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7 People Who Cheated Death (Then Kicked It In The Balls)

cracked.com — How would you react to being dropped out of a plane without a parachute, or buried alive? After crapping your pants, that is. These folks survived that and more, slapping Death in the face and telling it to go make them a sandwich.

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  • bluepill2, on 07/21/2008, -166/+9Including the little girl at the end was pretty ballsy for cracked. Imagine how the meeting went:
    Editor: Hey Son Tran (the writer), you're up! Write something funny!
    Son Tran: Ok, what about? Any ideas, material?
    Editor: Right, check this out, I read this in some chain letter: there's this little 7 year old girl who jumped in front of her mom to save her from some psycho boyfriend with a gun. She begged him not to, but got shot anyway, 6 times, 2 to the head. There! Write some jokes about it!! Go!
  • PathmarkPolice, on 07/21/2008, -48/+970McCain's been cheating it since he got off the Mayflower.
    • ieee, on 07/21/2008, -19/+12What about Cheney. I'm surprised he is still alive after all of this operations and cardiovascular events.
      • kingmanic, on 07/21/2008, -2/+41He made a pact with Satan. In exchange for spreading pain and misery he gets to live. Side effects include the need to drink the blood of small children.
      • Ramble, on 07/21/2008, -1/+24That's a side effect?
    • KaiUno, on 07/21/2008, -10/+52Since the Mayflower? Not all dinosaurs went extinct when that giant meteor crashed, you know.
    • smoothdogg00, on 07/21/2008, -44/+92Can we leave politics out of stuff like this? Enough already.
      • dougmc, on 07/21/2008, -7/+93Politics are ok, as long as they're funny.
      • sakuraz, on 07/21/2008, -12/+7Hey, THEY're the ones who brought Chuck Norris into Politics.
      • ieee, on 07/21/2008, -21/+7I used to think Chuck Norris movies were great until I watched Bruce Lee movies and until I saw a Chuck Norris movie as an adult. I realized that as a martial artist he sucked compared to Lee. I realized this was true as a movie maker as well. The mentality of his films were adolescent, even for action movies.

        Read the wikipedia page on Norris. He is super duper far right wing. It is amazing.

        I did enjoy his series "Walker Texas Ranger".
      • Gartland32, on 07/21/2008, -5/+15^ Why did you tell us that?
      • LuckySephid, on 07/21/2008, -2/+16someone get him a maxipad
      • crazycarlmar, on 07/21/2008, -5/+3Look at it like this, the life expectancy in the US for males is 75 years. McCain will be 72 if he becomes president. This means that the odds are that he will die before he term would end.
      • kenedamick, on 07/21/2008, -0/+5Nope - making fun of old man McCain is hilarious. Someone get the old fella his crazy pills.
      • bdfariello, on 07/21/2008, -2/+2Of course Chuck Norris is a super-duper right winger... He supported Huckabee. Remember the Huck and Chuck facts?

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjYv2YW6azE
      • dougmc, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1crazycarlmar --

        That's not how it works. 75 is an average, and it includes those who die at 1 and those who die at 104. If you're already lived to 72, and you're healthy (and I think McCain mostly is), then the odds are you're going to live a while longer.

        According to http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr54/nvsr54_14 ... , a 70 year old while lives an additional 13.4 years on average in the US (as of 2003, anyways.) At 75, it's 10.4 years, so statistically speaking, the odds are that he will survive the next 4 (or 8) years.

        He's an old guy, don't get me wrong, but he's probably not knocking on Death's door quite yet.
    • fulibs, on 07/21/2008, -28/+10Is this still funny? We get it, McCain is old, you are still grabbing at strings, trying to play the old card....
      • nullx42, on 07/21/2008, -2/+13It's getting old.
      • Evilena, on 07/21/2008, -5/+10Someday the sun is going to run out of run out of hydrogen to turn into helium and will turn into a red giant with a radius beyond the Earth's current orbit. Its not going to happen for another 5 billion years though, so you wouldn't have to worry about it until you are John McCain's age.
      • garypotty, on 07/21/2008, -7/+2Well we have to make fun of him for something
      • ieee, on 07/21/2008, -4/+2fulibs;

        Making a judgment about someone based on the number of years in their age is lame. Making a judgment about them based on signs of being in poor shape as a result of age isn't.

