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15 Things No Man Wants To Hear... From A Woman

observer.guardian.co.uk — 15 things no man wants to hear... from a woman.

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  • theysayjump, on 10/11/2007, -2/+19516.) When asked "What's wrong?"

    "Nothing"
    • SurrealDream, on 10/11/2007, -1/+1917) "Don't you not think that I couldn't maybe stand to not lose more weight?"
    • dantheman363, on 10/11/2007, -4/+1418) "It's not you, it's me."
      19) "I need a break."
      20) "We need to talk."
      And yes, I have heard these all myself.
    • TheBlackNinja, on 10/11/2007, -3/+821) "I just had my period"
      • JCSaint, on 10/11/2007, -0/+822) I'm about to have my period.
        • Adrianne, on 10/11/2007, -0/+32I missed my period.
        • Coven, on 10/11/2007, -0/+6@Adrianne

          we have a winner! that is by far the single, scariest thing a woman could say to a man.
      • craterburnsu, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1@TheBlackNinja

        Wait till you think she might be knocked up, you'll pray to hear about a period.
    • toonworld, on 10/11/2007, -1/+2023) "No go on, go have fun with your friends, I just feel like staying in"
      That one's a trap! don't fall for it like I did!
      • bjkrautk, on 10/11/2007, -1/+924) "I love you...like a brother." (or some variation on the theme)
      • atomsforpeace, on 10/11/2007, -5/+0sorry to kill the streak, but it seems to me that this thread never would have happened without the new comment system...

        relevant comments all grouped together and uninterrupted by random *****. wow.
    • thedragon4453, on 10/11/2007, -0/+0There has never been a bigger trap. Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, but even when I know its a trap, I still do it. :)

      The same rule applies when I talk about buying something for my computer. If she says yes, it doesn't matter to me that she doesn't mean it. I told her if she doesn't mean "yes", perhaps she should try another word, like "no." for example.
  • chrisxkelley, on 10/11/2007, -5/+27A lot of these I would actually rather hear than not... Maybe it's just me.
    • MrClownn, on 10/11/2007, -9/+4You're right, it is just you.
      • Monstradamus, on 10/11/2007, -0/+4nah, you're not the only one.

        numbers 5, 13 and 15, imho, make life a bit more interesting :-P
    • MoVengeance, on 10/11/2007, -1/+12This list/article proves two things about Brits rather than men in general: A) Their humor truly is very dry and B) they're possibly the world's most passionless people. Egads.
    • Gareshra, on 10/11/2007, -0/+9Half of these don't bother me at all.
    • harusp3x, on 10/11/2007, -1/+0It's not you, it's me.
    • AngelBunny, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1thank god, because i say every other thing in this list and it doesn't seem to bother anyone.. i hope
  • hgb5150, on 10/11/2007, -3/+143At the top of the list there should be:

    "I have [insert STD here]."
    "I think I'm pregnant."
    • zyl0x, on 10/11/2007, -2/+6I support the STD one. It's especially bad to hear that when she didn't have one BEFORE you started dating.

