How Do I Tell The Woman I'm Dating She's My 'Backup Choice,' And Other Advice Column Questions
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There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.

How Do I Tell The Woman I've Been Dating For A Year She's My 'Backup Choice'?

I've been dating a particular woman on and off (let's call her H) during the last year. Meanwhile, I've gone on a few first dates with others. H is aware of this but doesn't know the full extent of my romantic life.

H isn't my girlfriend, and I don't intend to get into an official relationship with her. For instance, Valentine's Day is coming up and I think I'd rather spend it with a different woman. But, I don't want to hurt H's feelings, and I want to keep seeing her until I commit to someone.

Recently, H told me she loves me. I don't love her. Honestly, I don't want to hurt H, and I do want to to keep seeing her, as long as we're casual.

I suppose we have to break up eventually, but that might not be for years. Or maybe, if I don't find anyone else who's marriage material, I might have to settle for H despite her flaws. I don't like to call someone my "backup choice" but I guess that's how it is.

I want to approach the situation with honesty and make everyone happy the long run. How do I best talk with H about this?

[Paging Dr. Nerdlove]

Harris O'Malley orders the letter writer to break up with H immediately and tell her they're looking for different things. "What you don't do is tell her about your plan to keep her as your back-up," he writes. "There's never any need for her to know this, and telling her — even in the name of 'honesty' — just causes unnecessary pain." Read the rest of his answer.

Am I A Jerk For Refusing To Meet My Girlfriend's Dying Dad And Then Ghosting Her During His Funeral?

I'm 22M dating a 26F. I had a crush on her for a while, she's really pretty and funny, and we get along great. About a month after we get together, her dad gets diagnosed with cancer.

I have no frame of reference for dealing with sick people… she asks me if I want to meet her dad, and I tell her no, because I think it's way too soon.

We're together for 6 and a half months when her dad dies… I don't want to help her plan a funeral and talk to family members I've member met before.

I told her that I'll check in on her while she's planning, but I won't stay with her or help her plan. I also remind her that she has lots of friends who have known her longer than me who are really supportive. She says she is disappointed, but understands, and is fine as long as I come to the funeral.

The day of the funeral comes, and, I just can't do it. I'm in my car, in my suit, and I just can't go in. My phone is blowing up from texts from her, texts from our friends, phone calls, and I just can't do it. I wind up not showing up.

We talk later that night. She is really upset and says she can't believe she had to go through the whole event without my support and worrying about where I was the whole time. I felt bad, but reminded her again that we haven't been together for that long, and she had her brother and friends there.

She calls me an asshole and tells me she needs time to think. It's been about a week now and I haven't heard from her. I think both of these decisions are rash. I don't think I'm an asshole, I just think I'm young and don't know how to deal with death.

So tell me, AITA?

[Reddit via Twitter]

The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit overwhelmingly agree that the letter writer is the asshole. "You hung your partner out to dry at one of the most difficult times in her life," one of them writes. "If you can't be bothered to offer her the bare minimum of support then she's better off moving on to someone who will." Read the rest of their answers.

What Should I Do After My Coworker Threatened To Talk To My Manager If I Don't Gain Weight?

I've battled an eating disorder my whole life and it tends to come on when I am experiencing stress in situations that are out of my control. I recently ended my relationship with my fiancé of nine years which, as a result, triggered me to lapse back into old behavior. I thankfully saw the signs and took measures to try to alleviate the situation (not going to the gym, increasing my visits to my therapist, reaching out to friends and family for support, etc.)…

My issue is that I have one coworker who seems to have taken a particular interest in my weight. It started small, with her leaving snacks on my desk, asking me if I was sick, or watching me when I eat lunch. Today she pulled me aside to let me know that she is concerned about my weight and offered me a list of support groups for eating disorders along with therapist recommendations. She said everyone in the office is talking about my recent weight loss and that if I need time to "battle my demons" she is sure my manager would understand. She went on to say that if she doesn't see me start putting on weight she, along with a few other unnamed coworkers, would be going to my manger about forcing me to take time off. I was so taken aback that all I could say was "thank you for your concern" before getting away from her as quickly as possible.

