Should My Girlfriend Apologize For Telling My Mother, Who Is Black, That Veganism Is Like The Civil Rights Movement, And Other Advice Column Questions
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There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.

Do I Owe It To My Brother-In-Law To Be A Surrogate For Three Children In Exchange For His Sperm Donation?

My wife and I are both women. My wife and I want kids, and we would like it if they could be related to us, but obviously there's an issue there as far as making babies goes. We were considering adoption when my wife suggested asking her older brother to donate sperm to us… The brother said he'd be willing to donate when we're ready and can't wait to be an uncle.

Since the brother agreed to this he and his wife have found out that his wife can't have kids. Recently the brother told us he wants to renegotiate the sperm donor situation. In short, he wants to make 5 babies with me… He and his wife want 3 kids, me and my wife want 2. He wants me to go through 5 pregnancies, and he'll provide the sperm for each one, so biologically all 5 kids will be full siblings, but raised as cousins.

We get how big a favour he'd be doing us by donating, and we were honestly thrilled when he agreed, but the thing is the amount of time he'd spend creating 5 babies is about an hour or so, and the amount of time I'd spend is nearly 4 years (without recovery time)…

When they asked my wife and I said no… He then said that if we weren't willing to give him children, he wouldn't do the same for us. We said that was his right to change his mind, but he was asking too much from us…

AITA?

[Reddit via Twitter]

The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit vote that the brother-in-law is the jerk here, not the letter writer. "Three babies in exchange for one jackoff session?!?" one of them writes. "He's nuts." Read the rest of their answers.

Should My Girlfriend Apologize For Telling My Mother, Who Is Black, That Veganism Is Like The Civil Rights Movement

I'm a biracial (mom is black, dad is white) man, and my girlfriend is white. We're both vegan, but my girlfriend is much more vocal about it. We recently went to my home for dinner. My parents aren't vegan but prepare vegan food when I'm home. Over dinner, my girlfriend began comparing eating vegan to the civil rights movement, which my mom found offensive. I tried explaining to my girlfriend why these comments may have crossed the line, but she gets really upset. I don't know how (or if?) I should try to talk to her about it again, and Mom refuses to talk to my girlfriend until she apologizes, and my dad sides with my mom.

[Slate]

Danny M. Lavery sides with the letter writer's mother, noting that "it is possible — easy, even! — to advocate for vegan principles without comparing black people to animals" and suggesting that the girlfriend apologize immediately. Read the rest of his answer.

Should I Tell My Daughter (Again) That I've Noticed Her Boyfriend Has Feminine Traits?

My daughter, "Lauren," is in her early 30s and has had a handful of long-term, serious relationships over the years with young men. These relationships didn't work out for various reasons.

Recently, she met a guy online. She fell for him instantly (and he, for her).

She says she's never met someone so thoughtful, and that he is unlike anyone she's ever met before.

He brings her flowers each week, cooks for her, makes lunch for her to take to work (with little notes inside), buys her little gifts, etc.

Jokingly, I said, "He's so thoughtful and nurturing, he sounds like a woman — just like me!"

After meeting and spending an evening out with them, I can't help but feel he may not be totally heterosexual.

He seems like a nice enough person, but he exhibits more female or womanly characteristics and mannerisms, acting more like a girlfriend than a boyfriend.

He has recently changed his first name and has also removed all traces of social media online, so there are no pictures or other clues into his past relationships or life before meeting my daughter.

I hate to have her hurt or deceived again, and would never volunteer my suspicions to her unless she asked, but my intuition is rarely wrong.

What do you think?

[Tribune Content Agency]

Amy Dickinson points out that Lauren has surely noticed all the same characteristics that the letter writer has observed and might be happy to have found a gender-nonconforming partner. "You seem to think that 'not totally heterosexual' is a bad thing," she writes. "Or that thoughtfulness and nurturing are exclusively female traits." Read the rest of her answer.

Should I Try To Get My Neighbors To Stop Letting Their Toddlers Play In The Street?

There are parents in our neighborhood who set their kids' toys into the street, then let their toddlers (about 1 and 2) play there. Sometimes the parents are sitting close by, other times they are engaged in yardwork. This area is about 30 feet from a corner, so you turn onto our road to suddenly (barely!) see these kids over the hood. When you slam on the brakes, the parents wave and giggle as if to say, "Aren't they just adorable?!"

We neighbors don't feel it's our place to challenge their parenting style, but we all fear this will end in tragedy. Your advice?

[The Washington Post]

Carolyn Hax strongly urges the letter writer to speak up. "It doesn't 'challenge' their 'parenting style' to get out of your car to tell them that you almost killed their kids because any drivers taking the turn can't see them till it's almost too late," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.

Why Isn't My Employee As Productive Working At Home With A Toddler As She Was In The Office?

What are reasonable expectations for managers whose employees are now working from home? For myself, I can adhere to my normal schedule while homebound, but I have a great employee who, having gone above and beyond in normal times, pleads child care issues now that she is home. She is productive, but putting off some time-sensitive tasks because her toddler demands her time. Her husband is also at home.

Is it reasonable to expect an employee to find a way to work her normal schedule even while she is telecommuting? It is frustrating to hear "I can't" do such and such when she would have been able to do it easily in the workplace.

[Ask A Manager]

Alison Green rules that the letter writer's expectations are fully, completely unreasonable during the COVID-19 pandemic. "How exactly is she going to stick her office work schedule when she's supervising a small child half the time?" she writes. "This isn't a question of her needing to 'find a way.' There is no way." Read the rest of her answer.

Is It OK For A Dinner Guest To Pack A To-Go Plate Before Eating?

I have a good friend who, every time I invite her and her husband over for dinner, always assumes their 20-year-old daughter can have a plate as well. They make her a plate before they serve themselves and take it to her.

I guess I don't mind, but I wish they would ask before assuming it's OK. Most of the time I make enough food so I have leftovers for my boyfriend to take for lunch the following day. Is she being rude? Or am I just being a not-so-nice friend?

[UExpress]

Abigail Van Buren says that the friend is being rude but that the letter writer should have spoken up sooner. "A way to avoid this in the future might be to plate the food yourself rather than let your guests do it, and immediately refrigerate whatever is left," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.

Is It OK To Go Through Someone Else's Pantry And Throw Away Their Food?

When my wife and I hosted some family members, one of our female guests took it upon herself to go through our pantry and select every item that was past its "sell by" or "best by" date. She then proceeded to pour the contents into our garbage disposal and toss the containers in our recycling bin.

We have some other friends who experienced the same thing when they hosted a family member recently. We are over 65, as are our friends. I'm sure these women think they are doing us a favor, but most of the discarded items were condiments, and I have never gotten sick from a "bad" condiment.

Has it become commonplace for family members to go through an elderly person's pantry or refrigerator and toss expired items without their consent?

[UExpress]

Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the triad behind the Miss Manners persona, note that this practice has become somewhat commonplace. "Miss Manners suggests that you do your best to keep these helpful guests out of the kitchen — or give them a quick, dramatic scream upon finding any food that was unceremoniously tossed out by them," they write. Read the rest of their answer.

LV Anderson is the news editor at Grist and an advice column aficionado.

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