      All kidding aside though, many men are looking forward to hearing that their wife is pregnant. Don't lump us all in with those nympho, college football scholorship, retards.
      • knicks555, on 10/11/2007, -7/+0nah what's with people being scared of STD's they have cures for most of em anyway and I know you're gonna say what about herpes? Come on herpes isn't scary it's itchy.....or so I hear....anyway the absolute worst would be in the same vein but ....."I think you should get tested for HIV." that's not comedy that's too real, it's not even worth having sex you're just done game over man game over (disclaimer just differentiating between sexually transmitted DISEASES and the VIRUS)
    • Jagdwulfe, on 10/11/2007, -0/+7I thought pregnancy was a STD?
    • Hetman, on 10/11/2007, -0/+2@ zyl0x I disagree. I mean I want to have kids one day but not right now. That doesnt make me a bad person I am just not finaincially capable of raising a kid. And your making it sound like every guy who doesnt want a kid is some nympho college football scholorship retard. I will agree ima nympho but im pretty dorky and semi intellegent not retarded though
  • pintomp3, on 10/11/2007, -2/+186"i was born a man"
    • CeeJayDK, on 10/11/2007, -0/+19Bummer .. On the upside - Now you have another thing in common.
    • Subvexer, on 10/11/2007, -2/+2"Luke, I'm your father."
  • laterallateral, on 10/11/2007, -12/+3how about" "Don't you LOOOOOVE Lasha Apsos?."
    Guh.. I'll never get used to that one.
    • CarolynMittens, on 10/11/2007, -1/+4what do you have against lhasa apsos? they are adorable :)
    • YourTechSupport, on 10/11/2007, -0/+3Yes. They are cute. But usually more high maint. than the woman.
      I know cause I rescued one from living in a backyard after a year.
      Cute, smart, but about as dependant as a kid.
    • Jagdwulfe, on 10/11/2007, -3/+2Ugh, only thing worse is when your girlfriend loves cats. One of the rules I plan on having when I get done here in Iraq and get a house is NO CATS and NO LITTLE DOGS. If it ain't an Akita, German Shepherd or Malamute I don't want it loafing around my home. :)
  • inajeep, on 10/11/2007, -6/+50Only 15?
    • Jagdwulfe, on 10/11/2007, -0/+7LOL when I read this I was thinking you meant the girl saying she is only 15. Too many flashbacks from the Goth Club. *shudders*
  • bbrosemer, on 10/11/2007, -8/+54What about:
    I't too tired for sex tonight... Maybe tomorrow...
    • Jwoey, on 10/11/2007, -0/+2Man they emphasize that maybe.
    • mancat, on 10/11/2007, -1/+2That's stupid. Sometimes I'm too tired for sex, and if I give her ***** about playing that card, then I can't use it either. Don't take that option away from yourself!
    • bbrosemer, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1O come on if your too tired... Just relax and enjoy, you can always pass out right after.
  • thewump, on 10/11/2007, -3/+7916. "What do you mean you didn't know I was a hooker?"
    • apexified, on 10/11/2007, -0/+2Let me know when you're done re-writing the list. ;)
  • DaveV, on 10/11/2007, -18/+1117. "I'm fine" especially when she obviously isn't.
    • zatrix, on 10/11/2007, -1/+9rtfa, Fine is #8
    • Jowitz, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1That's not what the article meant I don't think. It seems like the article was talking about the use of "fine" as a terse response to a request. Pardon my poor example, but:
      "Do you want to go to the movies?"
      "Fine."
  • Digitalfilm43, on 10/11/2007, -10/+4"Here comes Granny!"
  • macweirdo42, on 10/11/2007, -7/+70What? Men like skinny women? According to who?
    • DaveV, on 10/11/2007, -1/+47I was about to ask the same thing. Either extreme is not attractive. Personally, I like women who weigh about 10 lbs more than they want to weigh.
    • sicapitan, on 10/11/2007, -16/+1DaveV reads womans weekly
    • Tsen, on 10/11/2007, -0/+9Agreed. If they push it too far they start damaging their figure, which is definitely NOT what guys like.
    • xniL, on 10/11/2007, -0/+12yeah honestly I figured there was a reason why they call them LOVE handles
    • z0iid, on 10/11/2007, -4/+3no sharp knees for me.... proportionate is all I ask. And if I tell you I like you just the way you are - I mean it. Don't go out and lose 20 pounds and expect me to compliment you! You'll only piss me off, because then you are telling me you don't care about my feeling, my thoughts, and you don't listen to me.
    • mesmeriffic, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1I go to to Hometown Buffet and whale watch. Then I spear one and show her ALL of my bookmarks.
  • ladyarcher85, on 10/11/2007, -2/+8Oh gawd! I'm guilty of number one!
  • spankys, on 10/11/2007, -6/+1I would say the #1 answer should be: ALIMONY
    • z0iid, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1do you mean.... "spousal maintenance"?

