How Can I Get My Husband To Stop Biting Our Son, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Get My Husband To Stop Biting Our Son?
My husband won't stop biting our 1-year-old son. He does it out of affection, and while he's never drawn blood (I can't believe I have to say that), he does it hard enough to leave marks. I don't like this. Our son, who is not yet verbal, reacts anywhere from smiling to pushing away to whining. If my husband notices these signals, he doesn't respond to them. Meanwhile, I am trying to teach our son not to bite me, which he is doing with increasing frequency and vigor these days. I feel like all of the biting from his dad is not helping matters.
This is a big deal to me. I don't want our son to be hurt or feel violated, I don't want him to learn that it's an OK thing to bite others, and I don't want him to learn that you can do whatever you want to other people's bodies as long as it feels right to you. I've explained all of this to my husband numerous times and asked him to stop biting our son. He thinks that I'm being hysterical and insists that it's OK because its "genuine" and "how he expresses his love." I've asked him to try expressing his love in nonbiting ways (hugging, kissing, nuzzling, etc.), but he says he doesn't want to stop.
[Slate]
Nicole Cliffe recommends immediate counseling. "You need this to stop, and you have been exceptionally clear, and he is behaving abusively," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Have Told My Son-In-Law I Was Offended By His T-Shirt That Said 'Suits Suck'?
My son-in-law showed up the other day with a T-shirt that said, "Suits suck." This is a grown man. His wife wears a suit when required, as do other members of our family.
It's really not a big deal, as this was just a casual get-together, but still seemed tasteless and maybe even slightly confrontational.
Should I be put off by this, and should I have said something? Where does it fit in the whole manners world?
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the Miss Manners team, for some reason decide to validate the letter writer's sense of grievance. "Etiquette sees no important difference between words printed on your chest and those coming out of your mouth — a point worth making to your daughter, if not directly to your son-in-law," they write. Read the rest of their answer.
How Can I Get Myself To Stop Compulsively Snooping In My Boss's Email?
I have access to my boss's email account so that I can send email on his behalf/search for things in his folders. It's not a privilege that's supposed to be used often.
Unfortunately, I'm a compulsive snooper, and I find myself opening his account a few times a week to read emails. I've learned all sorts of things that I definitely shouldn't know.
I know this is wrong, and I keep telling myself to stop, but I can't hold off for more than a few days. I guess I'm just hoping you can explain for me why this is such a bad idea, because right now there just haven't been consequences. Or maybe you have a tip for how to resist the temptation?
Alison Green reminds the letter writer that this is a huge violation of privacy that could get them fired. "If your boss and one of your coworkers are emailing about, say, performance problems the coworker is having, it's really crappy if you're eavesdropping on that without their knowledge or permission," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Why Did Someone Ask My Boyfriend Whether I Was His Mother?
My boyfriend and I have a joint membership at our local gym. Today the gym owner asked him if I was his mother. It upset me to the point of tears. I don't look any older than he does. We are not the same race. He is fit; I'm not, but we are both in our early 30s.
Why do people ask rude questions when a simple check of paperwork would satisfy their curiosity? I feel I should say something to her like, "Mind your own business." How do I get over this because I still would like to attend her gym?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren agrees that the comment was thoughtless but advises the letter writer to avoid confrontation. "Because you would like to continue patronizing the establishment, refrain from telling her to mind her own business," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Tell My Girlfriend She Needs To Lose 10 To 20 More Pounds To Be Attractive?
I'm dealing with an issue with my partner that I'm not sure how to handle. I'm a 32 year old straight male who has recently come off a long single streak. I'm settling into a new relationship with younger woman which is going swimmingly with one glaring issue. My partner in the past year lost a good deal of weight, to the tune of over 70 lbs. At the moment I'd say she is still 10-20lbs short of a truly attractive and healthy weight. When I got into our relationship I took this as a sign of someone who had decided to turn their life around and get healthy, something I can really respect. As our relationship has progressed however I have realized that she has decided that her current weight is perfect and ideal. This may have something to do with her friends and family who seem to delight in teasing her for being "so small". I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this on several levels…
On a superficial level I just would love to see the woman I love looking as good as possible. More importantly however I have a personal hangup with false body positivity. I don't mind people being overweight however I have a very hard time with people who glorify fat as "curvy" or simply deny the state of their bodies…
I'm aware that this is a personal issue with me, not necessarily her, but it is something that I know I need to deal with in order for us to continue to have a long term relationship. On the flip side however I'm unsure how to have the conversation in a way that doesn't come off as "hey, I think you're fat".
Harris O'Malley urges the letter writer to break up with his girlfriend. "You don't get to take something that clearly brings her pleasure and satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment because it doesn't meet your sense of aesthetics," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Neighbor To Take The Hint That I Don't Want To Run With Him?
I used to run frequently for my morning workout. I enjoyed the relative solitude and getting my heart pumping first thing. I would often see the same runners and at best wave to those I had passed enough times over the years. Months back, one of these regular faces started altering his route and joining up with me if he saw me. He's an avid runner and seemingly knows every a.m. runner in our neighborhood. The first time this happened I thought he'd give a wave and continue on his way — he is much faster than me — but instead he made conversation the whole time despite the fact that I had headphones on. Then it happened with greater regularity as I keep the same route. I tried to learn more about his routine in the hopes of figuring out when I could avoid him, but he changes his route a lot and he doesn't have a set off day. To be clear, he is kind, friendly, and polite during these conversations. He is happily married, and there are no romantic drivers in his behavior. He is just an extroverted runner who considers it more of a group activity than I do. He says hi to everyone and knows most a.m. runners in the area by name—both men and women. While I've never flat-out stated that I do not want to talk to him, I did drop hints. Once he pointed out another woman in our route and said, "She likes running alone." To which I replied, "So do I." But nothing came of it. Eventually the stress about worrying if I'd have to chat during my whole run got to me, and I've all but stopped. I want to get back out there but dread the above scenario repeating itself. How can I politely say I have no interest in chatting—I just want to prepare for the day ahead, listen to my music, and run without interruption?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg encourages the letter writer to be straightforward. "Since you say he's kind and polite during these interactions, I think you have reason to believe directness will work here," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.