Was It Wrong For Me To Move In With My Ex's Dad And Clean Out His Childhood Bedroom, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Is It Too Late For Me To Tell My Remote Business Partner I Just Had A Baby?
I'm self-employed and had a baby a few weeks ago. I am working on a project that was supposed to launch earlier this year but has now been pushed back to summer. I never told my remote business partner I was pregnant because I didn't want it to be a reason to push the launch date, and also I figured he might not think I was as committed to the project once I had a baby. We only touch base every few weeks, so we're not especially close.
Now that the baby is here, it feels weird to not mention her. Since I'm working from home, you can hear her noises in the background; I'm pretty sure he thinks it's a cat. On our last call, he mentioned that I was fortunate I don't have to deal with kids at this moment in time (but I do!). Is it too late for me to tell him I had a baby? I feel anxious that he could misconstrue my omission as a lack of trust in him personally. Maybe I just never say anything? It's not like he needs to know!
Caity Weaver advises the letter writer to gaslight their business partner by acting as though he's known about the baby all along. "In all likelihood, he will be too embarrassed to reveal he was ignorant of your life-changing event," she writes. "People hate admitting they don't know something — especially something they should know." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Apologize For Accidentally Flashing My Work Team On A Video Call?
After a video team meeting today, I hung up the call and proceeded to get undressed for a shower. After a few seconds, when I was significantly but not completely undressed, I noticed that the app had frozen and was still open. The rest of my team had been staying on for a different meeting, so I prayed it had disconnected on their end and closed it.
At a meeting with our team lead later in the afternoon, she (gently) let me know that it had not disconnected and told me it wasn't a big deal. Obviously I am DEEPLY mortified and basically want to die right now.
Should I reach out to the other team members and offer an explanation/apology? Also, can you tell me that someday everyone will forget this happened and I'll stop reliving it in my head while wanting to barf, even if it's not true? Everyone on my team is great and I'm sure will act like it never happened, but I'll always know what they've seen.
Alison Green acknowledges that this is everyone's nightmare and rules that the letter writer doesn't have to apologize for it. "Stuff like this happens, and decent coworkers do not forever associate it with the person it happened to," she writes. "Mostly they will feel empathy, and probably care about you feeling comfortable again." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After Discovering That My Boyfriend Apparently Stole Photos From My Apartment Before We Met?
I have been with my boyfriend, "Alex," for two years. (We're both men.) I moved into his condo shortly before lockdown, and while it's been a weird time, things had been going really well. He seemed like the most perfect, lovely boyfriend, and I trusted him absolutely, even if he's been a little possessive at times. Never anything that raised an alarm bell though, and he's always seemed open to talking about any problems. I was sorting through drawers in the bedroom after he'd told me I was welcome to rearrange things and found an actual hidden compartment. Inside was an old cellphone of mine I thought had been lost or stolen over two years ago. It was fully charged and still logged in to all my social media accounts. I don't know how, given that I had it deactivated way back when I realized it was gone. There was also a photo album that included a lot of snaps from my modeling portfolio back in college. This album had gone missing from my old apartment before I'd even met my current boyfriend.
I went into a state of shock, put them back, and said nothing to him when he came home. I've changed all my social media passwords, but that's it. I have no idea how to discuss this with him… Is there any possible reasonable explanation for what I found? Am I right to be as completely terrified by this as I am?
[Slate]
Danny M. Lavery strongly encourages the letter writer to find somewhere else to stay as soon as possible. "You cannot trust your boyfriend, and there is no possible conversation the two of you can have that would ever restore that trust," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Am I A Jerk For Dating My Ex's Dad And Then Clearing Out My Ex's Childhood Bedroom?
I moved in with my significant other of 2 years after my pay was reduced in February due to everything that's been happening and it didn't make financial sense for me to live in my own apartment anymore… My SO is my ex-bf's dad, and I'm now living in the home where my ex-bf grew up.
My ex doesn't visit the house at all. I suggested to my SO that we should move everything out of my ex's childhood room, let me use it to store some of my stuff, and let me use it as my personal office/lounging room. My SO agreed. So I boxed up everything in my ex-bf's childhood room and moved them to the garage, including the furniture.
I've redecorated the room and made it mine. Before I even moved his things, I emailed my ex about this and told him he should come by and take a look at what he wants to keep and/or sell and/or donate. After not hearing from him for three weeks, today he texts me calling me all sorts of names for clearing out and taking "his" room.
I'm really trying to be sensitive and nice here, but he is making this very difficult with his rage-filled outbursts and texts… Why does my ex feel like he owns his childhood room when he doesn't even visit? It is very sad and bizarre.
The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit vote that the letter writer is a jerk both for clearing out their ex's room and for dating their ex's dad. "[Y]ou have no claim to that house, you're the girlfriend, not a spouse," one of them writes. "You shouldn't be the one contacting your ex about moving things in his DADS HOUSE..his FATHER should." Read the rest of their answers.
How Can I Shut Down The Mutual Attraction Between Me And My Brother-In-Law While We're Quarantining Together?
Because of the coronavirus, I am staying in my late mother's home with my husband, his brother and wife, and our young children. This seemed like a good idea, so we could share chores and childcare (two of us are still working, from home, full time). But the situation has become uncomfortable for me because I am extremely attracted to my brother-in-law. I had hoped this feeling would die down, but it has got worse and over the past three weeks I have become aware that he seems to be lusting after me. My husband and I rarely have sex, owing to his lack of interest, which set in after our second child was born, so I am frustrated and afraid that something is going to happen, or that others in the house will pick up on the vibe between us. How can I stop this feeling?
Pamela Stephenson Connolly urges the letter writer to avoid being alone with their brother-in-law and to focus on improving their marriage. "Like many others, you may be unconsciously drawn to a peril that you can control," she writes. "Recognise this and set firm boundaries." Read the rest of her answer.
Why Hasn't Anyone Thanked Me For My Very Popular Cultural Events?
After a long career in the public eye, and at age 74, I am withdrawing from most public activity to enjoy some years of traveling with my wife and contemplating nature. This means that the serious and very popular cultural events I produce must end, to the regret of the community. No one else is really able to continue the work. The events have been a major cultural and social success.
I've been asked several times how I feel about the sum of my experiences. Each time I'm asked, I consciously restrain myself from remarking that only twice in the past years have I been personally thanked, in any way, for any of the complimentary tickets I distribute lavishly. (And in those two instances, I received two separate thank-you notes from the same person.)
I was never motivated by a desire for personal credit. I have no interest in spreading bad feelings. But since I am not YOU, is there any way I can make a comment or take some action to let others know that it's polite to express gratitude? Or do I remain silent — politely?
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin opine that the letter writer doesn't have to stay silent. "You could say, 'I've loved doing this, and I hope others enjoyed it, but I don't really know, because I never got any feedback,'" they write. Read the rest of their answer.