How Can I Get My Husband To Stop Speaking His Native Language To His Friends And Family On The Phone, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
How Can I Get My Husband To Stop Speaking His Native Language To His Friends And Family On The Phone?
My husband and I have been together for 20 years (married for 12). He is from the UK (Wales).
When we visit his relatives and friends in Wales, everyone is kind enough to speak English while I am in the room (Welsh is their native language).
When we are in the States, my husband speaks to his family and friends frequently on the phone — always in Welsh.
I find this rude, and when I mentioned it, he said he was not talking about me and that therefore it shouldn't bother me.
I often hear my name mentioned in his conversations and although I am sure it is not malicious, I am still uncomfortable as he babbles on in his native language.
Is it too much to ask that he speak English while I am present and in my own house? What is the etiquette for these types of situations?
Amy Dickinson points out that Welsh is a very rare language and encourages the letter writer to learn it. "Your husband is not being deliberately rude," she writes. "I think he is trying to communicate with his landsmen using expressions that are unique to a very small population." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Tell My Boss It Made Me Uncomfortable When He Encouraged Me To Become A Homemaker?
Recently my boss (just above my immediate supervisor) called me to "share his perspective" since he knows I am getting married soon. He wanted to tell me how much he appreciates his wife staying home to care for their children and wanted me to hear that perspective since it is counter to the predominant view of "careerism" today. He and I have connected about our shared Catholic beliefs before, he even sent me religious premarital counseling materials when I first got engaged, but we've never talked about religious values related to my employment.
What's the best way to say that the conversation crossed a boundary and made me feel uncomfortable? In every other interaction, I think the boss has done a great job balancing being a deeply religious person in a professional environment, and he did engage the conversation about staying home as sharing his perspective rather than telling me what to do. That said, it was an unsolicited perspective that I know was not shared with my male colleague who is also getting married soon. Because this boss will have a say in any of my future promotions or raises, I worry that his perspective on working mothers might hinder my career growth.
I asked my immediate supervisor for advice and he suggested to leave it alone since the issue would not arise until I actually have a child.
Alison Green agrees that the boss's comments crossed a line. "I'm sure he's not calling his male employees to encourage them to resist 'careerism,'" she writes. "This is about you being a woman, and his belief that women should stay home with their kids." Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Wrong To Tell My Daughter Her Fiancé's Parents Demanded A Dowry?
I have a daughter (27) who was with her boyfriend for 7 years and they got engaged not long ago (just a small party, not many guests). She always talks to me about how she loved him, how he always listens to he and he was made for her. I have agreed with her, since I found him to be a good natured man, he was kind and humble and was always respectful to our family. We've met his parents for dinner twice or thrice and they hit me as a little sexist, asking questions to my wife like "I don't know why you're working, isn't that the husband's job? It's the mother's job to be taking care of the children."
Now that they wanted to make it more serious, they planned a marriage. Anyways we have been planning about the marriage, and one day her boyfriend comes to me and says that his parents want to talk to me. I was going to call my daughter too, but he said that she wasn't allowed. I went with him and his parents started talking with me about DOWRY. I was confused and said that there was no dowry and in 2020 who even gives dowry?? But boyfriend and his parents started lecturing me about how necessary it was and how my daughter would be a stay at home wife (my daughter has told me that she wants to continue her dreams so I don't know what this is). Anyways they told me that I should give it a thought and told me not to tell my daughter for the time being. However I immediately told my daughter about it, and she started crying saying she didn't know that her boyfriend was so sexist. She asked me what she could do now, and I told her that she wasn't being forced and could cancel her marriage if she didn't want it.
Well, that is exactly what happened and now her boyfriend and his parents are calling me saying I took away the love of his life etc… On top of that, some of her friends (some were bridesmaids) said that I was a asshole for breaking up what would've been a "healthy marriage". But it's my daughter's happiness that matters. AITA?
The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit vote that the letter writer made the right call to tell their daughter about the dowry request. "If she's always had grand plans to have a career, a marriage to this man who expects the opposite was going to be nothing but heartache," one of them writes. Read the rest of their answers.
