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Superheroes Who Can't Have Sex

io9.com — Two of this summer's biggest movies star superheroes who can't get laid - or terrible things will happen. (We won't reveal which movies here, since it's a minor spoiler.) But in any case, these heroes aren't alone - a vow of chastity has been part of the "great responsibility" that has come with superheroes' great power for years now... [SPOILERS]

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  • kuz2r, on 06/12/2008, -2/+79I am not a super hero and I cannot get laid. I feel better that others are also challenged.
    • sterntastic223, on 06/12/2008, -1/+11Nah, you're Super Digger Guy, whose ability to sit in front of a monitor for 10 straight hours without blinking hinders his ability to talk to chicks.
      • aptanalogy, on 06/12/2008, -0/+5Hey, it's that Digger Guy! Hey Digger Guy, we don't take kindly to social ignorance 'round these parts!
        • warplayer, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2Well we don't take kindly to folks who don't take kindly round these parts.
      • blorguehad, on 06/12/2008, -0/+9monitor radiation has caused his male genitalia to suffer.
      • idavidtang, on 06/12/2008, -0/+2* Insert Super Digger Guy ASCII art here *
        • wellyuk, on 06/12/2008, -1/+1*cheer and clap wildly at the detailed artwork*
        • burjzyntski, on 06/13/2008, -2/+0PEBKACMAN:

          *fap fap fap*
          O->-'-<
        • rpgmaker, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1*Confirming why diggers don't get laid*
    • Haoie, on 06/13/2008, -0/+5It's good to see at least some superheroes share the problems that ordinary men and women face.

      Oh who am I kidding, just men.
    • 4d669, on 06/13/2008, -3/+1Become an hero and it will solve everything.
    • cathl, on 06/13/2008, -3/+1Dear females of Digg,

      Step up your game!

      Sincerely, cathl
    • ronjohnson, on 06/13/2008, -2/+1I like the web site, just didn't see any gender neutral comics.
  • curiosity0cat, on 06/12/2008, -11/+14What about Buffy's Angel, or X-Men's Rouge?
    • charliejane, on 06/12/2008, -2/+33It mentions Rogue... as for Angel... is he really a superhero?
    • staffell, on 06/12/2008, -5/+15who's Rouge?
      • SniperX, on 06/12/2008, -1/+8he's the superhero who's secret base is the moulin rouge.
      • bloodomen13, on 06/12/2008, -4/+9That's the thuperhero in pink thpandex who thneaks up on you and uses his patented thuper brush and compact to give your cheeks just that right bit of color before skipping off into the woods while singing Liza Minelli songs

        ugh... mah gawd, I thought EVERYONE knew that!!!!
        • pacokorn77, on 06/13/2008, -0/+6That's almost the best use of the gay lisp in text I've ever seen.
        • burjzyntski, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2dugg for using the word almost.
    • triferlinks, on 06/12/2008, -0/+11Angel can have sex, he just cannot be in true state of happiness, or he'll lose the soul. For further proof, watch the last episode of Angel, he had sex with the werewolf lady.
      • an0nym0us, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2That's hot.
      • Armando57, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2He also had sex with Darla and conceived a son, Connor.
      • warplayer, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1I thought that was all that show was about...Angel having sex with random mythical creatures...like a tv romance novel or something.
    • j3ff86, on 06/12/2008, -0/+3Did you even read the article?
    • JettaMan, on 06/13/2008, -1/+1"the cool Susan Sontag hair" - Eww. Susan Sontag was NOT cool.
    • geisha71984, on 07/30/2008, -0/+0Are you one of those douches on Warcraft that call Rogues, Rouges?
  • chadwalters23, on 06/12/2008, -5/+4Probably shouldn't have sex with Beast Boy, either. He's such a spaz that he might turn into a T-rex or something after climax.
    • Encablossa, on 06/13/2008, -0/+3Ugh, don't quote teen titans.Super childish, not cool.
    • Ramenboy005, on 06/13/2008, -0/+0hey the original teen titans are good but not the stupid cartoon network no talent version
    • DiddyWolf, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1Some people are into bestiality.
  • ichbeineinrcg, on 06/12/2008, -2/+3Speaking of Teen Titans, can Cyborg still do the deed? Or the Frankenstein Monster that they had a few months back?
    • bloodomen13, on 06/12/2008, -1/+7dude, he runs on batteries. chicks dig things that run on batteries!!!!
  • wynja, on 06/12/2008, -4/+53I've always wondered..... if Superman blows his nut inside a woman...... then wouldn't that blow the top of her head off??
    • faizal5k, on 06/12/2008, -1/+40Superman is lucky. If he does blow his nuts inside some chick, he can quickly fly around the world so fast making the Earth spin the other way around, thus making it go back in time. So he's able to blow his load inside that same chick as many times as he wants.
      • SidiousX3, on 06/12/2008, -9/+1good job copying crank yankers...
      • cherwilco, on 06/12/2008, -1/+7I thought the article put way too much thought into this, but I take that back....you win
      • Elranzer, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1That would get boring...
    • cephelo, on 06/12/2008, -1/+4Even with her head popped off like a cork she'd still call him faster than a speeding bullet.