        McCain is constantly flubbing details, showing that he is behind the times in regards to world events ( i.e. thinking that the Czech republic & Slovakia is still one country- Czechislovakia ), being rigid like an old man and have short fuse

        In other words, a tried, confused, rigid and angry old man.

      • Evilena, on 07/21/2008, -4/+4"Well we have to make fun of him for something"

        He can't use a computer to call his wife a *****.


      • ieee, on 07/21/2008, -3/+3Maybe that is why he called her a ***** in the first place. He resents being dependent on her for his information.
      • Lleu, on 07/21/2008, -4/+1@Nullx42

        Not as old as McCain though!
    • christianGM, on 07/21/2008, -9/+0^^^^This is a very funny, topical humor joke.
    • Tyrghast, on 07/21/2008, -7/+10I like the fact that Jim Thompson went through more ***** than John McCain, and never tried to bank on that to get what he wanted (like being a Senator, etc.)
    • mostfynest, on 07/21/2008, -8/+0Cutting the arm off one is typical of nz maori behaviour
    • fastang, on 07/22/2008, -8/+1My god. You stupid ***** Democrats need to lay the ***** off.
      • airwalke, on 07/22/2008, -1/+6You don't need to be Democrat to hate McCain.
    • yunebug, on 07/22/2008, -8/+2Best. Comment. Ever.

      How original am I? I am not worthy!
    • OtterStratton, on 07/22/2008, -11/+2Come on, John McCain isn't that old.


      It was his father who got off of the Mayflower.
    • MedicalMatt, on 07/22/2008, -11/+2way to turn an inspiring story into some trivial political remark
    • dn11, on 07/22/2008, -2/+1http://youtube.com/watch?v=7yl3UMO-TkE
    • str1fe, on 07/22/2008, -1/+5Don't you mean the Santa Maria?
  • hiteshsharma, on 07/21/2008, -91/+8"Alexis thought about dying for a second then decided she still had some ***** to do."
    Like the ***** article u wrote..
    What the ***** is with these Cracked.com people, Cant they use some respect while talking about such daring people.
    • lightmartyr, on 07/21/2008, -5/+8No.
    • theOster, on 07/21/2008, -1/+45i dont know - am i alone in thinking that they actually *are* respecting these people by presenting them in a "badass" kind of light?
    • wildpass2, on 07/22/2008, -0/+6They are saying how awesome these people are, did you even read the article?
  • cowsgonemadd3, on 07/21/2008, -65/+5Warning bad language!
    • CATSCEO2, on 07/21/2008, -0/+34This is digg.
    • fulibs, on 07/21/2008, -1/+24Warning: My mom is watching us!
    • legoalert33, on 07/21/2008, -0/+43*****!
    • xerexes1, on 07/21/2008, -1/+20If you're offended, use the handy profanity filter.
    • kenedamick, on 07/21/2008, -5/+3***** pussy.
    • DarkReign16, on 07/22/2008, -1/+6You are lame. Bad language alert? Jesus dude, are you 10? You've said that like 6 times in other digg articles, and you get dugg down each time, so learn from your mistakes, and shut the hell up already, douche.
  • barstegry, on 07/21/2008, -4/+54Thank you sir. May I have another?
  • ptronius, on 07/21/2008, -4/+120If Death made me a sandwich, I don't think I would eat it.
  • FrizzleyFry, on 07/21/2008, -5/+417Dugg for the comment about #1

    "...the truth is this seven-year-old girl is simply more man than we'll ever be."
    • martinj88, on 07/21/2008, -0/+87dugg for this, because it made her sound about as bad ass as shaft...

      "Alexis thought about dying for a second then decided she still had some ***** to do."
    • endlessoul, on 07/21/2008, -1/+15Truly amazing. I'd like to see how Alexis is doing now.