I've put a lot of effort into keeping myself together the past couple of months and not letting my personal life interfere with my work life… I feel like my coworker is grossly overstepping and I am not sure how to handle this situation. Do you have any advice on how I should respond to shut this down?

[Ask A Manager]

Alison Green advises the letter writer to tell their colleague directly to stop harassing them. "It's absolutely not okay to push food on you, nose around about your health, scrutinize your lunch, tell you everyone is talking about you (!), tell you you're 'battling demons' (WTF?), threaten to speculate on your health to your boss, or try to force you to take time off," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.

How Can I Tell My Friend's Stepmother She Can't Come To My Friend's Bachelorette Party?

I am maid of honor in my close friend's wedding. I planned a bachelorette party downtown with the three other bridesmaids and four friends of the bride. I rented two connecting hotel rooms, made dinner reservations and planned some fun bars to go to. The next morning, we were going to have brunch…

Then the bride's stepmother started sending me messages that she and the bride's sister really want to be included. The bride's mother isn't invited to any bachelorette party events, but is going to the shower. I told the stepmother this, and she said her daughter (age 15) really wants to attend, and since they are paying for the wedding she doesn't think they should be excluded from any wedding events. I asked her if she wanted to come just to dinner or just to brunch the next day, and she was really put out by this suggestion…

I already planned a shower where all family members are present…

I asked the bride what she wants me to do, and she just got really upset and said she doesn't want anybody mad. I really want to help her, but I feel thrown in the middle of a family conflict. What should I do?

[The Washington Post]

Carolyn Hax encourages the letter writer to stick to her guns and tell the stepmother she's not invited. "I know it's awkward, but think about it: Do you really need the stepmother to like you?" she asks. "No. No, you do not." Read the rest of her answer.

Should I Continue Forcing My Son To Exercise And Count Calories, Even Though I Hated When My Parents Fat-Shamed Me?

I'm a comfortably retired mom with a 17-year-old son.

I totally resented my parents' fat-shaming when I was growing up… I went to the gym every day as a young adult and could never please my parents...

Now I see the point my parents tried to make. I am making my son log calories on a website to be aware that beef brisket has a ton more calories than fish.

I make him run the stairs in our house (one flight) and do two minutes of cardio. I am teaching him not to be sedentary.

I have this bad, looming, horrible, guilty feeling about this health education, because of how my parents treated me. Is it OK to get my son to log meals and learn about calories, good and bad fats, etc.?

[Tribune Content Agency]

Amy Dickinson urges the letter writer to teach her son how to cook instead of forcing him to count calories. "Be honest with your son about how your parents treated you, and how you felt about it," she writes. "Tell him you want to pass along a healthier message." Read the rest of her answer.

Should I Acquiesce To My 11-Year-Old Son's Demand That I Blow-Dry His Hair For Him Before School Every Day?

My son is almost 12 years old. He's a good kid, if a bit lazy. His hair is a huge problem. He has thick shoulder-length hair, which is his preference. It's surprising since we live in a conservative area (no other boys have long hair). That's OK with me; I admire his individuality.

The problem is that he won't blow-dry his own hair. I understand his frustration. I have long, thick hair and blow-outs suck. I think he's definitely old enough to take care of it. His dad and I have given him three options: Condition and blow-dry your own hair, go to school with wet hair, or get it cut.

This isn't unreasonable, right? By the way, I was a kid in the 1980s, and I was using a curling iron and cans of hair spray when I was 10, so I don't feel sympathetic.

[Slate]

Nicole Cliffe rules that the letter writer is not being unreasonable. "You do not have to blow-dry anyone's hair against your will, even your own child's," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.

LV Anderson is the news editor at Grist and an advice column aficionado.

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