How Can I Get My Husband To Talk About The Fact That We've Never Had Sex, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
How Can I Get My Husband To Talk About The Fact That We've Never Had Sex In The 25 Years We've Been Together?
I have been with my husband for 25 years. I love my husband unconditionally, and I know that he loves me unconditionally. The problem is we have never ever had sex. Not even on our wedding night. I have approached the subject with him on many occasions, but he refuses to discuss it. I know that he has a problem getting an erection, because on more than one occasion I have found prescription Viagra in his car and in the house. I confronted him about it because I thought he might be having an affair and that was the problem, but he said no, which I believe, because outside of work, we are almost always together. There is really no time for him to have an affair. His explanation was that sometimes he just likes to feel like a man and have an erection, which is confusing to me because he's never used it to benefit our sex life. I have no desire to look outside my marriage for sex or intimacy because I love my husband deeply and only want that kind of relationship with him. I'm not even attracted to other men because he is it for me — my heart still skips a beat when he walks in the room. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him, and he for me. Is it possible to fix this problem, or is it too late?
[Slate]
Stoya advises the letter writer to write a letter to their husband. "You can express the kind of connection you'd like to have with him, and ask him if he's willing to work through whatever is happening together with you," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Give My Children's Social Security Numbers To The In-Laws Who Once Stole My Husband's Identity?
My in-laws are on the sleazy side and I wish my husband would stand up to them, but if he won't, I will. Their business got in some trouble years ago and to get quick cash they committed identity fraud and opened up credit in my husband's name. We didn't find out until it caused major headaches for us when we were buying a new car. They apologized with a flood of crocodile tears and how their backs were against the wall yadda yadda. That mess also delayed us buying a house for years.
They climbed out of their financial difficulty and offered us cash to make up for what they did (we refused), but I cannot forgive them for all the trouble they caused us.
Our children are 4 and 6 now, and my in-laws want their Social Security numbers to start bank accounts for them. I've put my foot down since this would be asking for trouble. My husband says this is traditional for grandparents to do in his family, we are hurting their feelings, and I need to "forgive and forget."
It's true I haven't forgiven them, but that's not why I'm holding firm on this issue. My husband says we can give the information to them and monitor our kids' accounts. Why not head that problem off? Isn't giving them this info a terrible idea?
Carolyn Hax agrees with the letter writer that giving the in-laws the children's Social Security numbers is a terrible idea. "Zillions of grands manage to be generous with their grandkids without their Social Security numbers," she writes. "You open the accounts yourself and steer gifts there." Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Tell My Trans Child That I Want Them To Pick A New Name That Matches Their Four Siblings' Names?
I have five children, ranging in ages from 12 to 20 years old, whom I absolutely adore. My youngest child has recently come out to us, stating they want to start a (very slow) transition to being a woman. We all support them fully on this. My problem is all my children were given names with a fairly specific pattern (I'm that kind of person), and the name my child has chosen, for now, does not match. I have been trying to encourage them to pick a name that matches their siblings' names a little better. It would break my heart, and drive me crazy, to introduce my children as "Jill," "Phil," "Bill," "Lill," and ... "Alexandria." The name they have picked isn't carved in stone, and I feel cruel and petty for not liking it. Am I in the wrong for trying to get them to change their name to one that fits their brothers and sisters a little better? They are already going through so much both mentally and physically. I want them to still feel a part of our family and not struggle any more than they have to.
[Slate]
Danny M. Lavery encourages the letter writer to discuss their feelings with a therapist, not with their child. "I can imagine a number of reasons why one or more of your kids might not want to have rhyming names with the rest of their siblings, while still loving all of you fiercely and being happy to be a part of your family," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Tell My Long-Distance Friends With Benefits I Lied About Being Pregnant And Having A Baby?
I'm a 36-year-old woman. In early 2019, I was going through a horrible breakup. I just could not recover from the betrayal my ex caused (cheating, mostly). I was constantly thinking of ways to get revenge on him for the pain he caused, which I now know was not productive. Three months after the breakup I went online to purposely seek out men in his community to make him jealous (my ex lives over an hour away). I met "Alex" and we hit it off. Even though I was still secretly plotting revenge on my ex, I did enjoy Alex's company. However, after a few months and the complications from a long-distance relationship, I didn't really want to see Alex anymore (I was over my ex at that point). So I thought I could scare Alex away rather than tell him the truth, and so I lied and told him I was five months pregnant with my ex's baby. Surprisingly, this did not scare him at all! He was shocked but wanted to see me still, even though we were mostly just friends with benefits.Well, fast forward to present and he wants to move to my city in a few months! He thinks I have a 6-month-old baby (I claimed to have given birth last October and even sent fake pics), which of course I don't! What should I do? I've been torn between telling him the truth that I was never pregnant and only trying to scare him away or telling him that I gave the baby over to his dad recently (he would never know). I've started to have feelings for Alex now that are stronger than just a FWB, which he mostly was since we started our "relationship" last June. What do I do?
Wendy Atterberry sarcastically muses over some ways the letter writer could keep the lie going and then urges the letter writer to get some help. "[Y]ou could probably just tell Alex the truth — that you have some very serious unresolved issues that you need to deal with … and are not anywhere near emotionally available for a relationship with a cat, let alone an actual human adult," she writes.
Am I A Jerk For Telling My Adult Daughter To Speak French At Home Even Though Her Non-Francophone Boyfriend Is Living With Us?
My grandparents escaped France at the start of WWII. They lived in hiding during the war and after the war they started life over in America. So my French ancestry is very important to me. I speak French and my four children speak French. I am a single dad. Two of my children are still teens and living with me and my oldest two daughters are staying with me right now until the whole situation ends. My oldest daughter brought her boyfriend with her.
My children and I all speak French to each other inside the house. Ever since she brought her boyfriend home, my oldest daughter will not speak French. I will ask her a question in French and she will answer in English. I asked her why and she says she doesn't want to alienate her boyfriend because everyone would be speaking French except him. I told her that she can speak French or leave. Now my daughter won't talk to me in any language and my other children think I was too harsh. AITA?
The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit overwhelmingly believe that the letter writer is being a jerk. "You are being an asshole for not temporarily allowing your daughter to speak English so as not to be rude to her boyfriend," one of them writes. "You're also an asshole to your daughter and are teaching her your love is conditional, and you will kick her out during a global pandemic for arbitrary reasons." Read the rest of their answers.
Should I Take It Personally That My Neighbors Don't Want Their Kids Playing With My Kid Because My Wife Is An ER Doctor?
We live in a suburb in the Midwest with few Covid-19 cases. While we obey our state's shelter-in-place order, the neighborhood kids play close together for an hour each day. One family, who are friends, asked that our 10-year-old daughter keep away from this group. They are concerned that my wife, an emergency doctor on the front lines of this pandemic, increases the risk of exposure for our daughter — which increases the risk for their kids. These same friends have lawn signs that read: "Thank You, Healthcare Heroes!" Am I wrong to feel our friends have turned their backs on us?
Philip Galanes points out that the letter writer is not, in fact, obeying their state's shelter-in-place order. "Neighborhood kids playing close together, even for an hour, is not safe, especially given the frequency of asymptomatic pediatric coronavirus cases," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.