      I also agree with that line. It takes someone with courage to something like that.
    • metalgel, on 07/21/2008, -2/+5"It was at this point that the gunman decided he should stamp his passport into hell and started shooting."

      that made me lulz
    • Fozefy, on 07/21/2008, -1/+1That's Detroit for you. I remember seeing this on the news a while ago. (I live in Windsor just across the border from Detroit, so I get their TV stations.)
    • ansatsu29, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1Aptly said, dugg for number 1. Girl is really brave to cheat death that way.
  • Birdoftruth, on 07/21/2008, -6/+342Man this was a great article and Cracked's writing is impressive and very entertaining.
    • joegibes, on 07/21/2008, -2/+75"Plus saying that he was lucky to have the tool to cut through his arm is kind of like saying you're lucky to have Chapstick on your lips while your head is on fire. "
    • dougmc, on 07/21/2008, -2/+8Agreed, though I wish they'd put everything on one page. Sure, if it's 1000 items, split it up into many pages. But if it's only 10 items, it'll fit on one page.
      • waterrat132000, on 07/21/2008, -1/+5but they get twice the page hits if they put it on 2 pages... clever marketing... clever marketing... you think adsense would have figured this out by now and not made it as profitable
      • mizike, on 07/21/2008, -0/+13That usually pisses me off too; but cracked is generally pretty entertaining and having it on two pages is reasonable as there's a fair amount of content. It's the articles that have little content spread over like 10 pages that I generally won't deal with. This includes anything from divinecaroline.com which will put 1/8th the content of a cracked article over 3 pages.
    • gn0stik, on 07/21/2008, -13/+17No Lance Armstrong? Survives Cancer, goes on to win umpty tour de france? If that's not kicking death in the balls (for taking one of his), I don't know what is.
      • kingmanic, on 07/21/2008, -17/+9Since the testicular cancer was likely self inflicted (roids are noted to cause testicular cancer), I'm not sure if that makes him more of a Darwin awards honorable mention vs a "bad-ass". Since bicyclists seem to be all juiced at one point or another, this may be the case.
      • fas2, on 07/21/2008, -13/+5He is a dopehead.
      • dpantages, on 07/21/2008, -8/+5buried for mindless accusations without and explanation
      • stubear, on 07/21/2008, -0/+25Perhaps you should read the article. While what Lance did was impressive, it pales in comparison to most of these stories.
      • SimonTB, on 07/21/2008, -0/+7What he did is not impressive because he survived, it's only impressive that he won so many... if you care about that *****. The treatment for his cancer worked. He did not have to cut his arm off, fall 33,000 feet or get shot 6 times.
      • DismantleRepair, on 07/21/2008, -0/+2Not to mention, they already included him in their list of "Manliest Names Ever".

        No double dipping on Cracked, it seems.
    • pacman122, on 07/21/2008, -13/+3@Birdoftruth Are you on the payroll for cracked or are you just that big of a tool?
    • Switchnig, on 07/21/2008, -5/+4very Maddoxesque
      • fdsarawr, on 07/22/2008, -1/+4It blatantly ripped off Maddox. Funny nonetheless since that ***** doesn't update his site anyway.
    • MrBill79, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1You hear that? I think it's the sound of hell freezing over.
  • gametavern, on 07/21/2008, -14/+5If death is a he, and he has balls, should it be "Then Kicked Him in the Balls".

    Why isn't Bill and Ted on this list?
    • cdigioia, on 07/21/2008, -1/+7If Bill and Ted are two separate people, should it be "Why aren't Bill and Ted..."

      And if that's a question you're asking, shouldn't there be a question mark?
      • ntropi, on 07/21/2008, -3/+1"If Bill and Ted are two separate people, should it be 'Why aren't Bill and Ted...' "

        That sounds like a question... so shouldn't there be a question mark?
        Dumbass

      • cdigioia, on 07/21/2008, -0/+2I was copying his exact formatting (sans question mark as he did it) then in the next line, mentioned the question mark.

        +1 for swearing though!
    • supermanly, on 07/21/2008, -0/+2Bill and Ted didn't cheat death; they beat him fair and square. But they still kicked him in the balls.

      They still should have been an honorable mention for how awesome they are.

      And cdigioia, you obviously understood what gametavern was saying so why the ***** are you complaining?

      If Bill and Ted are two separate people, should it be "Why aren't Bill and Ted..."

      I don't know, SHOULD IT BE?

