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25 Historical Events (As Depicted by 5 Year Olds)

cracked.com — Children are stupid. We know it's not their fault, but it doesn't stop us from laughing at their innocent, wide-eyed idiocy. With this in mind, here are some of history's most significant events, as they would be drawn by a five year-old child.

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  • johnleemk, on 07/03/2008, -42/+3The first was dumb, the but the rest was surprisingly good. Still, CAN WE HAVE IT ALL ON ONE PAGE PLEASE???
    • Acglaphotis, on 07/03/2008, -4/+6No.
    • nugz85, on 07/03/2008, -3/+15boo hoo, your fat finger had to hit the mouse one more time.
    • dreamparacite, on 07/04/2008, -2/+4Actually he's got a point, it's like those HAI TOP 10 VIDYA GAMES and then they take 8 pages to do it because they're ad revenue whores.

      Also, if you digg this down that means you agree with me.
  • FRosario, on 07/03/2008, -17/+5#1 = Adorably offensive.
  • tgunner, on 07/03/2008, -9/+3What is #12 and #18 supposed to be?
  • mentallyinhell, on 07/03/2008, -23/+86Michelangelo painting the ceiling took me a good 10 minutes to figure out. Great timekiller.
    • sandersdamnit, on 07/03/2008, -14/+145wow you must be retarded
    • userperson, on 07/03/2008, -2/+41Thanks for saving me 10 minutes.
    • yuanzhoulu, on 07/03/2008, -16/+7it's sad that a 5-year-old knows to say "WTF"

      it's also sad that all of these images are either war-related or religion-related. nobody cares for happy events, major breakthroughs, and so on?

      edit: never mind. i don't believe 5-year-olds know even WHAT the scopes-monkey trial is, now i think all of them are fake.
      • TheAssuager, on 07/03/2008, -0/+25did you know that this was a contest... there were no 5-year olds involved dude.
      • Stormwern, on 07/03/2008, -0/+7Or they assumed everyone would realise it's made by adults from the very first picture but find it funny anyway.
      • vdog, on 07/03/2008, -0/+6I would have thought that posters going by such names as 'Illiterati' or 'phluxcapacitor' would have been a dead give-away.
      • urbandistrict, on 07/04/2008, -1/+3or the fact that each image was done in MSPaint......
    • hellahyphy, on 07/03/2008, -2/+4haha that one came right to me. lol
    • shondell, on 07/03/2008, -0/+13"When Michelangelo was painting the Sixteen Chapels, he didn't stop at fifteen and say 'You know what? I'm tired. Why don't you guys finish the last one?'"
      • Zagorez, on 07/04/2008, -6/+0dugg for the diggnation reference
      • cheddarhead92, on 07/04/2008, -2/+1what episode is that from?
      • AeroZepp, on 07/04/2008, -0/+2I believe that was a reference to the Break Up.

        Vince Vaughn = Win.
    • finnmaccool, on 07/04/2008, -4/+1Thanks - #11 was going to keep me up all night. Had no idea one of them was called Michelangelo. I mean, should I know that?
    • muffinmonk, on 07/04/2008, -0/+2Michealangelo: Don't you know me? I'm the artist who painted the Sistine Chapel!
      Yakko: Oh really? Then what happened to the other 15 chapels?
      Michealangelo: I di-
      Yakko: Ah, ah, ah, gotcha there!
  • dunnylovehun, on 07/03/2008, -1/+10OK someone needs to post the full list. Someone with more time than me. The ones I almost missed were #12 (good call oball), #10 (the key is the gunfire), and #2 (forgot that happened on Xmas Eve, almost makes that my favorite). On #4, I'm just a little confused what the joke is. Isn't that how it really happened?
  • DrKillaphus, on 07/17/2008, -16/+6I'm just impressed that most of these kids know how to use MSpaint
    • john2kx, on 07/03/2008, -1/+20I'm impressed you can write, considering that you can't read.

      These are all "as they WOULD BE drawn by a 5 year-old child", not "drawn by a 5 year-old child".
      • DillonHinson, on 07/04/2008, -2/+1That....was by far the best comeback I've seen on digg is a long time! I just dugg you up.
  • Kanuhduh, on 07/03/2008, -3/+8I'm partial to the war of 1812.
  • zerocool1990, on 07/03/2008, -3/+22#10 supposed to be Iran-Contra thing ?
    • Disgod, on 07/03/2008, -0/+8I think you're right, because it does look sorta like Reagan and good old Oliver North(The Green Uniform I think gives it away). The scatter guns from Contra and the alien looking thing.

      I though it was the Red Scare at first because I though Reagan was JFK, but you're fits much better.
      • Disgod, on 07/04/2008, -0/+2Edit** ...JFK, but yours fits much better.

