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Classic Books Summed Up in 3 Lines (or Less)

mcsweeneys.net — This is amazing.

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  • industryfinest, on 06/24/2008, -14/+3amazing is right!!!
    • ericthegreat, on 06/25/2008, -6/+3What's amazing is that this made the front page.
    • karmaghost, on 06/26/2008, -0/+1How is this amazing? A cure for cancer would be amazing.
  • TwistyMcFister, on 06/24/2008, -3/+57Lady Chatterley's Lover

    Constance: I'm a married whore
    Oliver: I like sex
    Constance: Let's do it
  • malia94, on 06/25/2008, -6/+1hehehehe... talk about hitting the nail on the head!
  • davidmihm, on 06/25/2008, -1/+119My only complaint is the list is too short :)
    • fluidfoundation, on 06/25/2008, -10/+9If it makes you feel any better, we can summarize all of the Digg comments into 3 lines.

      Digg Comments

      JackassToaster: good digg (-15)
      SnorkleSink: Tila Teqila is both a whore and attention whore simultaneously. (+34)
      SkidMark: ur teh gay. (+2)
    • richiewrt, on 06/25/2008, -11/+5@fluidfoundation:
      You missed one.

      Obamite: Obama is the greatest ever (+113)
      • petebot, on 06/25/2008, -4/+3McCainite: Obama is the worstest ever (-113)
    • EpicSelekta, on 06/25/2008, -0/+3I'm pretty sure Fahrenheit 451 already established why this list is a terrible idea.
    • snapcase, on 06/25/2008, -0/+2An ok list... short, and far from amazing.
    • RaulMuadDib, on 06/25/2008, -0/+0I'm going to use this for my exam
  • fluidfoundation, on 06/25/2008, -10/+9This is ***** brilliant.
  • dinobot, on 06/25/2008, -14/+83Maybe someone should do some Sci-Fi classics as well

    Ender's Game

    Ender: Oh, simulated war! It's almost like the real thing!
    Military: It was the real thing. Congratulations, you won the war for us by destroying a planet.
    Ender: I must atone for my sins. Oh look here, an insectoid egg with telepathic powers.
    • wedges, on 06/25/2008, -10/+27humor doesn't come easily to everyone, don't worry.
    • TripcodeMel, on 06/25/2008, -2/+15Digital Fortress by Dan Brown

      NSA: Some disgruntled Japanese guy who used to work for us just created an uncrackable cypher. Let's put it through our code-breaking supercomputer!

      Tankado: It's not uncrackable, it's just really really really really hard to decode. BTW, there's a computer virus inside.

      Fletcher: ***** ***** BLOWS UP
    • hammelman, on 06/25/2008, -3/+31Shouldn't it be:

      Ender: Don't mess with me or you're dead.
      Everyone Else: Let's mess with Ender - that little *****.
      Ender: See, you're all dead now, I dont feel good about it though.
      • minigamer1896, on 06/26/2008, -0/+1I hate to say this, but this is more from Bean's point of view towards everything.
    • hoogie, on 06/25/2008, -3/+12Or how about Doom Fan Fiction?

      JOHN STALVERN: I must kill the demons!

      THE RADIO: You are the demons.

      JOHN STALVERN: Now I am a zombie.
    • stvspl, on 06/25/2008, -5/+12Maybe someone should be a little nerdier

      Digg

      15-year-old white male nerd: Hey, here's an article from a few weeks ago!

      37-year-old white male nerd: It would be better if it was more obviously pathetic. I'm going to comment about this.

      Everyone, in unison: Man, we ***** hate MrBabyMan. But we love Kevin Rose.
    • sandburn, on 06/25/2008, -7/+2Ever heard of something called a SPOILER ALERT?!
      • FeloniusMonkey, on 06/25/2008, -0/+9What were you expecting when you clicked the link, "Classic Books Summed Up in 3 Lines (or Less)"?
      • nepidae, on 06/25/2008, -0/+4statute of limitations man
      • Lukesed, on 06/26/2008, -0/+2Jesus comes back three days later.
        • unitedstatians, on 06/26/2008, -0/+1Exactly, what happens to people when they first learn of the Jesus story.

    • evildemonic, on 06/25/2008, -0/+14Here is the science fiction version, it's even better: http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml

      Yes, Ender's Game is listed.
      • HouseCentipede, on 06/26/2008, -0/+1The Piers Anthony synopses are priceless. I loved his books as a boy, but they don't seem to have aged very well...
    • whalt, on 06/26/2008, -0/+2I guess the only reading Diggers do is Comic Books and Science Fiction. Kind of sad.
  • StanleyKoolPrik, on 06/25/2008, -18/+4Not clever or funny.
  • burchie2, on 06/25/2008, -14/+2The Great Gatsby

    NICK: I love being rich and white.

    GATSBY: Me, too, but I'd kill for the love of a woman.

    DAISY: We can work with that.

    Hilarious!, I just had to read this for high school.
    • mysedai, on 06/25/2008, -10/+1I can never decide which "classic" I had to read in high school I hated worse, The Great Gatsby or The Old Man in the Sea. I loved Atlas Shruggs, though.
      God, I'm glad I don't believe in reincarnation. It means I don't ever have to go to high school again.
      • doctechnical, on 06/25/2008, -1/+9"I loved Atlas Shruggs, though."

        Didn't he pitch for the Cleveland Indians in '67? Helluva slider that guy had.
      • mizike, on 06/25/2008, -1/+1I can't believe they made you read Atlas Shrugged in high school given that it's one of the longest books written in the English language. It's an incredibly important book and a great read, but still, the sheer length would turn off 99% of high school students. BTW I always preferred Hemingway's full length novels (The Sun Also Rises and For Whom The Bell Tolls, in particular) to his short stories. The Old Man and the Sea, which is still excellent IMO, isn't really indicative of his work as a whole.
        • gutistg, on 06/25/2008, -2/+1Not one of, the.