      ***** nitpicker
      • Vorin, on 07/21/2008, -1/+1"***** nitpicker"
        - That was the point, considering gametavern attempted to correct the title of the article.
        (It's called irony)
    • xs11ax, on 07/21/2008, -0/+3WYLD STALLYONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • zapperdude60, on 07/21/2008, -3/+30dugg for title
  • Lorddias, on 07/21/2008, -8/+68Wow this article is not only interesting but hilarious. I'm dying laughing here.
    • recruz, on 07/21/2008, -2/+5be careful- if you aren't one of these people in the list, death my actually come get ya
    • Managua8Green, on 07/22/2008, -4/+2I hope you die a painful and horrendous death.
  • CptBuck, on 07/21/2008, -34/+2I dunno if they're still alive since they'd be very old, but apparently there are a couple reported cases of WWII bomber crew members falling out of shot down B-17 with no parachute from ~22,000 feet and surviving. This guy, for instance, fell through the roof of a railroad station.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Magee

    There is no excuse for not having this woman though, airline stewardess who fell 33,000 feet and survived. She's still alive apparently.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vesna_Vulovi%C4%87
    • KanedaMGM, on 07/21/2008, -0/+15Did you not read the first part of the article?

      "Vesna Vulovic was a stewardess back in the '70s working on a Serbian airline"
    • dargon, on 07/21/2008, -1/+14Did you actually read the article? She was survivor #1
    • Smaulz, on 07/21/2008, -0/+11You mean like the FIRST ONE ON THE LIST?? Did you RTFA?
  • leif777, on 07/21/2008, -3/+22I wonder if insurance compancies would cover these people?
    • hotpuck6, on 07/21/2008, -1/+13if it was life insurance, probably in a heartbeat.
      They're not going down without a fight.
      • Cenobite, on 07/21/2008, -2/+8Unlike your mom.
      • Managua8Green, on 07/22/2008, -1/+1His mom didn't put up much of a fight for me. That wild cougar she is.
    • KMartSheriff, on 07/21/2008, -0/+5"We're sorry sir, we can't cover you because you are too badass."
  • julesbond007, on 07/21/2008, -30/+0All Bush needs to say is "Executive Privilege" and death will walk away (war crimes in this situation).
  • goeric, on 07/21/2008, -1/+491"It was at this point that Poon began to suspect that the Nazis were dicks." lol classic.
    • mrtrevin, on 07/21/2008, -0/+19That line is so right in so many ways.
    • liquidcable, on 07/21/2008, -0/+79***** hilarious!

      I also like :
      "According to Meng, coal tastes great when you're starving to death. Otherwise it tastes like ass. "
      • Managua8Green, on 07/22/2008, -1/+6haha, that was in the story I just read!
    • SpeedStix, on 07/21/2008, -0/+6I laughed pretty hard when I read that too. Props to cracked.com
    • culbeda, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1This guy (followed closely by the Mengs) should be tops without question. The little girl story was impressive. But she was VERY lucky.
  • exodii, on 07/21/2008, -26/+5To Death: "go make me a sandwich"
    Death: "make it yourself!"
    "sudo make me a sandwich"
    "okay"
    (of course, this is just for the rest of us. The people on this list run slackware and have death's root password).
  • jaikob, on 07/21/2008, -2/+52That video with the guy that cut his arm off was harder to watch than BME Olympics or Two Girls One Cup.
    • dilberter, on 07/21/2008, -2/+26Rolston is first and foremost a major idiot before a badass.
      He broke rule number one of hiking when he left for his hike alone, then broke rule number two for not telling anyone of his itinerary.
      For being such an experienced hiker/climber, you're begging for trouble when you go into a desert area such as southern Utah's slot canyons by yourself.
      I think after 5 days most people would do the same as he did, unless you were too embarrassed to go back home and have to admit what a jackass you were.

      None of the other victims put themselves in the situation they were in by sheer stupidity. They were all either working or, in the case of the little girl, put in that situation by the screwed up relationship between her parents.
      • ptsuk, on 07/21/2008, -9/+1EXACTLY! The guy shouldn't be on this list because it was his own stupid actions that put his life in danger. I bet it was by his actions that the boulder shifted and crushed his arm.

