Can I Force My Son To Change His Name Since There's A Porn Star With His Name, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Can I Force My Son To Change His Name, Since He Has The Same Name As A Porn Performer?
Our son, almost 17, shares his otherwise unique name with an adult film star. We first realized this about two years ago, and the problem has only gotten worse, as the star has become more ... prolific. Any search of the name yields only pages and pages of the star's porn links. There's no shortened form or nickname, and our son has no middle name, so we don't have options but to legally change it.
The problem is our son does not want to do this. He doesn't care about the overlap, it's the only name he and everyone else has ever known him by, and a change will likely highlight the underlying reason. But we're worried that this will follow him negatively as he starts to apply to schools and, eventually, workplaces that will search his name. Rather disturbingly, a very cursory review of appearances might compound this: The adult performer is fairly young and shares race and hair color with our son.
Should we play the parent card and force a legal name change? We would allow him to go by the former name with friends and family.
[Slate]
"You absolutely should not force a legal name change, that's a ridiculous overreaction," replies Nicole Cliffe. "This is not a problem if your son doesn't care." Read the rest of her answer.
Do I Have To Keep Working With Someone Who Gets Off Sexually On Our Work?
I am a volunteer for a nonprofit where I help coordinate volunteers for big living history events…
I have known for several years that one volunteer (we are both gay) is interested in experiencing the master/servant dynamic as a servant to a male master because of his interest in BDSM as well as history (he divulged this to me privately). He behaves appropriately with volunteers and visitors at the historic sites where he portrays a servant, but on Facebook he makes a lot of "joking" comments on other people's posts about wanting to serve men, be humiliated, be punished, etc. that I, knowing that he is not joking, find very uncomfortable to read…
I have spoken to him about his social media behavior several times, suggesting that he dial it back, and he has always responded by saying that he is joking and I am misconstruing his actions.
My question is, since this person is behaving appropriately when actually at historic sites, particularly the one I volunteer for as a coordinator, do I need to let this go and pretend I don't know that he's getting his jollies off?
Alison Green advises the letter writer to stop letting this guy volunteer. "He's welcome to explore his sexual interests, but he's not welcome to do it with unsuspecting or unconsenting other people," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Wrong To Warn A Hiring Manager That My Former Employee Shared Salary Information With His Coworkers?
To preface this, I run a small business with fewer than 20 employees. I have a former employee who we will call Adam. He left on good terms, but it came to my attention months after his departure that either during or after his employment term, he had told coworkers his payrate, asked for and acquired theirs, and openly shared this set of information with multiple people at the company. This has caused a number of ongoing problems, productivity and jealousy related, amongst staff…
I was recently contacted by another employer seeking a reference on Adam. I was truthful, said the good, the bad, and also disclosed the behavior noted above. Several weeks later, Adam emailed me asking if someone from XYZ company had called for a reference on him, and If so, what I had said, since he thought the job interview went well yet he wasn't given an offer. I was honest with him, told him that I found out what he had been doing, thought it was noteworthy due to the problems it caused and therefore felt obliged to mention it...
The way I see it is, at the end of the day all I did was relay the facts. Adam was the one to engage in the questionable behavior, and XYZ company was the one to turn him down for the job based on this behavior. So am I the asshole here?
Commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit generally answer the letter writer's question in the affirmative. "You say all you did was 'relay the facts' but all he did was 'relay the facts' about his pay information," replies one commenter. "Your behavior was definitely retaliatory, and I wish him the best of luck in his lawsuit." Read the rest of their answers.
Should I Have Pressed Charges Against A Waitress Who Trapped Me In A Bathroom For No Reason?
My husband and I were getting ready to leave after dinner at a restaurant we've patronized for 15 years. I went to the ladies' room and was washing my hands when a waitress I don't care for came barging in, got in my face and started yelling at me. I tried to leave, but she wouldn't let me out of the restroom. I asked her several times to let me out, and she kept telling me no. When she finally let me go, I told the man in charge what she did.
My husband called him later, but the manager believed the waitress, who said that I started it. Another waitress who calls me her "sister" didn't answer the texts I sent her. I am very hurt that she ignored me. Clearly, she believes the waitress, too.
The restroom encounter left red marks all over my arm, but the manager didn't care. The offender has left town and moved out of state. I'm 74 and was tempted to go to the police but didn't. Now I wish I had pressed charges. Should I have?
[UExpress]
"There is probably more to this story than what you have written, but yes, you should have notified the police," replies Abigail Van Buren, who notes that what the letter writer describes sounds like assault and false imprisonment. Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After My Best Friend Started Sexually Harassing Our Roommate?
My best friend (a gay man) confessed to our roommate (a straight man) that he's been madly in love with him for two years and "always will be." I expected this to ruin their relationship. But after our roommate explained that he wasn't interested, everything was fine — until recently. My BFF began pushing boundaries. Last night, for instance, he jumped into our roommate's bed and begged to sleep with him. Our roommate asked him nicely to leave, but finally had to yell at him. I've advised my BFF to move on to available men, but he won't (and says he can't). Help! There are two years left on our lease.
Philip Galanes encourages the letter writer to talk to their straight roommate and offer him help. "Your BFF's behavior sounds childish and sort of abusive," he writes. "When your roommate told him he didn't share his feelings, the courtship should have ended." Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Send The Pictures I've Surreptitiously Taken Of My Neighbor To The Government?
When I moved to my new home a few years ago, my neighbor told me that she'd had multiple back surgeries. She is in her mid-50s and does not work.
She does, however, shovel three feet of snow from her roof, uses a rototiller in her yard, lugs mounds of leave, etc.
From conversations and from what I've witnessed, it is my understanding that she is on disability.
It is disturbing to be contributing financially for her welfare via my tax dollars, when it is obvious that she's very able-bodied. Additionally, she is an ever-present annoyance who is unable to respect boundaries, even after we've repeatedly asked her to respect our space…
I've taken a few photos showing her physical abilities — just in case. Should I bring it to the attention of the Department of Social Security?
Amy Dickinson gives the letter writer contact information for the Social Security Administration's fraud department. "I don't see this as a particularly challenging ethical dilemma, but I suggest you do your best to get your facts straight before filing your report," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.