Should I Stay With My Boyfriend Despite His Obvious Obsession With His Friend?
My boyfriend of just under a year, "Tom" is pansexual, which has never been a problem (I'm a straight woman, FYI). However, the night we met he told me that he had recently hooked up with a straight male friend, "Brandon," and then been rejected, and this situation in particular is an issue. It is obvious that Tom has a huge crush on Brandon. Tom has said on a few occasions that he was ready to come out to his religious parents for Brandon and was hoping to be his boyfriend, but Brandon told him that the sex was a one-time thing and asked him not to tell anyone (a request which he obviously did not honor). Instead of backing off, Tom will text Brandon to join our group at any outing unless I expressly ask him not to by saying that I would like tonight to be just us, or that our friends have invited only us out. When Tom does invite Brandon places, Brandon often does not respond or responds hours later vaguely. Once, Tom said that he wanted to use my phone to call Brandon because he thought he'd actually get him to pick up by using a number not his own that Brandon didn't recognize. If we pass a bar that Brandon is known to frequent regularly, Tom likes to stop in to see if he's there, and will want to hang out if Brandon is there. He also repeatedly violates Brandon's request to keep their hook up under wraps. He's told many people, not just me. The one time he did get Brandon to hang out, Tom pissed me off by staying out hours after he told me he was coming back, letting his phone die so that I couldn't reach him, and then waking me up at 3:30 in the morning to let him in because he didn't have his keys. He's also lately been floating the idea of Brandon joining us in a threesome, because I have expressed interest in us finding a male partner for one and wants me to spend one on one time with Brandon as a start to getting him home with us. At this point, I think I'm about ready to throw in the towel and let Tom chase this man and implode their friendship unencumbered by a relationship with me. What do you think?
[Slate]
Rich Juzwiak endorses the letter writer's plan to leave the relationship, calling Tom's behavior toward Brandon "red flags that would inspire me to question not merely the viability of the relationship, but Tom's character. He's foisting himself upon someone who is clearly not interested, despite having someone who is: you." Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Tell My Friend He Must Cut Ties With His Current Girlfriend If He And I Ever Start Dating?
A friend's wife died six months ago after a 10-year battle with cancer. He was her faithful caretaker, as she was mostly homebound and bedridden. He told me previously that he has had a female friend for the last four years. He didn't say, but I think she comes "with benefits" (i.e., they have been intimate). Her office and his workplace regularly interact, and he knows her family and her kids.
He likes me, and I like him. During this initial grief period — perhaps even for a year — I wish to only be friends, and I have told him we are not going to be intimate anytime soon. As his grief lessens, it is possible that he and I may eventually date. But I don't feel good about his female friend, and I wouldn't want her in our space at all, not even as a casual friend. If they have been lovers, I would want him to cut ALL ties with her.
Abby, how likely is a widower to carry forward the (likely) mistress he had during the wife's protracted illness?
[UExpress]
"Very likely!" replies Abigail Van Buren. "Although I wish you good hunting, you may be four years too late to bag this buck." That's her entire answer to this question, but read the rest of her column.
How Can I Convince A Stranger To Give Me A Diamond Necklace That Might Have Once Belonged To My Grandmother?
My grandmother once had a diamond necklace that was a family heirloom. My grandfather, who didn't know how to keep things in his pants, ended up giving it to one of his mistresses. My grandmother mourned the loss of the necklace until the day she died. Recently, I happened to stumble across the necklace, or what I think is the necklace, on eBay. I questioned my grandfather and contacted the seller, and both parties think it's possible this necklace belonged to my grandmother. I wanted it back, but when I tried to discuss it with the seller, she said she was selling it for a reason and that, if I really wanted it back, I would pay her either the asking price or more. I am not sure what to do next. She has thankfully taken it down, but I feel like I am being blackmailed. Any thoughts?
[Slate]
Danny M. Lavery informs the letter writer they are not being blackmailed. "If you can afford to buy the necklace, and you'd like to, you can get back in touch and make an offer," he writes. "But just because you saw something that looks a lot like the necklace your grandfather gave away doesn't mean the stranger selling it should hand it over on demand." Read the rest of his answer.