      i'm stuck w/ $700/mo for 30 months.
      • spankys, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1Yes...I am talking about 'Vaginamony'!!
  • andre75, on 10/11/2007, -7/+2I don't mind any of those, as long as it keeps me from having to say too much. I can tune out most of it anyways and contemplate something important, nodding at the right place (whenever there is silence).
  • rnwen2750, on 10/11/2007, -1/+39If you don't want to hear these things and your partner likes to talk about them, you're probably not a good match.
    • vlsi0n, on 10/11/2007, -0/+6Agreed
    • Ramble, on 10/11/2007, -3/+2Are you crazy? Every woman likes to do those things.
    • titlesaysitall, on 10/11/2007, -0/+5But, but I found her on the Internet! The Internet is always right!
    • maclaxguy, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1Or, oh *****, we could just take it for the humor it is
  • atlacatl, on 10/11/2007, -4/+17Incomplete. What about "NO."
    • Jwoey, on 10/11/2007, -0/+5Oh come on. "Do you mind if I invite Jennifer and Leslie to our bedroom?"
      "no"
      Awesome.
      • atlacatl, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1Well...There is always that exception to the rule...But guessing that you are married, I would venture to say that you hear "NO" in a more realistic kind of way...For example: "No...I have a headache." Or "No. I'm not in the mood." Or just plain "No." :)
  • SpaceMonkeyZero, on 10/11/2007, -7/+8That'll be $500 or I call the cops.
    • Jwoey, on 10/11/2007, -1/+14You don't really get how prostituion works, huh?
  • ate50eggs, on 10/11/2007, -2/+100Is it in yet?
  • Mudcrutch, on 10/11/2007, -14/+311 Any stories about ex-boyfriends, even ones told against the poor blokes. If your ex was a violent, brainless, tattooed ex-con, this will only make us feel boring and unmanly. And scared.

    2 The phrase 'I'd say it's bang-on average, if not slightly bigger'. Best to steer clear of the size issue. Like us talking about your weight, it can only lead to misunderstanding and hurt.

    3 Obsessive accounts of your diet and exercise regime. Men like skinny women, true. But they dislike being exposed to the borderline eating disorders and pathological obsessiveness that produce them. And curvy and sane always beats mad and thin. Eventually.

    4 The accusing phrase, 'What's wrong with the blue dress, then?' after we have said we like the red one.

    5 Any details of your day at work. Although men can find the most basic things endlessly fascinating - the number of buttons on their shirts, farting - they will suddenly develop ADD when it comes to your professional life. Unless you are a porn actress. No, actually, even then...

    6 Any information about things you thought about buying. We are perfectly happy to admire actual purchases, but yearning for those phantom shoes/dress/bag exasperates us.

    7 Stories about other men patronising you. This will give us an irresistible urge to ruffle your hair and say in a kids-TV voice, 'Awww, did dey? Did dey do dat to oo?' I know, sometimes we're asking for trouble.

    8 The word 'Fine' as a stand-alone sentence. The scariest syllable in the female vocabulary.

    9 The sound of weeping. It destroys us.

    10 Any details of strife you may be having with your female friends. The endless round of hurt and rapprochement that constitutes girls' friendships mystifies us. If she's that much trouble just delete her from your bloody mobile.

    11 The phrase, 'Hang on, I'll just reply to this text before we order'. We want first claim on your attention, woman.

    12 The phrase, 'Can you turn over, you're snoring'. Great, that's both of us awake.

    13 The words 'Am I special? Am I?' Especially if you are drawing a circle around our nipple with your finger at the time.

    14 Anyone else's name, in your sleep.

    15 Your dreams. Unless we're in them. And in a good light, too. If not, save 'em for the shrink.
    • rodii, on 10/11/2007, -4/+2>4 The accusing phrase, 'What's wrong with the blue dress, then?' after we have said we like the red one.

      "It has Bill Clinton's semen on it."
    • cyberoidx, on 10/11/2007, -1/+1You know Mudcrutch, there's not much chance that a site like the guardian.co.uk is going to get DOS'ed by us, atleast not so easily.
  • Slovenian6474, on 10/11/2007, -18/+1"... I have penises.....2 of them"
  • Slovenian6474, on 10/11/2007, -17/+1"... I have penises.....2 of them"
    • Slovenian6474, on 10/11/2007, -1/+17***** this comment system...
      • rstarr, on 10/11/2007, -1/+4I can get behind that...
      • rstarr, on 10/11/2007, -1/+5Actually, thank God for this comment system, otherwise I would have said "I could get behind that" to you original comment.
  • merdiesel, on 10/11/2007, -6/+26"I'm on my period."
    • LonesomeFighter, on 10/11/2007, -1/+6so, when the river runs red, take the dirt road.
    • wheel, on 10/11/2007, -0/+2I 'd rather hear that phrase than "I'm late."
    • kazalite, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1Laugh @ Lonesome
  • sloopjeff, on 10/11/2007, -6/+0bwahahaha
  • dudefather, on 10/11/2007, -3/+46its like getting a chain email from 1998!

    wimmins like to talk about relationships AMIRITE?
  • TheTap, on 10/11/2007, -4/+30Ding-Dong - "Uh-Oh, that may be my husband"
    • Ohmfg, on 10/11/2007, -0/+8Why would the husband be ringing the doorbell? No key?
  • fugeelama, on 10/11/2007, -0/+26"8. The word 'Fine' as a stand-alone sentence. The scariest syllable in the female vocabulary."