        The more idiot thing though is what he did after, he got an climbing axe for a hand. Great! So when this happens again, and oh it will trust me, he'll be stuck with his precious axe crushed and trapped and he'll need a cutting torch to get free! So he'll be dead in a weeks time and the next climbers will only find a pile of bones at the bottom and a crushed trapped axe and think, hmmmm didn't i read about this on digg?
      • Cenobite, on 07/21/2008, -2/+6I think that just means he kicked Darwin in the balls.
      • KMartSheriff, on 07/21/2008, -0/+11The line between stupid and badass is thin.
      • tdogg241, on 07/22/2008, -0/+4Except now he has an axe for an arm. If anything, I'd say he came out ahead on this one.
      • freqk, on 07/22/2008, -1/+2Huge balls and a huge brains are not mutually inclusive.
        I say keep him on the list.
  • WeaponAlpha, on 07/21/2008, -11/+81Dugg for "...Canada, which is like the US, but with better beer and fewer guns."
  • theghoul, on 07/21/2008, -5/+187FTA:

    "Regardless, with his scalp hanging in huge flaps from his skull and bleeding heavily, Brent managed to get up and go for help. He got back to his car and drove 15 miles, covered in blood and bear bites. Death could only stand on the side of the road and shake its fist. "

    Cracked has some awesome friggen writers.
    • reddog093, on 07/21/2008, -1/+1They must not have seen Final Destination. Death does not lose :)
  • vroom101, on 07/21/2008, -6/+22A fantastic, riveting read!
  • tgunner, on 07/21/2008, -9/+30Nothing beats Grigory Rasputin: http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=356

    (Only difference between him and the others is that he eventually did die!)
    • zarathustra0, on 07/21/2008, -1/+3It's true! Rasputin was a freaking alien or something
    • merreborn, on 07/21/2008, -0/+14...wait, you're saying these people aren't going to eventually die?
      • tgunner, on 07/21/2008, -0/+2No, Rasputin died within hours of the first attempt. The people in the article all lived (or are still living) for many years.
      • Cenobite, on 07/21/2008, -0/+3merreborn... *dramatically takes off glasses*... That's exactly what he's saying.
    • Killerah, on 07/21/2008, -0/+5Yeah, Rasputin was pretty much the embodiment of pure evil. Just look at any of his pictures, the guy was clearly a demon in human form.
  • ricksite, on 07/21/2008, -10/+3What about that girl who survived rabies back in 2004? Now that is what I call cheating death.
  • teh_spazz, on 07/21/2008, -3/+79A 7 year old takes 6 six guns hots and lives..***** me...
    • Amadeus2490, on 07/21/2008, -4/+13As long as you didn't just ask me to ***** the 7 yeah-old, we're cool.
    • matt3454, on 07/21/2008, -8/+1erm.... thats paedophilia
    • jc7012, on 07/21/2008, -2/+31That's a pretty disturbing pick-up line...but it just might work..
    • fxu1989, on 07/21/2008, -3/+1No thank you.
    • Jeremyz0r, on 07/21/2008, -2/+2Did you just ask a 7 year old girl to take 6 gun shots and then ***** you?
      O_O
  • Oscar92, on 07/21/2008, -7/+234"Alexis thought about dying for a second then decided she still had some ***** to do"
    ***** awesome
  • ezalis, on 07/21/2008, -15/+2Aron Ralston isn't bad ass, he's an idiot. Days before hiking out he was on top of a mountain and saw lightning coming off of his climbing pole and continued going risking the life of himself and everyone in his group. If he would have told anyone where he was hiking or didn't go in places he shouldn't have been anyway he wouldn't of had to cut off his arm.
  • selmer, on 07/21/2008, -0/+108That little girl is a total badass. Hopefully, Cracked.com includes that ***** boyfriend on their future list "Satan's Top Ten Favorite Flesh Condoms"
  • Griff7272, on 07/21/2008, -7/+7no Arnold Rimmer?
  • JayTee44, on 07/21/2008, -10/+1I forget- is today a pool day?
  • iamsmooth, on 07/21/2008, -22/+1This was the most poorly written Cracked story I've seen yet. It looks like it never even got edited. Don't get me wrong, I normally love Cracked, but this time, I couldn't get through the whole article.
    • iamsmooth, on 07/21/2008, -6/+1Bury me if you want, but you guys are idiots if you can't tell this isn't written by the regular Cracked writers--you know, the ones who aren't grammatically challenged.
      • sgtbutterscotch, on 07/21/2008, -1/+4Pretty sure all of their articles are written like that.
  • Andrwmorph, on 07/21/2008, -3/+61Dugg for Cracked writers.
    • picalicious, on 07/21/2008, -8/+2what does that mean when anyone can write for cracked?
      • Cenobite, on 07/21/2008, -0/+3When you can snatch the Manual of Style from my hands, Grasshopper, your training will be complete.
      • wildpass2, on 07/22/2008, -0/+0There's a big difference between "Anyone can write for Cracked" and "Anyone can try to write for Cracked". They don't just print an article because you email it to them
      • picalicious, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1I would understand, dugg for cracked. but dugg for cracked writers, refers to the people not the content.
  • XenoSNK, on 07/21/2008, -0/+184I think 7 is probably the most impressive. That's just seemingly impossible to be. Can you imagine watching someone falling for 3 minutes straight, hitting the ground, and living?