      I wonder if DC will ever permit Superman's image to be used in premature ejaculation drug commercials.
    • loveandrockets, on 06/12/2008, -2/+5And if he had an orgasmic spasm, he would probably tear her in half. His super-sperm would blow out the top of her head, tear a hole in the roof, and end up circling the globe in orbit.

      This is from "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" by Niven. http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html
    • blorguehad, on 06/12/2008, -7/+4actually no, you're thinking of chuck norris :O
    • blorc, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2I was under the impression that people or things touching him were to some degree affected by his power, hence why his suit doesn't get damaged when bullets hit him. The woman would be fine, until the fetus started flying around while still inside her.
      • grimward, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2His fetus would obviously give the impregnated woman super powers during pregnancy, and if we go by 1950-60's standards, she would also get "super cravings" as apparently everything superman does in that era is "super" in some way :P (anyone remember the super-ventriloquism series? ahaha)
    • kyyled, on 06/13/2008, -0/+3Superman - doomed to a life of pulling out.
    • warplayer, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1Good question, see:

      http://www.comics2film.com/b/index.php?blog=11&p=7 ...
  • mtg1287, on 06/12/2008, -0/+20It should make us all sad that we are trying to find fictional characters that are also "sexually challenged"
    • SniperX, on 06/12/2008, -0/+9It's somewhat sad you used the word "also" =/
  • myass666mlong, on 06/12/2008, -3/+1no , they cant :(
  • pinkdigg, on 06/12/2008, -5/+3Having sex with the thing would be very painful if you have no lube.
    • UndeadZmobie, on 06/13/2008, -0/+8Yes, but one can be sure that he'll stay hard.
  • boardthis, on 06/12/2008, -2/+6batman and robin?
  • Tarree, on 06/12/2008, -4/+0I came here expecting to find a bunch of comments about how puritanical American movies are, instead, you all gave me a good laugh.
    Thanks

    PS Did you notice the ad on this page is for Batman? lol
  • muddermike, on 06/12/2008, -7/+1this makes sexually active panda very sad !!
  • x0rcist, on 06/12/2008, -0/+1They don't call him The Hulk for nothing.
  • 4d669, on 06/12/2008, -0/+22Solid Snake has a pornstar's name and doesn't even have a penis. DAMN THE PATRITOS.
  • Pillage, on 06/12/2008, -0/+9Why can't you have sex with Rogue? Just wear a condom.
    • Tyrghast, on 06/12/2008, -5/+2If you weren't a virgin youd know that 100% of the time the private areas aren't the only parts touching. You can't even make out with the chick, lest she steal your soul.
      • Encablossa, on 06/13/2008, -0/+5Saran body wrap?
      • Pillage, on 06/13/2008, -0/+5You've obviously never had sex in public.
      • ptsuk, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2Tyrghast you must have a small wiener or be extremely boring in bed.
      • charlietuna, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1Condom + Uber special ***** sheets with neutronium impregnated fibers and that perfectly placed hole. http://holeinthesheet.org/
      • jamesdew, on 06/13/2008, -0/+0well granted it would be pretty crappy but you COULD have sex with her using a condom
      • grimward, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1Fetish porn style, rubber everywhere!
    • Infekted, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1All she need is Magneto.
      don't know if anybody knows it but they had a kid together.
    • Armando57, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1Once upon a time, every villain had collars that neutralized mutant powers, what happened to those? Why can't she just pick up a pair from the black market and make it an accessory when she wants to get lucky?
  • PhillyMJS, on 06/12/2008, -1/+51Obligatory Mallrats quote:

    T.S. Quint: But they're engaged.
    Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.
    T.S. Quint: Why not? It's bound to come up.
    Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?
    T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?
    Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.
    • TheJokerV, on 06/13/2008, -0/+17In Superman Returns, when Lex asked Lois who her son's father was, all I could do was think about that exact conversation and reason that it can't possibly be superman's kid.
      • Wolfboy, on 06/13/2008, -1/+4If you watch "Superman II," you will learn why it is his kid. "Superman Returns" was written as a sequel to "Superman" and "Superman II"
    • mayhemchaos, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2Like Wolfboy said: In Superman II - He goes into the chamber which makes him mortal/human. They spend the night together obviously becomes pregnant. Shortly after that storyline [according to Superman Returns] Superman leaves for 5yrs (i think) comes back and Lois has the kid, which we find out is Superman's. What I don't understand is if he became mortal/human - how did the kid come out with powers. Am I wrong about the human aspect of it?
  • TheZorch, on 06/12/2008, -0/+3How about the Flash. He'd either drill a hole straight through a woman or light her on fire from the friction alone.
    • ptsuk, on 06/13/2008, -1/+1for the flash you'd just set up one of those high pressure/powered lube machines they use when cutting out designs in chucks of aluminum. Just instead of industrial lube for metal it'd be like industrial lube from astro-glide!
    • deusflac, on 06/13/2008, -0/+0the flash can have sex fine, hell he has 2 kids
  • cpwhitten, on 06/12/2008, -2/+0the superhero girlfriends must have a super vibrator at home!!
  • wracker92, on 06/12/2008, -7/+2Another piece of Gawker spam. Buried.
  • f3n1x, on 06/12/2008, -0/+2they forgot jackie estacado aka the darkness.

    sex kills him. literally.
  • megamod, on 06/12/2008, -2/+3if SUPERMAN orgasmed into lois lane wouldn't it also come out of him "as fast as a speeding bullet" up the uterus and BANG!?

    maybe he should be added on the list
    • megamod, on 06/13/2008, -2/+1I guess what I meant to say was, why would it blow up her felopian tubes and not her uterus since that would be in the most direct path of his sperm?
    • charliejane, on 06/13/2008, -0/+3Superman is on the list!
  • Xoti, on 06/12/2008, -0/+18of course they can't have sex,have you seen their outfits?

    Their balls must be squished.
  • BananaGrabber, on 06/12/2008, -0/+2For anyone who follows" Avengers: The Initiative", we can't forget about Butterball. =(
    • cesclaveria, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1what happened there, he chicken out or he really couldn't 'feel' anything?
  • Evie1851, on 06/12/2008, -0/+1Everyone forgets Kagero :(
    Okay so she's not a super hero but she's damn cool! She can't have teh smex because shes full of poison. Poor Jubei :(
    • burjzyntski, on 06/13/2008, -1/+1wow, you said 'teh smex'.

      ...virgin!
      • Evie1851, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1ZOMGNOWAI! then my daughter DID fall from the sky...... :o!


        haha! plus digg for makin me laugh!

  • sw1val, on 06/12/2008, -0/+3Just think of all the superheros who can have amazing sex because of their powers. Mr. Fantastic for starters.
  • mangosinslo, on 06/12/2008, -0/+2All we can do is to make up for them :)
  • Acglaphotis, on 06/12/2008, -1/+13That's why batman rocks.
    • prophetpimp, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1doing it with robin is not cool, not that anything is wrong with that.
  • Tyrghast, on 06/13/2008, -1/+2If that scene really is in Hancock ill be very disappointed. I was hoping to see it with my family, and that's just going to be awkward...
  • misamiyo, on 06/13/2008, -1/+1it is the new challenge for super heroes, find a way to escape from sex frustration, haha
  • Farmer77, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2Rogue can have sex. The guy that's doing her just got to wear a rubber while keeping his underwear on.
    • RodgerE1, on 06/13/2008, -1/+2If the condom breaks, he's screwed. No pun intended.
    • MisterChirish, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1If she absorbs his thoughts while they're boning, won't she be pissed to find out he's fantasizing about doing Storm?
  • danisaacs, on 06/13/2008, -1/+0The Boys is a wonderfully perverse comic. The Preacher is excellent as well. I highly recommend picking up a trade, or BT'ing them. Well worth the read.
  • Ubertastic, on 06/13/2008, -0/+3Just imagine the Human Torch accidentally going up in flames at the wrong moment.
    • goddessophia, on 06/13/2008, -0/+4I guess Paris Hilton would appropriately say, "That's hot!" And then we would all be about to but the boot leg copy of it. ha!
  • JYoungest1, on 06/13/2008, -1/+0I would add captain planet to this list, and not because he is physically unable.

    Its because hes most likely a Digger.
  • IronPwnage, on 06/13/2008, -1/+8You were redirected to our front page because the URL you requested is unavailable. Please try again later.
  • RationalXubrnce, on 06/13/2008, -0/+4 Reminds me of Nivens classic essay on why Superman can't get laid. http://www.rawbw.com/%7Esvw/superman.html

    "The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.

    Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?

