Should I Talk To My Son About His Pokémon Fetish, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Discourage My Son's Sexual Attraction To Pokémon?
I am a liberal parent. I raised a daughter who is bi and poly. I always thought that I could accept anything that parenthood might throw at me. I knew that I could embrace my son if he were straight, gay, bi, trans, etc. If there is a controlling consciousness of the universe, it has a nasty sense of humor. Putting it bluntly: My son is sexually attracted to Pokémon. He dropped hints that I didn't really pick up on. But over the last few years, I have stumbled across evidence of his browsing habits that left me pretty clear about his proclivities. He is now 17, so thoughts that he would "grow out of it" are fading. My biggest fear is that he won't find someone to pair with. I love my children and want them to be happy. Should I address this with him? Try to discourage an orientation that, to me, seems kind of pathetic?
Dan Savage explains that people "sexually imprint" on all kinds of weird things during adolescence, and there's no known way to turn a kinky teen into a non-kinky teen. "[S]ince being shamed by his dad won't save a kid from his 'pathetic' orientation, shaming your son is a waste of time that will serve only to damage your relationship with him," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Do I Have To Accept My 31-Year-Old Daughter's New 17-Year-Old Boyfriend?
I'm the mom of a 31-year-old daughter who recently broke up with her longtime boyfriend so she can be with a 17-year-old kid. I probably wouldn't be upset if she didn't have sons who are 15, 14, 12 and a daughter, 10, who considered the man she broke up with their dad. Her new love is only two years older than her oldest. I am having a hard time accepting this and so are my grandkids.
I haven't talked to my daughter about her choice because I know she's an adult and the bottom line is it isn't really my business. I do worry about how much confusion this causes the kids.
I don't know if I can accept this new "man" in her life. To tell you the truth, I want nothing to do with him. I want to continue seeing my grandchildren, though, which will mean I'll have to deal with this person on some level. How?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren inexplicably encourages the letter writer to accept this inappropriate and probably abusive relationship. "You have a right to express your opinion privately, but when you see him, be cordial and do not make apparent how much you disapprove of the relationship," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Ask My Colleagues Why They Hired My Lazy Neighbor Instead Of My Hard-Working Daughter?
My daughter applied for a job at the university where I'm currently employed, in a department supervised by three very good friends of mine… My neighbor also applied for the job. My neighbor has been out of work for over 11 years and lived off his parents. My daughter has a master's degree, is an alumni of the university, and is currently working. Neither of them have any experience in the field. My neighbor parks cars at an amusement park part-time and my daughter runs a full-time educational program for developmentally disabled adults. My daughter has worked with several friends of mine and all told me she was the best employee they ever had…
They interviewed my neighbor, who said the interview was general and easy, and they hired him within a week. They interviewed my daughter, who said the interview was pointed and in one instance, one of my friends who interviewed her laughed at her when she said she could help him with a particular job he wanted accomplished, and she has not had a call back.
Needless to say, I am angry. I have never involved myself in her employment at this establishment or anywhere else. However, I'm baffled. I see these people every day as we are in the same office, although we do not work in the same division. Is it unprofessional to ask them why they did not hire my hard-working daughter but hired a person who hasn't worked in years and lives off his elderly mother?
Alison Green forbids the letter writer from talking to the hiring managers about their daughter. "[I]t's possible that your daughter interviewed poorly, or that the neighbor had particular qualities that they think will help him excel in the role, or that — as talented as your daughter is — she doesn't have skill X or quality Y that they're looking for," she points out. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Rude For The Guy I'm Dating To Leave To Hook Up With Other Guys While We're Hanging Out?
I'm a gay guy, and the guy I'm dating and I are not exclusive. That is fine for me, and us, and I'm not really jealous at the thought of him with other men. But the other day, we were hanging out at his place and chatting, and I kind of got the sense he wasn't listening—and I looked over, and sure enough, he was on Scruff (gay dating app for people who don't know). I sort of rolled my eyes but let it go; again, it's fine, but he doesn't need to be on the prowl for dick when we're hanging out, you know?
About an hour later the same day, after lots more phone-looking, he said he needed to run an errand and would be back in a few. I knew what was up, but I let it happen, because I was honestly more amused and incredulous at him than anything. He got back and acted like nothing happened; we even had sex that night. But, like, in retrospect: Isn't that a little ridiculous? Do I really have to say, out loud, "No setting and executing dick appointments while I'm sitting next to you?" Does this seem like normal behavior? Maybe I should just invite a Grindr guy over the next time he says he's coming by.
[Slate]
Rich Juzwiak urges the letter writer to talk to his partner about this behavior and to pay attention to whether his partner is generally respectful and engaged in the relationship. "Honesty is the cornerstone of ethical nonmonogamy, and I'm not liking the looks of your foundation," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Can I Bow Out Of Taking My Kids To Playdates Because I Don't Like Being The Only Dad There?
I love my family more than anything, and I am a very modern, liberal dad. My issue is that often my wife will ask that I come along for play dates, birthday parties, etc., and often I am the only dad there. She knows I'm a feminist and plays to that a little, but sometimes I just feel like the odd person out and would rather she just take him.
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg rules that the letter writer has to keep taking his kids to playdates, even when it's boring. "I think it is OK to sometimes feel like the odd person out because the reason you feel odd is that none of the other dads in your social circle are pulling their weight when it comes to their kids' socializing," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
What Should I Say When People Tell Me They Hate My Life's Passion?
When I meet people I do not know, they ask me what I do for a living. Most often, when I reply what subject I teach, they say, "Oh, I always hated that in college."
To which I want to reply, "And I am sure that I would hate what your life's passion is, too. Please tell me what it is." But I know that would just make matters even worse, as it would put them on the spot and make them apologize. Maybe that is what they should do, but not how it should come about.
Could you please give me a reply that tells them what they said was not very nice, but at the same time not make me an enemy for life?
[UExpress]
Miss Manners suggests responding, "'I often hear that from people who are bad at …' whatever it is that you teach." Read the rest of her answer.