    ***** crazy.
    • MonkCanatella, on 07/21/2008, -12/+1Well if she weighed as much as an ant, that might not be so cool.
      • Vorin, on 07/21/2008, -0/+12Density is actually more important that weight. The less dense an object is, the slower its terminal velocity.
      • Merendino, on 07/21/2008, -0/+9Not in a real world scenario where you have to take air resistance into effect. A small lead shaving will fall much slower than an ice cube.
    • mrc22091, on 07/21/2008, -2/+8I think she was probably unconscious for most of the fall, either from the explosion, depressurization, or shock.
    • fas2, on 07/21/2008, -2/+37It is impressive alright, but the guy who cut his arm off is seriously is number one for me. Did you watch the video? That felt so terrible only watching him tell the story.
    • DestroyFascism, on 07/21/2008, -5/+2I wonder if you would break wind when you hit? Could bloat have saved a life?
    • HaMMeReD, on 07/21/2008, -0/+3Well, once you reach terminal velocity which doesn't take a long time the rest of the time your actually slowing down (assuming thats what your trying to do).

      Also they say she hit the side of a mountain but certain aspects of physics need to be taken into account e.g. distribution of force, if she hit the side of the mountain perpendicular and straight on, she would most definitely make a nice splat. But if she hit some trees, and fell into a snow-packed downward slope, there is actually a good probability of survival of the initial impact, it all just depends on how fast she slows down. She's not the only one to survive falling from a plane.
      • LacY, on 07/22/2008, -0/+2There's a really good "damn interesting" article about it. The think part of the reason she surviced was because she was unconscious when she hit, and thus wasn't tense.

        http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=18
      • mu0p, on 07/22/2008, -2/+1LACY is 100% right, a few people that have been picked up and thrown by a tornado went unconscious and lived because their muscles were completely relaxed, if she were conscious and fell, it would've been a definite death
      • ramunenke, on 07/22/2008, -1/+1She is badass nonetheless. Dont sully this.
      • caseycoold, on 07/22/2008, -1/+1You aren't slowing down, you stay the same speed, duh.
        Also, the snow saved her life. The only part of the story that bothered me.
  • anbublackops, on 07/21/2008, -9/+3I enjoyed the article. However, the statement that Canada is like the US but "with fewer guns", is simply not true. There are more guns per capita in Canada than in the US. The few Canadians I know have told me that most Canadians are enthusiastic gun owners, and avid hunters.
  • Stavrosian, on 07/21/2008, -1/+8No Joe Simpson? Are you ***** kidding me?

