Should I Tell My Daughter I'm Disappointed She Slept With My Brother, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Tell My Daughter I'm Disappointed She Slept With My Estranged Brother?
My brother and I have not spoken to each other or had any contact for nearly 30 years. A few months ago, my oldest daughter sought him out in the hopes of arranging a reconciliation ahead of my birthday. He rejected that idea but invited her to dinner, and they ended up having an intimate relationship, which lasted for several weeks. They're both adults, but I'm sickened by the fact that they're so closely related, disappointed in my daughter's choices, concerned that my brother was most likely motivated by a desire to hurt me (there's history), and at a loss as to how to react. I have no intention of engaging with my brother, but I'm uncertain as to how or even whether to communicate these feelings to my daughter. What do I say? Should I say anything?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg gives the letter writer permission to vocalize their distress to their daughter. "You have every reason in the world to tell her you're confused and hurt by the fact that she dated your estranged brother and that you need space in order to deal with this upsetting revelation," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Is It 'Natural' For A Father To Sleep In The Same Bed As His 18-Year-Old Daughter?
I am dating a 44-year-old man who has an 18-year-old daughter. Much to my dismay, she routinely sleeps with him in his bed, even though she has her own room. (My boyfriend and I do not live together.)
I have asked him to stop this, but he maintains that there is nothing wrong and it is "natural."
Moreover, she is the constant topic of our conversations, even when it doesn't relate to her.
For example, if we talk about our favorite food(s), he immediately starts talking about her favorite food. It's like this with everything: movies, sports, restaurants, anything. Do you think this is OK?
I really don't like the idea of her sleeping in his bed. Sometimes she is asleep in his bed when he gets home from work, and when that happens, he'll just get into bed with her. It feels icky. Am I wrong?
Amy Dickinson agrees that this situation is icky. "I hope his daughter is OK," she writes. "In my view, this abnormally close relationship is setting her up for problems in her own life." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Tell My Friend, For A Second Time, That I Think Her Husband Is Gay?
Many think my best friend "Sara" has it all: four adorable children, a successful husband ("Jim"), and a beautiful home. Jim is an absolute dear, but here's the thing. I think he's gay.
Recently, I sat down with Sara and shared my hunch. True to form, she listened attentively and thanked me for my concern. But since then, Sara has not mentioned our conversation about her husband's sexuality. I am concerned she is in denial. How should I gently revisit the topic?
Carolyn Hax forbids the letter writer from ever revisiting this topic. "And if there were such a thing as boundary school, I'd sentence you to it," she writes. "Because, oh my wow. This is so not your business." Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Normal That I Sometimes Can't Talk And Have Panic Attacks After Orgasming?
I have a fantastic sex life overall. That said, I have a problem. Sometimes, when I have an intense orgasm, I have what I can only describe as a brain disconnect after. There have been a couple times when I cannot talk. I will try, but all that comes out is gibberish. I have also had panic attacks. It doesn't happen every time I have an intense orgasm, but when it does it's pretty scary. Is this a normal reaction to intense orgasms, or is it something I should be worrying about?
[Slate]
Rich Juzwiak rules that these post-orgasmic symptoms are not common. He consults a gynecologist who recommends "that this person discuss these symptoms with their doctor and maybe a neurologist, in order to rule out a potentially dangerous underlying medical condition." Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Forgive My Boss For Calling Me Into Work Three Days After I Gave Birth?
I have worked at a smallish company (about 100 employees) for six years. Only one other employee has ever taken maternity leave there. Earlier this year, I was thrilled to find I was expecting. I was working on a list of transition items when I unexpectedly went into labor eight weeks early and delivered my son, who ended up spending the first six weeks of his life in the NICU.
Three days after his birth, while I was still in the hospital, my supervisor called, wanting to discuss work-related issues. When I did not immediately pick up, she called my husband. She told me I needed to come into the office the next day at 8 a.m. to sort my work in progress. Against my better judgment, I did. She arrived two hours late and was upset that we didn't have more time to meet. Afterward, she emailed me a list of tasks to accomplish by the end of the week. I did most of them, but then told her I was on maternity leave and stopped checking my email. I think our firm's leadership told her to back off.
Now that I am back at work, I am struggling to forget how she treated me. Any advice?
Karla Miller agrees that the boss's request was unreasonable. "Now that you're back at work — I hope after a long, peaceful period of recovery and bonding with your little gate-crasher — you may want to informally discuss your experience with HR, for your sake and other prospective parents'," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Was It Reasonable For Me To Give My Coworkers The Silent Treatment Because They Think I Smell?
I've worked for a county department for nearly 20 years. When I interviewed, the woman who was a supervisor at the front desk told me I smelled. I was hired despite that. In my 15th year at work, I was transferred to the front desk, and that supervisor became my supervisor. We've had two skirmishes so far about that same issue…
The first skirmish was when I stopped speaking to my co-workers. I did so because they were on her side. I was written up, so I spoke to the supervisor's boss, who laughed at me. A week later, she asked us to see a therapist, which neither of us did.
The second skirmish came when I had enough of her talking about me smelling. She also talked about me publicly in front of the residents who were waiting in line to be helped. I stopped working and left.
The next day, I put in for and took a week's vacation. When I returned, her boss met with both of us. I told her what the woman was saying about me, and again, she scheduled us to meet with the therapist. I went this time, but the other woman refused. Now the crew isn't speaking to me because I reported my supervisor for promoting a toxic workplace and demeaning me in front of co-workers and the public. I want to find another job after I retire.
[Creators]
Lindsey Novak deems the supervisor and the supervisor's boss unprofessional and irresponsible. "The problem likely escalated because no one addressed the body odor with you in a kind and informative way," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.