        I hate it when I screw up that.
      • dangerfieldj, on 07/04/2008, -0/+2I had thought it was JFK as well, leading me to believe it was the Red Scare.
        It's a whole different picture now, haha.
    • userperson, on 07/03/2008, -4/+15↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A
      • daxmedflax, on 07/04/2008, -0/+1start
      • userperson, on 07/04/2008, -0/+1@daxmedflax
        You had few friends eh?
        opposed to " select start "
    • john2kx, on 07/03/2008, -5/+2If you already figured out it was Contra, did you really need to ask that?
      What other historical event has the word "Contra" in it?
    • pivovy, on 07/03/2008, -1/+2I remember long long time ago that thing scared the crap out of me
    • DefaultGen, on 07/04/2008, -0/+2You just made something I didn't understand into one of the best pictures I've ever seen.
  • HeDiggMe, on 07/03/2008, -5/+12Dugg for Jonestown. OH YEAH!!!!
  • bannus, on 07/03/2008, -1/+13225. Atomic bombing of Hiroshima or Nagasaki
    24. The Battle of the Alamo
    23. Eli Whitney Invents the Cotton Gin
    22. The War of 1812
    21. Woodstock
    20. Jonestown http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonestown
    19. Easter
    18. Cold War
    17. Hitler Salute
    16. http://www.seanet.com/%7Ejimxc/Politics/dewey_defe ...
    15. Berlin Air Lift http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berlin_Blockade#Berli ...
    14. ???
    13. Scopes Trial http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scopes_Trial
    12. Moon Landing
    11. Michelangelo paints the Sistine Chapel ceiling
    10. ???
    9. Trojan horse...?
    8. Marie Antoinette "Let them eat cake"
    7. Assassination of Abraham Lincoln
    6. Desegregation
    5. Columbus discovers America
    4. ???
    3. First man on the moon...?
    2. Washington Crossing the Delaware
    1. The Underground Railroad

    any ideas on the ones I didn't get?
  • edwartica, on 07/03/2008, -1/+66Zombie Jesus!!!!
    • EverydayCrap, on 07/03/2008, -1/+2I agree... definitely dugg for Zombie Jesus!
  • chetanthaker, on 07/03/2008, -1/+22Dugg for the 'Battle of Elmo' (#24)
  • TooScoops, on 07/03/2008, -3/+6#14 = Trail of Tears
    #10 = Iran Contra...spread gun!
    #4 = Quaker Indian Massacre?

    #22: That's exactly how the war of 1812 went down.
    • john2kx, on 07/03/2008, -0/+1Also, that's exactly how Iran-Contra went down, IIRC.
      Flamethrowers would have been useful to take down aliens, but they were ***** until part 3. :
  • yuriw, on 07/03/2008, -4/+81Dugg for "Hi Hitler!"
  • dshPls, on 07/03/2008, -10/+3http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=ir ... pummels this POS cracked article.
    • MavRevMatt, on 07/03/2008, -0/+9A classic but ***** Maddox. He doesn't update anymore because he already made his money on his POS book.
    • GorfTron, on 07/03/2008, -2/+2That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST? Nice try, Hitler. F
    • dmacmattack, on 07/03/2008, -0/+3No it doesn't
  • netneutrality, on 07/03/2008, -9/+3Slightly worrying how few of them were done using real pens and paints. Kids used to have to worry about keeping inside the lines when coloring in -- now they just have to make sure there's no gaps in the lines when they use the flood fill tool. :-/
    • KingHarvest00, on 07/03/2008, -2/+41yeah I'm pretty sure 90% of these were done by adults.
      • travisMarc, on 07/03/2008, -0/+2That was the whole idea. It was a contest to see who could draw some historical event funniest (as depicted by a 5 year old). Title is misleading.
  • MattFid, on 07/03/2008, -13/+2Funny but fuh-ache!
  • MavRevMatt, on 07/03/2008, -7/+1Even if this isn't real it's still hilarious.
  • TheTaoOfBill, on 07/03/2008, -1/+17I couldn't stop laughing at the quaker in the jet pack and the Indians running for their lives lmao.
  • GorfTron, on 07/03/2008, -6/+3#9 Homer tells of the Trojan horse?
    • diggystardust, on 07/03/2008, -1/+5At first I thought it had something to do with Homer's "The Odyssey" . . .

      /yes i know it's not a true story
      • TheTaoOfBill, on 07/03/2008, -0/+3"yes i know it's not a true story"

        BLASPHEMY!!
      • Cloud7654, on 07/04/2008, -0/+3Homer's "The Iliad", actually. "The Odyssey" is a different epic.
  • j4nj1m3n3z, on 07/03/2008, -3/+22#1 is pure genious
  • Ex3poo, on 07/03/2008, -7/+50These are actually how George W Bush see's them.
    • NolanRey, on 07/04/2008, -2/+2ZING!
    • enderwiggen16, on 07/04/2008, -5/+5I'm not a Bush fan but these jokes are seriously getting annoying.
      It's not witty.
    • cheeseplease, on 07/04/2008, -0/+5... says the guy who writes "sees" with apostrophe s.
  • darthbob, on 07/03/2008, -3/+6Dugg for Sic Semper 'Tyranasorus'.
  • Megaman703, on 07/03/2008, -7/+2Dugg for "Hi Hitler!"
  • Tayloristehsux, on 07/03/2008, -5/+10Remember the Elmo.
  • Bibadeybop, on 07/03/2008, -8/+2Anyone else see a problem with a five year old using "WTF"?
    • XBSHX, on 07/03/2008, -2/+4most if not all of these are probably done by adults.
    • Johnsillyhead, on 07/03/2008, -0/+4WTF = Where's the fun?
    • treecha02, on 07/04/2008, -0/+2Did you read the introduction? It states very clearly that ALL of them were done by adults. It was a contest.
  • Viriatus2, on 07/03/2008, -8/+2#19 Jesus face is hilarious, looks like he's on drugs or taking a dump