    (The guy who was left for dead on Siula Grande with a broken leg, only to crawl his way down it over the course of 4 days, not the baseball guy or the one who spawned the two terrible pop singers.)
    • Managua8Green, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1well, they have a show about the rest of them. Its called "How am I still alive." Or some ***** like that. Don't quote my quotes.
  • wolphcry, on 07/21/2008, -19/+12Aron Ralston is a dumb ass.. I've been out in Utah where he was. Rocks fall the time, so you never go out there without telling someone when and where. He failed to do both, he also went alone.
    If he had told people and not gone alone he might still have a hand or a medic could have done the cutting. He was just lucky.
    • cjohara, on 07/21/2008, -2/+7The guy wasn't a hero. Read his book. He should be given an award for defying Darwin. Sure he cheated death, but any spawn he has should be drown.
  • fant0m, on 07/21/2008, -2/+247Actual photo (of Christopher Walken)
  • dajuggernaut, on 07/21/2008, -10/+4cake or death...
  • gegroff, on 07/21/2008, -1/+9Dugg just for #1. That is one tough little girl.
  • KillerStone, on 07/21/2008, -3/+53Aron Ralston wasn't an engineer for Intel at the time of his accident. He had left his cushy engineering job in New Mexico to move to Colorado and work in an outdoors shop for what was a undoubtedly crappy wage. But he did get to climb a lot more than in New Mexico and he had hopes to become the first person to summit all of Colorado's 14,000 ft peaks solo and in winter. If you don't respect him getting out of a major screw up, respect him for have the guts to follow his dream.
    • wolphcry, on 07/21/2008, -12/+4He did get out of it, but he wouldn't make it in winter if he couldn't even survive in the summer. Maybe it was someone's way of telling Him "Dreams are great, but some people aren't cut out for the task".
      • Vorin, on 07/21/2008, -4/+8wait, are you telling me he didn't survive in the summer? I was under the impression that he survived, incapacitated, for five days with his hand pinned between large boulders and still managed to survive.
      • wolphcry, on 07/21/2008, -8/+4Vorin you're missing my point. If he had done what all real outdoors men do he would have never been out there 5 days!. You don't make a hero out of a person that was just a plain dumb ass. Would anyone care if a dumb ass took his brand new car into Oakland and left the keys in, came back 5 hours later and it was still there. So they where both lucky not heroes.
      • Cloud7654, on 07/21/2008, -3/+1wolphcry:

        No one said he was a hero. He still survived under harsh conditions, and that's the whole point of the article. I mean, he cut off his own ***** arm and that takes balls.
    • JointVenture, on 07/21/2008, -2/+7He was a ***** egotistical moron.

      Ive been to Blue Johns slot and you dont go in there alone. Its pitch black for much of the way and the water can be ankle deep to waste deep to FLOODING as in flash floods.

      There are rattle snakes who have fallen down into the cracks that can jump out and bite even the most seasoned climber.

      Its common ***** sense, you TELL people where you are going and you take someone with you when you go into a slot like Blue Johns.
    • cerealjynx, on 07/21/2008, -1/+4I respect him for having a climbing axe for an arm!
    • KMartSheriff, on 07/22/2008, -0/+2Yeah, I mean it's badass he cut off his own arm. Mad props there.

      But if he had only TOLD SOMEONE or maybe HAD A CLIMBING PARTNER he could have avoided it altogether. It's like admiring someone for still being alive after driving a car off a cliff without a seatbelt on (by choice).
      • utahnkid, on 07/22/2008, -4/+2Actually it's not like that at all.

        It's a lot more like someone getting in a hiking accident, cutting their own arm off to live (with a pocket knife), then without an arm, hiking the rest of the way back and surviving.

    • Managua8Green, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1YEAH, that happened in Yosemite, it was all over the Fresno news.

      Or was it?
      • JointVenture, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1It wasnt YOSEMITE, it was BLUE JOHNS canyon in Utah. Its a slot canyon, its off the tourist track so most people dont know about it.

        Finding the entrance off the main road is a bit like finding the bat cave from the old tv series.
  • pandaaa, on 07/21/2008, -9/+2This writer is just outrageous, I would let him spend the night. Or sleep with my wife.
  • JointVenture, on 07/21/2008, -14/+8Ive hiked/climbed through Blue Johns canyon, the one where the guy hacked his arm off.

    The guys an idiot for going through it alone.

    Its not BRAVE, its stupid.
    • JointVenture, on 07/21/2008, -4/+4Wow, it seems like a lot of ***** who have NOT descended into the Blue Johns slot think I am wrong for saying that the guy was a ***** moron for going in alone and NOT telling ANYONE where he was going.

      Anyone whos actually been there will tell you the same thing, he's a ***** egotistical moron.

