How Can I Tell Prospective Hires That Our Office Is Haunted, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Tell Prospective Hires That Our Office Is Probably Haunted?
I work for a small, conservation-based nonprofit with four full-time people, five contract employees, and a summer program of up to 16 young people… The office is a 110-year-old private home that was a rental for decades before being converted into an office. It's cramped, loud, and far from ideal, but the location is perfect for our work. Unfortunately, it also has a reputation in our small town for being haunted.
The haunting tends to become the focus of conversations, including those that are meant to be interviews, donor meetings, and other business-related things… People have asked about it during interviews and indicated that it might make them uncomfortable…
So, what do I say when people ask if it's haunted? Truthfully, it probably is, but A) we have no real proof and B) it's generally not scary. Yes, we hear the occasional noise (thumps, crashes, scraping, etc.) from unoccupied rooms, and sometimes — including during staff meetings where every employee is seated around a table — the lights/fans in the bathroom will go on and off by themselves. The copier has been known to turn itself on when no one was in the room and, once or twice, when I was alone in the office late in the evening, I distinctly heard what sounded like an elderly lady mumbling in Spanish.
The thing is, it doesn't feel malevolent. The only thing that's really scared me was when my unattended phone began blaring heavy metal music (not music stored on my phone or any streaming source I listen to) and would not stop until I turned it off…
Alison Green suggests being matter-of-fact about the unexplained occurrences if people ask whether the building is haunted but otherwise not to engage with the subject. "Most people will take their cues from you, and if you're signaling that it's just not a big conversation topic for you, they'll likely respect that," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Wrong To Engage In A Sex Chat With An Online Stranger I Later Found Out Was 16?
An occasional time-waster of mine is to go into random text-only chat rooms and spin a fantasy for a willing woman. It's fun and creative and everyone has a low-commitment good time (I hope). Recently, someone online asked if I would do a "losing her virginity" scene with her. I said sure, and I took her through a very sweet and consent-filled fantasy where she got to direct the action and feel like a star. At the end of it, she confided in me that she is actually 16 and really a virgin and also, would I want to meet up to do this for real? I of course said that I didn't think this was a great idea but that she would make a great partner for someone someday. (I am well over 16.) But now I'm conflicted and totally gun-shy about going back online. I know, of course, that whoever is on the other side of the chat could be a boy/girl or a nonbinary/furry person of any age or orientation, but this definitely made me uneasy. Did I do a wrong thing? Is there a better way to proceed? Or should I just be happy she had a nice experience in her own home with a faraway guy who hopefully gave her a template for how it could go when she finally finds herself ready to have sex?
[Slate]
Stoya and Rich Juzwiak are not impressed with this letter writer's moral reasoning. "Yes, you did a wrong thing, letter writer," writes Stoya. "The only acceptable way to proceed is to ask someone's age upfront before anything gets sexual." Read the rest of their answer.
Should I Break Up With My Girlfriend Because She Doesn't Think It's Problem That She Gets Upset About Food For Days?
I've been with my girlfriend about a year and even though I love her, some days I consider breaking up with her over her eating habits.
There are so many criteria for what she'll eat and won't eat, and there's no pattern to it, but they all add up to a lot of restrictions. Also, the preparation has to be just right or it "ruins the meal." If a grilled cheese is slightly less or more golden brown than she likes, then it's "awful." And portions have to be exactly equal. She goes so far as to count individual pieces of meat in a stew.
She also gets extreme anxiety about ordering at restaurants. She won't order without first knowing what everyone else at the table is getting. And she'll quiz a waitress forever about what goes into a dish even though she's not allergic to anything. After she orders, she's consumed with anxiety about whether she'll like it or not. And if she doesn't like it, then her whole night is ruined and she makes a big deal about it, moaning about what an awful mistake she made. She stays upset sometimes for days afterward.
I don't really understand where it comes from or how to help her. She doesn't see any problem with her behavior and says she just cares about what she eats and that's why she's in such good health. I'm in good health, too, and I can order a burger without sending the waitress back to the kitchen to find out what kind of sea salt is used. Any suggestions for me?
Carolyn Hax urges the letter writer to take this problem seriously and to break up with their girlfriend if she doesn't also take it seriously. "Since it involves an essential life function and since she treats it as a virtue, you can expect a future of this exact problem daily, forever — if not more of it and spread to other things," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Punish My Daughter's Friend For Not Letting My Mom Hold Her Baby?
I'm in a touchy situation, and I'm not sure what to do. My daughter's getting married soon, and her matron of honor, "Teresa," has caused this. We have known her since she was young. We have taken her many places with us, helped with her bridal shower and with preparations for her wedding.
Teresa had a baby two months ago and brought her to my daughter's bridal shower. When my mom asked to hold the infant, Teresa refused! Now Mom is very upset. This is the same person Teresa used to call "Grandma."
I'm upset about it, too, but Teresa doesn't seem to care. She's afraid of her baby getting "germs." We are not dirty people. It almost feels like since we aren't of use to her anymore, we don't matter. How do we react at the wedding?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren urges the letter writer to let it go. "I do not think her protectiveness was intended to be a personal insult to your family," she writes. "Be polite and warm when the big day arrives." Read the rest of her answer.
Why Hasn't The Guy I Met In A Bar, Who Disgusts Me, Called?
I'm a 28-year-old television news producer in Atlanta, and I met a guy (a creative director at an ad agency) two weeks ago in a bar. We had fantastic chemistry. After dancing half the night, we went back to my place. It all felt so good until he took his shirt off. I ran my hand over his back, and he was covered in large moles! I got seriously turned off, couldn't touch him, couldn't even look at him. I said we were moving "too fast" and asked him to put his shirt back on.
He stayed the night, so basically we made out. I have to admit I was not impressed with the way he kissed. In the morning, I just wanted him out of my bed. Frankly, I was desperate to get him out of my apartment. Okay, he was a lousy kisser and his moles got to me, but my question is: It's been 13 days, so why haven't I heard from him? What went wrong? I thought he liked me! Why hasn't he called?
[Elle]
"Auntie Eeee will lose her faith in womankind if you're sincerely asking why you haven't 'heard' from a chappy you couldn't bear to 'touch,' 'look at,' kiss, or run your hand over," replies E. Jean. Read the rest of her answer.
As An Ethnically Ambiguous White Person, Is It Offensive For Me To Dye My Hair Black?
I'm an ethnically ambiguous white person. I'm also Jewish, and my family originates mostly from Eastern Europe, but I get asked about my ethnicity on a fairly regular basis, and I'm read as a member of a number of different ethnic groups. On one memorable occasion, a woman at a workshop on writing respectfully across cultures turned to me and began to guess my country of origin, giving me five or six wrong guesses before I ended the conversation. A while before people started asking me about my ethnicity, I started dying my hair black because I think the color looks better on me and because I enjoy the black hair/leather jacket look. (My natural hair color is dark brown.) Lately I've been wondering if the hair dye is a bad idea. I know the black hair wouldn't make me look nonwhite if I didn't have nontraditionally white-looking facial features, and I don't do anything else that would alter my racial presentation, like tanning. That said, should I go back to my original color? I prefer the way I look with black hair, but I don't want to be offensive. For what it's worth, I still look white enough that I think I have most elements of white privilege.
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg cheerfully informs the letter writer that they are overthinking it. "Dye your hair the color you like best and don't worry about it," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.