    God does that one freak me out every time.
  • ericatha, on 10/11/2007, -0/+44what about "I've been thinking"...
    I get knots in my stomach upon hearing that...
  • SomaSynth, on 10/11/2007, -2/+129"I fixed your computer"
  • troyallen069, on 10/11/2007, -13/+1Macs suck
  • redneckblues, on 10/11/2007, -0/+27Let's just be friends... GAH!
    • ChromaVita, on 10/11/2007, -1/+2That is a sentence that can go from horrible to amazing with just 2 little words... "with benefits"
  • fantasmacanino, on 10/11/2007, -2/+25"I missed my period". 'Noff said.
    • Ramble, on 10/11/2007, -2/+1I cannot agree more.
    • Jagdwulfe, on 10/11/2007, -4/+1RUN FOREST RUN!
    • EarlOfLade, on 10/11/2007, -1/+4What the heck is wrong with protection?
      I would not ***** a girl unless I knew she had a recent negative HIV and STD test in general and she had been using the pill for at least 2 months.
      Those words are your own fault, my man.
      • Jagdwulfe, on 10/11/2007, -0/+6Birth control is not 100%. My son was concieved with a condom.
        • EarlOfLade, on 10/11/2007, -1/+1You have no idea how many times I've heard that excuse.
          • Jagdwulfe, on 10/11/2007, -0/+2I am not saying not to use protection. Just saying don't count on it to prevent her from becoming pregnoid.
    • Avolin, on 10/11/2007, -0/+0Because all of us just love missing periods...
  • vlsi0n, on 10/11/2007, -9/+27This list should be annoying to everyone.. way to keep stereotypes well rooted.
    • TheTap, on 10/11/2007, -6/+4Not annoying.
      That's because at the root of all stereotypes, is a measure of truth.
    • juicelyn, on 10/11/2007, -4/+1@TheTap

      No, you're just ignorant.
  • TherealObadiah, on 10/11/2007, -12/+5"I'm a feminist."
  • samdu, on 10/11/2007, -1/+37List am fail. #1 should be "We need to talk."
  • floppyparty, on 10/11/2007, -21/+18Let's change the title to:

    15 Things No Heartless ***** Wants To Hear... From A Woman
    • bovester, on 10/11/2007, -7/+3***** off
    • wonboodoo, on 10/11/2007, -0/+3Wait a second, we have members of that aren't heartless assholes? Who let them in?
    • Jagdwulfe, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1You know why divorce costs so much? BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT!....Papa Titus
  • funkmachine, on 10/11/2007, -12/+3"Your ***** is tiny".
  • bovester, on 10/11/2007, -0/+6918. And this end goes in you!
  • xxenclavexx, on 10/11/2007, -9/+3"Are you in yet?"
  • krunchy, on 10/11/2007, -6/+15two things i don't want to hear:
    "No Mike, I will not have sex with you"
    "NO MIKE NO MEANS NO"
    • FearlessFreep, on 10/11/2007, -0/+20Especially if your name's not Mike
      • pault107, on 10/11/2007, -2/+1You'd get ten diggs if it was possible.
    • satx, on 10/11/2007, -3/+2I enjoy hearing those things. More of a challenge.
      • shableep, on 10/11/2007, -1/+2what? what?? what the *****?! who are you, Jack the Ripper??
  • Sedaak, on 10/11/2007, -8/+10this is retarded, i cant believe people read this lest we forget that in mature relationships there should not be boundaries... boundaries reinforce our insecurities
  • krisscofield, on 10/11/2007, -7/+16Oh. So, according to this--women are supposed to remain quiet, 1 dimensional, unnopinionated, and completely forget about their past and how it's relevant to who they are now?
    • MrKC, on 10/11/2007, -5/+12Yes.
    • TherealObadiah, on 10/11/2007, -4/+9Well, remaining quiet would be nice.
    • bjs3171, on 10/11/2007, -2/+0don't worry this list was retarded. i for one like a girl who talks. it means i can do it less.

      although the past boyfriend comments i can live without.
    • ericatha, on 10/11/2007, -1/+6and make me a sandwich.
    • 2Deluxe, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1May I point you in the direction of...