      Stupid *****.
  • rob2oo4, on 07/21/2008, -1/+59Dude floating on raft kicked every cast member of LOST in the balls 590 times
    • KMartSheriff, on 07/22/2008, -1/+2Because 591 would be too many...
    • ramunenke, on 07/22/2008, -0/+3because after 570, the already diminished nuts of the cast members were pretty hard to see.
    • MeatPlow, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1Because anything less would be uncivilized.
  • RockMuncher, on 07/21/2008, -0/+170My neighbour was a smoke-jumper (a firefighter that specializes in parachuting into deep wilderness to fight wildfires.. a more manly job I cannot think of) and on a practice jump in the Rockies his chute and backup didn't open. He fell 10,000 feet into a lot of pine trees, collapsed a lung, broke his arms and legs, and had to cut himself free. A year later he was decided to give up jumping, and go into something less stressful.. scuba rescue and recovery in fast moving river bodies.

    He looks like Bill Gates too.
    • fas2, on 07/21/2008, -1/+10Well that is hard to believe, isn't it?
      • RockMuncher, on 07/21/2008, -1/+9The only reason he lived were the very tall pine trees that broke his fall (and limbs).
    • Ymeg, on 07/21/2008, -2/+120A more manly job? Easy.

      A smoke-jumper that also fights parachuting bears.
      • dpantages, on 07/21/2008, -1/+33well played sir well played....
      • freqk, on 07/22/2008, -0/+2Yes, yes. But what weapons are the bears using?
      • CAisBacK, on 07/22/2008, -0/+5And takes seven bullets from the bear, falls into a coal mine stays there for a week then cuts his arm just to be captured by dick Nazis who send them in a raft for months.....
    • fuzzybeard, on 07/21/2008, -0/+7It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for, isn't it?
      • paidhima, on 07/22/2008, -0/+2I bet you anything that while you're watching a quiet one, a noisy one will ***** kill you!
      • fuzzybeard, on 07/22/2008, -0/+2Yeah, but at least you'll hear them coming. Which would make your blood run cold:

        1) Some nitwit that's out to get you making so much noise that Helen Keller could hear them coming, or...

        2) Knowing someone's out to get you and the only clue you have that they've found you is is the TCHK-CLACK from their shotgun chambering a round?
  • Testies, on 07/21/2008, -13/+2Dont ***** with Serbs.
    Serbia FTW



  • Seph7, on 07/21/2008, -1/+6anyone else think of Arnold Rimmer from Red Dwarf when they saw the title
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifaw07fuU00
  • Jauladeoro, on 08/27/2008, -11/+3Dugg, but I'm sorely disappointed not to see Jackie Chan. That dude has broken almost every bone in his body and done things nobody else would survive.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X70OPsVnSm4
    • nj10ii, on 07/21/2008, -0/+8He's a stuntman, getting paid to take it, evaluating all the angles before attempting. What he goes through, while I'm sure hurts just as much even when its paid for, is what he gets.
      These were relatively normal day-to-day people who kicked ass without being able to stop the cameras or retry if it didn't quite work out the first time round...
      But Jackie Chan does do kick ass stunts that's for sure.
  • BaudiIROCZ, on 07/21/2008, -8/+1Zombie Jesus?
  • MusicMagi, on 07/21/2008, -3/+15The Alexis Goggins story is amazing. Brings a tear to my eye that a daughter can care so much for her mother. This guy is a piece of crap. I hope he gets his ass kicked daily in prison for the rest of his life.
    • fuzzybeard, on 07/21/2008, -0/+11He probably will for the following reasons:

      1) Shooting a child at point-blank range.
      2) Not getting the job done.
      3) The child is a girl.

      Oh yeah, he's gonna have a GOOD time in GP; if he even gets that far.
    • utahnkid, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1Oh his ass will get plenty of attention..

      Doubt much of it will be the kicking kind.
  • mrtrevin, on 07/21/2008, -2/+23Where's Keith Richards??
  • Arcueid01, on 07/21/2008, -2/+30And while we would like to cling to our original theory that she's actually an immortal Highlander, the truth is this seven-year-old girl is simply more man than we'll ever be.

    The little girl at the end is so sweet. This sentence is so true. She jumped in front of some low-life firing a gun at her mom and begged him to stop taking ***** 6 bullets and living. hahahhahahha More man than we'll ever be. So true.
  • supertater, on 07/21/2008, -4/+3Keith Richards didn't just cheat death, he's made it his bitch.
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