    III

    Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.

    Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.

    IV

    Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.

    Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)

    In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.

    Artificial insemination may give us better results."
    • ptsuk, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2So i guess since superman is such a ***** boyscout he wouldn't just pull out and aim away eh? He ***** lives in a fortress of solitude he can just fling his ***** down one of those bottomless crags that a couple of Zod's cronies went down.

      If the only reason why superman can't have sex is cause he's retarded and doesn't know when he's going to spurt its a pretty lame excuse if you ask me.
      • RationalXubrnce, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1 Go read the article I posted, not just the excerpt.
        • ptsuk, on 06/14/2008, -0/+1did and the article title is "superheroes who CAN'T have sex" which is completely false in superman's case. Would you titled it "can't mate, have human children/hybrids" that would be more apt do your precious (and completely ridiculous article by mr niven)
  • protogenxl, on 06/13/2008, -0/+10PETER: Hey, what are you doing here?
    SUPERMAN: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
  • haroonie, on 06/13/2008, -1/+1Sex and the Single Superhero!
    http://digg.com/comics_animation/Sex_and_the_Singl ...
  • DaHuuuuuudge, on 06/13/2008, -0/+10The article doesn't seem to exist anymore. Anybody have a mirror?
    • scotishstriker, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2please?, or someone just tell me who is on the the list
  • antdude, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1Broken link? :(
  • eschlueter, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2http://io9.com/5015295/superheroes-who-cant-have-s ...

    This seems to work okay.
  • goodbick, on 06/13/2008, -0/+3I hate to admit it but I'd probably give up sex for super powers.

    The above sentence speaks volumes about just how big of a nerd I am.
    • goddessophia, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1Well, luckily for me I always fantasized about being Jean Grey:

      "Jean Grey-Summers is a mutant born with telepathic and telekinetic powers. Her powers first manifested when she saw her childhood friend being hit by a car. She is a caring, nurturing figure, but she also must deal with being an Omega-level mutant and the physical manifestation of the cosmic Phoenix Force. She faces death several times in the history of the series, first in the classic "Dark Phoenix Saga," but due to her connection with the Phoenix Force, she, as her namesake implies, rises from death." - Wiki
  • Niightwitch, on 06/13/2008, -0/+7"Like Mogo, who's an entire planet and a member of the Green Lantern Corps. Who can Mogo have sex with? "

    Mogo can only have sex with Uranus.
  • tony23, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2In the comments, someone says:
    "where Kitty Pride on discovering Leech, and his powers, says "Oh, Rogue is gonna love you.""

    Damn - they just HAD to mention Kitty & Rogue in the same sentence..
    • Ramenboy005, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1rogue is hot when she not in those ***** horrible movies
  • MoDinero, on 06/13/2008, -0/+3If you have either nipple rings or a pierced ***** or both, better stay away from Magneto!
  • Owwmykneecap, on 06/13/2008, -1/+2Gotta say, I think Kitty is my favourite Jew, her or natalie portman...

    I'd be a little bit afraid of psylocke, she might lose control of that psychic knife..
  • darkever, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2Buried cause the author doesn't seem to know much about comic history. Like the Hulk mistake he points out or the forgotten Earth-X stories where The Thing has kids with Alicia. 2 of them.
    • doctorcaligari, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2Man, now I can't get the Thing and "rock hard" jokes outta my head.
      "I'm rock hard this morning" or "Our love is solid as a rock"
      Cue Bob Seeger "Like a Rock"...
  • Ramenboy005, on 06/13/2008, -0/+0Rogue can have sex....she can touch someone as long as her skin doesn't directly touch that person...All rogue needs to do is have her sex partner *coughs* Gambit *coughs* to use a condom
  • Infekted, on 06/13/2008, -0/+2Wrong! Rouge had a kid with Magneto. So obviously she got laid. ;P
  • nightmage61, on 06/13/2008, -0/+4Regarding Superman’s ejaculation problems, Larry Niven and others who think that it would mean the death of Lois Lane forget one key point that has been brought up time and time again in the Superman comics. Superman has full control over what we mere humans think of as involuntary mussels like our heart. Think about it, if he didn’t have this kind of control, every time Clark Kent sneezed the Daily Planet would need new walls. Given that level of control, he would be no threat to his lover.

    Getting their genetics to work together and the problems of carrying the child are still a valid issue.
  • MisterChirish, on 06/13/2008, -0/+0Where's the story for the sluttiest superheroines that are getting laid all the time? That would be worth the read...
  • DvidY, on 06/13/2008, -0/+1sex or being a superhero... flying, super strength..or sex.
    hmmmm... ill go with sex.
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