How Can I Convince My Boss To Not Track My iPhone, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
How Can I Convince My Colleagues Not To Show Up To A Costume Party In Blackface?
We are planning for a costume party at my workplace.
We all decided to dress up as people from an iconic TV show. However, two of my co-workers, who are light skinned, are going over the top to change their skin tone to match the darker-toned cast members.
I personally do not feel comfortable with this and I think it is not only insulting, but very unprofessional.
I'm not sure how to get that across without being rude and my attempts at reconsideration have fallen on deaf ears — it is clearly innocent and meant as a joke in their minds.
I personally do not see it as a joke, and I don't want to be involved in a group photo with two people doing something I don't agree with. What can I do?
Amy Dickinson agrees that darkening one's skin tone for a costume is "demeaning and racist" and urges the letter writer to tell their colleagues that. "Do not, under any circumstances, appear in a photo with these 'jokers,'" she adds. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Husband, Who Is Also My Boss, To Pay Me Regularly For My Work?
My husband started a successful business 22 years ago. I joined his staff as a full-time employee 13 years ago. I have an advanced degree in a field that is relevant to the business. The problem: He won't give me a paycheck! He simply puts random amounts of money into our checking accounts at random times. He says, "You are paid $x a year." But I never know if I can afford to buy a new lamp because I don't see any accounts. He brushes off the subject when I raise it with him. How can I convince my husband that his behavior is paternalistic and demeaning?
Philip Galanes advises the letter writer either to quit or to have a serious conversation with him about how regular paychecks are non-negotiable. "There are a million things that could make working for a spouse difficult, but compensation should not be one of them," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Tell My Boss I Don't Want Her To Track My Location Via My iPhone?
I've decided to hunker down in my current toxic job for now. My boss is old enough to be my mother, which I mention because she likes to "mother" the younger people of our team… I travel quite a bit for work, sometimes with my boss and most times without. I'm the only person on my team that travels the most. My boss asked me if I could turn on Find My Friends (we both have iPhones) and share my location with her when I travel so she can "know I'm safe and where I'm at" while I travel. I feel uncomfortable with this because I don't even do that with my own parents, unless I go overseas…
My boss knows my travel schedule but it seems like this is ... too much. I pushed back and said I wasn't comfortable with that, and she said I could turn it off on the weekends if I'm at home. I don't want her seeing where I am in my off hours while traveling, and I generally find it uncomfortable with her tracking me! I don't have any reason to believe that she's worried I'm not working because I've had positive performance reviews, but rather I think she sees herself as a parent figure. She also is very insistent about meeting my partner (whom I dated for three years before working here) to "approve of him" so I find that her boundaries are not really there. How can I push back on this?
Alison Green corroborates the letter writer's sense that this is too much. "If she's only asked once, I'd ignore it and hope she won't bring it up again," she writes. "But if she does, just say, 'I'm just not comfortable doing that' and then swiftly change the subject." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Convince My Mom That Owning A Lifelike Sex Doll Doesn't Mean I'm A Misogynist?
I have entered into a period of my life where I am devoting all my mental resources toward my academics — grad school — and am not interested in dating. Thus, I bought a Real Doll so that I may enjoy fantastic masturbation during this loveless period. Unfortunately, while my parents were visiting, my mom discovered it and she reacted very, very badly. You see, my dear mother is a feminist and she is very upset by the doll and believes that it is an indication that I have lost all respect for women. I do not feel this is true. I view myself as a feminist, and I realize this society sexually objectifies women. But I also believe that I can masturbate with a rubber woman and have wild fantasies and then come back to reality and respect everyone — men, women, others. My mother, however, is extremely upset, and we haven't been able to have a civil conversation since. I am hoping you can possibly give me some perspective.
"My perspective: Your masturbatory routines — including your masturbatory aids/aides — are none of your mother's fucking business," replies Dan Savage. However, he then allows that many men who purchase lifelike sex dolls do, in fact, have issues with women. Read the rest of his answer.
Am I A Jerk For Making People Take A Quiz Before I Let Them Come Watch 'Rick And Morty' In My Dorm Room?
I am hosting a Rick and Morty screening party in my dorm room next week. I am one of the only people in the dorm with a good TV so a lot of people want to come but the room can't accommodate everyone.
I didn't want to just pick and choose my best friends (it's only November and we are freshmen so I don't have a close group yet) so I figured I would send invites based on who likes Rick and Morty the most.
I put together three quizzes. One for guys (hard- because I know more males are interested in attending and I want it to be harder for them to gain entry just because of the gender ratio) one for girls (intermediate, to increase the number of girls) and one for girls I find attractive (easy, because I'm hoping this party could open me up to potential cute girls to hook up with or date.)
Shockingly, only a couple people have filled out the quiz and their write-in responses are too inappropriate for me to write here. NONE of the girls filled it out. Now nobody wants to go. So I sent out a group message saying that if nobody is willing to fill out the quiz I am more than happy to have this party just myself and my roommate. Someone responded "good, asshole, nobody wants to come."
To be clear, everyone wanted to come prior to the sending of the quizzes AND... it's a free party. I'm allowed to bar entry however I want... right? I mean nobody is entitled to my TV.
The judges on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit almost unanimously agree that the letter writer is the asshole. "Gatekeeping the event through a quiz is weird and would make almost anyone not want to go," writes one of the kinder commenters. "It's arrogant as it implies your event is so great people have to prove they are worthy of attending." Read the rest of their answers.
Should I Tell My Children How Turned On I Am By Their Father's Smell?
How common is amazing, long-lasting chemistry? I mean the kind where you smell his T-shirt and lose your mind. I know the standard answer is that it's infatuation, wears off in a couple of months, etc. But my husband and I have this, and it's been 30 years. Seriously, I bury my face in his chest, get a good whiff, and it's ON. And he swears that I never ever smell bad, I just smell more like me, which is hilarious, but I can confirm that his dick agrees.
And now our kids are adults, we're having serious conversations about long-term relationships, and I wonder: Should I tell them to hold out for this kind of chemistry? That seems unrealistic. But I'm sad for people who don't have this. What should I say to them?
[Slate]
Stoya encourages the letter writer to approach this conversation carefully and not to overstate the importance of smell in a healthy relationship. "[T]ell them, in the abstract, that you knew your partner was special based on [whatever qualities in addition to their scent], and encourage them to hold out for something special, whatever form that takes," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.