Nice try though.
      • reaper527, on 09/29/2008, -0/+4how do you figure DLV? if a studio finances x movies per year, and this is one of them, that means the number of original movies possible turns into x-1
      • GramarNazi, on 10/01/2008, -0/+1Except studios *don't* finance "x movies per year."
      • MisterRik, on 10/02/2008, -0/+1And they of course have an unlimited budget?
  • XxtraLarGe, on 09/29/2008, -0/+15Re: Red Dawn, the invasion was explained by Powers Boothe (played the fighter pilot): Cubans & Russians flew in via fake commercial flights from Mexico (and possibly Canada?) at first.
  • mcballz, on 09/29/2008, -1/+10I'm surprised that Robocop didn't make this list...
    • jackelopeus, on 09/29/2008, -0/+2Detroit could certainly use any help it could get, so bring it on.
    • GrumpyFan, on 09/29/2008, -0/+3According to one source, Robocop actually is being remade. http://digg.com/movies/RoboCop_Remake_Confirmed However, that movie differed in all of these in that it was more future sci-fi although it still had some 80s overtones, like the over-use of swearing.
      • bemenaker, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1Are they going to censor the violence again?
  • kgreen69er, on 09/29/2008, -0/+22If you know how to properly use Vista, you can actually create a hot chick with it.
    • TheSabre, on 09/29/2008, -0/+9I saw that feature. Unfortunately, it made the hot chick all shiny and transparent. And she had a lot of drop shadows...
      • Lythium, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1Is that.... is that a lens flare?? O.o
  • krekc, on 09/29/2008, -2/+18***** bastards! DO NOT TOUCH GOONIES!!
  • Coreyc150, on 09/29/2008, -1/+12"Replace Val Kilmer with a video of ALF getting sexually assaulted by a Ghostbuster and you'll have officially ruined everything that made growing up in the 80s wonderful."

    Awesome... I love cracked.com
    • spidoman, on 09/29/2008, -0/+8I prefered:

      "Problems with Russia? No big deal, just pour some America on that sumbitch and watch the freedom come soaring in."

      Great writing as always.
  • gametavern, on 09/29/2008, -1/+4They're not really remaking this stuff are they?
  • tavisjohn, on 09/29/2008, -6/+1OK those are all fake movie remakes...


    However they are going to remake Rockey Horror Picture Show... And it will SUCK!!! You can't do THAT movie again on purpous had have it be as good as the original.
    • dlozo, on 09/29/2008, -1/+6that movie sucked too, Sorry I am not in to trannys or freaks screaming crap in a theatre!
    • Rudegar, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1the clown peniwise from IT was cool in the org movie
    • bemenaker, on 09/29/2008, -0/+4WTF?! How can you remake Rocky? The cheesy campiness was a one time deal and the only reason it's a cult classic. It's impossible to recapture that.
  • TomOwens, on 09/29/2008, -0/+3This can't be real. Hollywood makes me sick.
  • unreg, on 09/29/2008, -0/+4I think they should go with a combo effort. Mix the Karate Kid in with Top Gun, add a little Weird Science to it.

    Would solve a lot of the problems.
  • SirFoxx, on 09/29/2008, -0/+2Another remake I'm not looking forward to is: Magnum PI

    They are replacing Tom Selleck with Matthew McConaughey. Keep Selleck and it might not be a bad movie.
    • phoenixshard, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1Tom Selleck is a little too old to be a hearthrob now.
  • jerrolds, on 09/29/2008, -2/+14We miss you, hot Katie Holmes :(
    • packerdawl, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1She talks from the side of her mouth like Angelica from Rugrats.. no thanks.
  • falstaff, on 09/29/2008, -1/+4"But how about the fact that they're remaking a movie with a twist ending at all? How do you do that?"
    It worked for Planet of the Apes.
    ...
    Haha, I crack myself up!
  • trer, on 09/29/2008, -4/+5Hollywood is to movies like the Wii is to video games. Pure shovelware.
  • burstaneurysm, on 09/29/2008, -0/+19"Have we done space yet? Let's do space. Take the original script, replace 'teens' with 'astronauts,' 'machete' with 'liquid nitrogen' and 'plot' with 'space.' I'm taking lunch, I want this movie made by 5pm tomorrow."