      "Lifetime - Television for idiots"
  • choopie911, on 10/11/2007, -7/+21This article really came across as if it were written by a very lonely loser of a man. It's stereotypical, wrong, and pseudo insulting.
    • nicnic77, on 10/11/2007, -5/+4I think it was meant as a bit of fun...

      You come across as a very serious man with no sense of humour. But then someone else may correct me.
    • Toupee, on 10/11/2007, -1/+1It's also kind of true.
  • BAMMBANG, on 10/11/2007, -3/+2no farts please?
  • cresswga, on 10/11/2007, -4/+9Her: "I'm late"

    Me: "Oh *****"
  • The_Dude, on 10/11/2007, -5/+100How about what we DO want to hear?

    1. It's huge!
    2. I don't care about money.
    3. I love sports.
    4. You're 60th level fighter gets me wet.
    5. I'm a virgin
    6. All my previous boyfriends turned out to be gay.
    7. What can I cook for you?
    8. I don't like jewelry.
    9. Is the house clean enough, let me tidy up.
    10. My goal is to scuplt a porn body for you.



    • subliminalurge, on 10/11/2007, -11/+2My current girlfriend has 1,2,7,8, and 9 down pat. Still have a little training to do on the rest....
      • z0iid, on 10/11/2007, -1/+2I bet she had #5 down before she met you, which invalidates #1. She fits #8, because you have poor taste in jewelry. And if she has to do #9, you're a ***** slob. And to "The Dude - #4 - WoW is for losers, and "You are 60th level fighter gets me wet" doesn't make any sense. But "Your Retarded" does.
    • kjizzle, on 10/11/2007, -0/+18and .."I don't like talking..what's on tv?"
    • Jwoey, on 10/11/2007, -1/+40I love your list, but i'd replace #2 with, "Don't worry about money, I have lots"
    • The_Dude, on 10/11/2007, -1/+7Well played Jwoey.
    • damnyooneek, on 10/11/2007, -1/+3with the exception of #4 i agree
    • wonboodoo, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1> 6. All my previous boyfriends turned out to be gay.
      huh?
      • Jwoey, on 10/11/2007, -0/+4As in, you don't ever have to worry about them winning me back.
      • KevyKev, on 10/11/2007, -1/+25."I'm a virgin" is the result of 6. "All my previous boyfriends turned out to be gay."
    • Gee1004, on 10/11/2007, -1/+23I'm bi, lets have a threesome!
    • mppeters, on 10/11/2007, -3/+7Can I add to #1, "It's huge! Can I give you head now please? How about every day?"
    • dracostimpy, on 10/11/2007, -2/+10There's really only 1 line I ever want to hear from a woman:

      "Do you want that BJ before or after I finish cooking your dinner?"

      P.S. Hey ladies - I'm single at the moment... better act fast!
    • jstem1994, on 10/11/2007, -1/+7My girlfriend just used her Victoria Secrets gift card. Would you like her to come over and show us?
    • LonesomeFighter, on 10/11/2007, -1/+2If all the previous boyfriends were gay, what does that say about you?
    • sephiroth4, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1Now she's got a nice money makah! Here's $60!
  • sedawk, on 10/11/2007, -14/+30WOW -- That list was awful. Stereo-typed and not at all humorous. Should be retitled "15 Things No Insecure Jerk Wants to Hear From a Woman".

  • TexMachina, on 10/11/2007, -5/+2"5. Any details of your day at work.
    ...
    Unless you are a porn actress. No, actually, even then..."

    That's true. How horrific would it be to find out what DVDA is from your girlfriend while describing her day at work?
    • wonboodoo, on 10/11/2007, -1/+2Depends whether or not it was lesbo-scene day ;-)
  • krebcycle, on 10/11/2007, -12/+3dig down
  • cuoops, on 10/11/2007, -0/+116.You woke me up for that?
  • Pixelante, on 10/11/2007, -1/+0Skinny woman? What man likes them skinny? Women ought to be curvaceous and voluptous, the way God intelligently designed them. Yes, women didn't evolve, I can buy that. They were carefully designed.

    Stories about ex-lovers? Depends. I'm all for hearing about that lesbian relationship she had in high school or how she had a threesome with two hot blondes in college. Yes, I want to hear this. And how her private female French teacher used to tie her up and spank her. Or when the au-pair girl who lived with her family went down on her while she was having breakfast.
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