    lmao
  • drmangrum, on 07/03/2008, -13/+2More like bad art drawn by adults impersonating 5 year olds. I find it highly suspect that any 5 year old would know about the Trail of Tears, indian casinos, the war of 1812, the cotton gin, the fact that Homer told of Troy, etc.
    • kevman459, on 07/03/2008, -1/+2You must be new here.
      "With this in mind, we asked you to depict some of history's most significant events, as they would be drawn by a five year-old child."
    • KillerStone, on 07/03/2008, -0/+2You do realize...that's what it is. Perhaps your just unfamiliar with Cracked.
  • crazzy88ss, on 07/03/2008, -9/+3All 5 year olds use MS Paint?
  • MAGZine, on 07/03/2008, -8/+2Photoshop'd.
  • jordanleegauci, on 07/03/2008, -8/+2Jesus was a zombie? Wow that is new.
    • TheTaoOfBill, on 07/03/2008, -0/+2What else would you call a man who comes back from the dead?
  • Syphon8, on 07/03/2008, -5/+2#11 is by far the best.
  • lutiana, on 07/03/2008, -7/+3The zombie jesus nearly made me fal off of my chair laughing. The others were a bit humorous too
  • Stepoo, on 07/03/2008, -16/+23http://www.cracked.com/forums/topic/35174/ms-paint ...

    They weren't actually drawn by 5 year-olds.
    • dunnylovehun, on 07/03/2008, -1/+38Good sleuth work! Or you could have just read the intro where it says "With this in mind, we asked you to depict some of history's most significant events, as they would be drawn by a five year-old child."
    • muffinmonk, on 07/04/2008, -2/+2Whoosh!
  • Simonft, on 07/03/2008, -3/+74.Quaker Indian Massacre, the guy is off the Quaker oats box.
    • achoi, on 07/04/2008, -0/+2I didn't get the jet pack and the weapon, until you mentioned 'Quaker'
      brilliant!
  • xutheBrain, on 07/03/2008, -7/+1#9 - If I remember correctly, though, Homer only briefly mentions the Trojan Horse and then only after the fact and not as part of the narrative - more as part of listing someone's accomplishments. Virgil tells the story behind it in The Aeneid, I think, and that's Latin history, not Greek, really.
  • hitkaiser, on 07/03/2008, -3/+1Dugg for Scorpious on the moon with Rigel floating around
  • baysidecomedy, on 07/03/2008, -6/+2this is so hilarious, the photoshop contests are the only thing good about cracked.com



    and that article about zombies a while back.
    • bman85, on 07/10/2008, -0/+1I gotta say, most of their articles are dang funny, especially when you read the stuff they write.
  • ahalbert, on 07/03/2008, -9/+15 year old's saying wtf and knowing what gin is.......haha i bet these where done by an adult, he was just 2 ashamed to realize he sucks at drawing.
    • treecha02, on 07/04/2008, -0/+1Read the introduction! It's only few sentences, for god's sake!
  • luap119, on 07/03/2008, -11/+2BS these were done by 5 year olds...

    Maybe I'm just a tard?
  • Samo89, on 07/03/2008, -6/+1thats amazing, but wut r 12 10 and 8
    • Eganj, on 07/04/2008, -0/+110 has something to do with the contras but I have no clue either. Anyone of you enlightened douche bags digging him down care to help the rest of us see the light?
  • nesdude985, on 07/03/2008, -4/+4It's a little disappointing that these weren't really done by kids. It would have been interesting to see how kids really pictured history...
  • greenroom628, on 07/03/2008, -1/+5dugg for ninjas and atom bombs.
  • alphonseragusa, on 07/03/2008, -3/+8Hi Hitler!
  • masterJDK, on 07/03/2008, -1/+19Dugg for "Where'd my black people go?"
  • Bjover, on 07/03/2008, -7/+2*yawn*
  • 404digg, on 07/03/2008, -2/+2A smile on the monkey in the 'Scopes' drawing would have made it even funnier.
  • forthenonce, on 07/03/2008, -1/+0that's fantastic.
  • hellahyphy, on 07/03/2008, -1/+1Great laugh. lol
  • ShadowFoxxx, on 07/03/2008, -0/+1The last one is definitely laugh out loud material.
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