    That was the best description of Jason X I have ever read.
  • bigteebo, on 09/29/2008, -1/+7So how many of these movies have to have Shia LeBouf in it? He was in Transformers & Indiana Jones 4, so I just assume he's mandatory to be in any 80s remake. He's like that Zupko guy, being the teenage bully in every 80s film.
    • bemenaker, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1You just made me think of an 80's movie that could actually be remade and not suck:
      My Bodyguard
    • phoenixshard, on 09/29/2008, -2/+4I don't think Transformers and Indiana Jones 4 qualify as remakes. There was no Transformers movie beyond the animated one in the 80's and Indiana Jones is a sequel, not a remake.
  • gianttoolbox11, on 09/29/2008, -0/+18Dugg for this phrase:
    "Problems with Russia? No big deal, just pour some America on that sumbitch and watch the freedom come soaring in."
  • LogicBomB, on 09/29/2008, -2/+2I don't care what you say about any new Freddie or Jason movies - they are guilty pleasures, just like zombie movies.

    I can never, ever get enough slasher flicks (Horror-slashers mind you, not pop-slasher flicks that play it safe for Halloween time and a quick buck) and zombie movies. I will seriously see every new zombie/slasher flick that comes out until they stop killing random people in hilarious yet grusome ways.

    Besides, they are fairly realistic, supernatural aside - all the dumb people die and the one person you were rooting for (because they weren't complete ***** morons) tends to save the day.
    • ElectroStep, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1It's usually the virgin that survives, the people *****? NO CHANCE. The black guy should probably watch out a bit to.
  • dalnet22, on 09/29/2008, -0/+6Is there any way the new Friday the 13th can't suck?
  • serif69, on 09/29/2008, -1/+1She's lost that loving feeling.
    • HumbleDialog, on 09/29/2008, -0/+5I think it's probably unhealthy to give your penis a female persona.
  • Maxwell1234, on 09/29/2008, -0/+2Friday the 13th and Red Dawn are both being remade. The rest I've not heard of but at the rate Hollywood is pumping out garbage remakes it wouldn't shock me.

    But Willa Ford will be in Friday the 13th, so I'll be there....
  • JinnRikki, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1I can't think of one 80's movie that should be remade....I can't think of one 80's movie that should have been made in the first place.
    • MrSkills, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1There are plenty of great 80s movies, but none that needs to be remade. It wasn't that long ago. It's not as if we want to see them in colour or something.
    • SanTe, on 09/29/2008, -0/+2"Raging Bull" in 1980. It was all downhill from there, although we did get a brief awesomeness spike in '85 with "Brazil." And I'll give both "Raider of the Lost Ark" and "The Empire Strikes Back" a free pass (and "Real Genius," which rules).
  • scot333, on 09/29/2008, -0/+2wasn't ghostbusters going to be remade?
  • GiJoeBob, on 09/29/2008, -0/+5dugg for hot picture of Katie Holmes
  • Rudegar, on 09/29/2008, -0/+6typically they turn down my script "Zombie vampire lesbian vixens in heat" just to remake old movies! :S
  • yourpaljasper, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1I'm glad they didn't mention the Robocop 'remake' cause it sounds pretty ***** awesome.
  • tontobalboa, on 09/29/2008, -5/+2Jeez... Cracked.com puts out basically the same damn article everyday. "Hey Look! It's the top 10 ways we're so cool by making the most obvious pop culture jokes!"
  • MacintoshMan, on 09/29/2008, -4/+2After that article im 110% convinced cracked is writen by 14 yearolds
  • jds17j, on 09/29/2008, -0/+3Dugg for this paragraph:

    "Of course, what the news really meant was that, like the meat at McDonald's, the karate at the McDojos was a ***** imitation slowly poisoning an entire generation. And not in the badass way that bad dojos poisoned people in The Karate Kid - making you roam the night with your motorcycle gang kicking nerds off cliffs. McDojos fed them a much lamer poison: the mistaken belief that yelling "yah" when you slapped at someone gave you the ability to defend yourself."
  • ancalagon73, on 09/29/2008, -1/+1Why don't they remake a movie that could actually benefit from a remake? Like The Neverending Story? Great movie, but the special effects weren't even that special back then.
    • GreatSunJester, on 09/29/2008, -1/+1M. Night Shymalan presents, "The Neverending Story: The hidden truth" Now with more twists than a Luck Dragon's spine. Super secret surprise ending....
      Oh god.... I think I just scared myself....Not with the movie, but with the potential of Shymalan touching it.....
    • ElectroStep, on 09/29/2008, -0/+1They better not touch that movie! That was my all time favorite when I was a kid, every week on an old VHS from a boot sale...

      :)
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