Am I A Jerk For Lying To My Girlfriend About My Parents Being Racists, When They're Actually Nudists, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Should I Keep Trying To Be Friends With A Guy Who Got A Tattoo Of My Name After I Broke Up With Him?
Four months ago, I started dating a guy. We clicked really well.
We live three hours apart, so our relationship was mostly played out through texting and emails. We had so much fun getting to know each other, but I started to see little red flags: He'd get very angry if I didn't text him frequently, he seemed possessive, and he was pressuring me to push the relationship long faster than I wanted.
Because of this, I broke up with him. At first, he did not take it well and said a few hurtful things. After a few weeks he asked if we could be friends and keep in touch via text.
Since I did enjoy the texting banter, I agreed but made it clear that we are just friends.
He has asked several times if I would forgive him and move to an intimate relationship with him. Again, I told him that I was not interested in that but hoped that we could stay friends.
Amy, he just sent me a picture of his new tattoo. The tattoo is my name (with hearts) on his back!
I vacillate between being furious and just shrugging it off.
I have two questions for you. Can you offer any insight on what would make a man do such a ridiculous thing? After breaking up with someone, it is even possible to remain friends, or must I just always make a clean break?
Amy Dickinson urges the letter writer to stop communicating with this man. "I find myself hoping that this is a photoshop prank of some kind," she writes. "Regardless, a man would only do this sort of ridiculous thing in order to manipulate and control you." Read the rest of her answer.
Am I A Jerk For Telling My Girlfriend She Couldn't Meet My Parents Because They're Racists, When In Fact They're Just Nudists?
I am a 21 white male and my GF, Jane 22, is Asian American. We've been dating for 2 years now and are currently living together.
I met Jane's immediate family early on in the relationship and recently met her extended family last year at their new year celebrations.
My parents live in a gated community with other nudists. I've visited them a hand full of times since they've moved and it's just a pretty awkward experience so I just keep it to phone calls.
She brought up meeting them a few times and I didn't know what to say so I just told her that they are racist so that she'd stop asking to meet them. Which she did.
However now the problem is that we've been attending the protests and she feels that I should stop talking to my parents as I'm enabling them and maybe if I stop talking to them then they might idk stop being racist. So I told her that I lied and the real reason I don't want her to meet them is because they like being naked.
She's very angry. She called me a "massive AH" and shows my "white privilege" for joking about such a serious issue, she's gone to her sisters and is currently not talking to me.
My sister (25) thinks it's absolutely hilarious that only I can end up in a situation like this.
The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit agree that the letter writer is the asshole. "You manipulated your girlfriend by using a sensitive subject, a subject that would almost always be more sensitive for her than for you, in order to avoid a small discomfort to you," one of them writes. Read the rest of their answers.
Should I Keep Lying To My In-Laws About My Income Because It Would 'Devastate' Them To Learn That I Outearn My Husband?
My husband, "Bill," heads a research lab at an academic institution. We met when I was working there my first year out of college. He stayed in academia and I moved on to the biopharmaceutical industry; I'm now head of manufacturing at a small company.
My in-laws believe that Bill's Ph.D. means his job is much more important and lucrative than mine when actually I make quite a bit more than he does. We never felt the need to correct them, but my mother-in-law has been a royal pain about me working ever since I had my daughter, "Sara," two years ago. I recently got an earful about how I'm neglecting my daughter, how I don't need to work with Bill's salary and so on. I usually let this go since I'd work whether we needed the money or not, but I'd had a miserable, stressful couple of weeks and I snapped and told her to talk to her son, since I'm the main breadwinner and he should be the one to stay home.
Of course she doesn't believe I make more money since I "only" have my master's, and she told Bill I was telling lies about him. Bill is now ticked off at me because he says his dad would be "devastated" to know that I out-earn him.
Should I go along with what my husband wants and tell my mother-in-law I made a mistake, and of course Bill makes more money? If I do this Bill has promised to get her to lay off me, but the truth caused all this trouble — will a lie fix it?
Carolyn Hax argues that continuing to lie is not the solution to this issue. "The truth did not cause this problem!" she writes. "Your in-laws' sexism did, with a hard assist from their delusions. And from their son." Read the rest of her answer.
Did My Boss Discriminate Against Me By Threatening To Fire Me After I Told Everyone In The Office About A Coworker's Criminal Record?
I Googled several of my co-workers out of curiosity to see what, if anything, might come up, and I found that one of them has a criminal record. Apparently he had a substance abuse problem that resulted in an assault charge.
It was 25 years ago, but I don't think people like that change. So I let everyone else in the office know.
My boss told me that the office has a zero-tolerance policy for "malicious gossip" and that if I ever did something like that again, I would be fired.
She knows that I'm a Christian, so she asked me what the Bible says about gossip. I thought that was totally uncalled for, and maybe even religious discrimination. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How should I handle this?
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the trio behind the Miss Manners column, agree that perhaps the boss shouldn't have brought up religion but argue that it's not as bad as what the letter writer did. "In the end, your boss was showing more faith in you than you did in your co-worker — by giving you a second chance," they write. "Miss Manners recommends that you take it." Read the rest of their answer.
How Can I Convince My Sister And Brother-In-Law To Refinance Their Mortgage In A Way That Will Make My Mom Emotionally Comfortable?
My sister and brother-in-law are refinancing their home from a 30-year to a 15-year mortgage. They'll pay more each month, but with lower interest rates. They say it isn't significantly more than what they have been paying. This decision upsets my mom. She has anxiety issues, especially around money and finances, that have been definitely magnified by the pandemic… She is genuinely afraid that agreeing to higher monthly payments is risky for my sister's family — say, one of them loses their job and they can't make the higher payment. She has lost sleep about this, worrying about the potential for foreclosure, her grandkids losing their home. She's broken down with me on the phone about it and another time with a close friend.
My dad asked my sister and brother-in-law if they could, for my mom's mental well-being, consider a 30-year mortgage and just make payments as if it was a 15-year loan. They said no because the shorter mortgage further reduces their interest rate by 0.5 percent. My dad offered to make up the difference, which is less than $100 a month. My brother-in-law refused to even discuss it. He said that our mom would just have to live with their financial decisions, anxiety or no anxiety. My dad's plan gives them everything they want financially and will ease my mom's mental state. We all understand this is their decision to make, but I think my brother-in-law is being unreasonable. I need a script that allows me to make clear the damage his obstinance could do without being overly emotional or losing my cool. Any advice?
[Slate]
Danny M. Lavery advises the letter writer to stay out of their sister and brother-in-law's decision. "It is not reasonable for your parents to ask their grown child and her husband to reconsider joint financial decisions just because your mother has anxiety," he writes. "Your mother is not a co-signer of their mortgage, and your sister is not a minor." Read the rest of his answer.
Why Don't Strangers On The Internet Welcome My Unsolicited Criticism?
Am I awful because I don't sympathize when people put their business on the internet? For example, I read some comments on YouTube, and this woman was talking about how "all men cheat." I told her maybe it's just all the men she opens her legs to. My account was suspended for a week because of it. Another time, a man was talking about how none of his many kids talk to him. I asked what he had done to them that none of them speak to him, and he got mad. Abby, I'm not looking for trouble. I feel that if you can't take someone not kissing up to you, stop putting your business out there. Am I wrong?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren encourages the letter writer to stop commenting. "I agree that some people overshare online and doing it comes with a risk," she writes. "However, your comments weren't helpful; in fact, they were cruel." Read the rest of her answer.