          Not English, all Latin-based languages.
        • gutistg, on 06/25/2008, -0/+1My mistake. I heard the fact on NPR. I've filed a complaint and request for retraction. It's been far too long since the story aired, but maybe they'll still do it.
        • mysedai, on 06/25/2008, -1/+1It was an honors class?
          Hell, I didn't know it was one of the longest books out there, I don't think any of us did, or we would have revolted. She handed us the book, and said, "Read this, it'll make you think." She also gave us a about a month, so it wasn't really that taxing.
      • PhoenixAvatar2, on 06/25/2008, -0/+3There's much worse and longer books than the Great Gatsby. A Tale of Two Cities comes to mind.
        • elnerdo, on 06/25/2008, -0/+3To add to that:

          I would have to say that books by Dickens are easily the least-interesting stories in existence.
    • afflusso, on 06/25/2008, -2/+3I just finished Gatsby, too. Shouldn't it be Tom saying the first line? And this isn't funny anyway.
    • Schrodinger2, on 06/25/2008, -1/+2I don't like great gatsby for the storyline, I just love the writing style of the author. Everything is so vivid and descriptive.
  • fudged71, on 06/25/2008, -3/+69"Ah! Kill it, lion Jesus!"

    actually lives up to the submission description. This _is_ amazing
  • fudged71, on 06/25/2008, -2/+22http://mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/
    these are ALL amazing. ***** i love this website
  • gavin422, on 06/25/2008, -4/+12McSweeney's is underrated. Gotta go visit their site more.
    • stvspl, on 06/25/2008, -1/+3it's underrated? by whom? it's one of the more respected new literary journals / pieces of art available
      • gavin422, on 06/26/2008, -0/+3OK, maybe not so much "underrated" as "underappreciated".
  • RedReplicant, on 06/25/2008, -1/+40Oh no, spoilers!
  • b4rb3qu3, on 06/25/2008, -8/+2Mirror

    http://mcsweeneys.net.nyud.net:8090/2008/6/16josep ...
  • slifty, on 06/25/2008, -12/+5OLD NEWS! I read most of those books ages ago.
  • wedges, on 06/25/2008, -9/+3goddamnit... now mcsweeney's is going to turn into the next xkcd or cracked or huffington post. is nothing sacred?
  • magneteye, on 06/25/2008, -2/+63The site/article summed up in 3 lines:

    Network Timeout

    The server at mcsweeneys.net is taking too long to respond.

    The requested site did not respond to a connection request and the browser has stopped waiting for a reply
  • asskicker32, on 06/25/2008, -7/+1description says it all!
  • buba1243, on 06/25/2008, -5/+50site ran slow for me here is the full txt

    LIT 101 CLASS
    IN THREE LINES
    OR LESS.
    BY BEN JOSEPH

    - - - -

    1984

    WINSTON: Don't tell the Party, but sex is way better than totalitarianism.

    EVERYONE: Surprise! We're the Party.

    WINSTON: Oh, rats.

    The Lion, the Witch
    and the Wardrobe

    C.S. LEWIS: Finally, a utopia ruled by children and populated by talking animals.

    THE WITCH: Hi, I'm a sexually mature woman of power and confidence.

    C.S. LEWIS: Ah! Kill it, lion Jesus!

    Paradise Lost

    ADAM: Paradise has arbitrary dietary restrictions?

    DEVIL: They're really more like guidelines.

    GOD: Incorrect.

    Moby-Dick

    ISHMAEL: I'm existential.

    AHAB: Really? Try vengeance.

    ISHMAEL: I dig this dynamic. Can we drag it out for 600 pages?

    The Great Gatsby

    NICK: I love being rich and white.

    GATSBY: Me, too, but I'd kill for the love of a woman.

    DAISY: We can work with that.

    Oliver Twist

    OLIVER: Poverty ain't so bad, what with all the Cockney accents and charming musical interludes.

    ME: Thanks to movies, no books were read in the passing of this class.

    PROFESSOR WATERMAN: You're half right.
  • xEn1gma, on 06/25/2008, -10/+1Hahah, The Great Gatsby is right on the dot.

    NICK: I love being rich and white.

    GATSBY: Me, too, but I'd kill for the love of a woman.

    DAISY: We can work with that.

  • wontstoptalking, on 06/25/2008, -18/+2Digg: A group of a bunch of nerdy, awesome assholes who flame eachother, but is one great big community of awesomeness.
  • akermani, on 06/25/2008, -11/+2Great Gatsby was such a good book! (plus the only book i've read in that list)
  • tombonneau, on 06/25/2008, -2/+32ETHAN FROME

    Mattie: I love you, Ethan.

    Ethan: And I you, Mattie. It is as if our two souls have been adrift and it is only now --

    Mattie: Tree!
    • anillop, on 06/25/2008, -0/+5Worst book ever. The whole pickle dish scene was the worst sex scene ever.

      Great summary though.
    • Grubbo, on 06/25/2008, -0/+0This book is my summer reading.

      Thanks for my essay!
  • Enlefo, on 06/25/2008, -0/+1Holy crap these are amazing... bravo.
  • vinibinini, on 06/25/2008, -12/+78Harry Potter
    Harry: I Killed Lord Voldemort
    Lord Voldemort: Um not quite
    Harry: *****!
  • mysedai, on 06/25/2008, -0/+40Pride and Prejudice:
    Darcy: I can't help but to notice the circumstances of your birth, subsequent upbringing by your vile mother, eccentric father, and whorish younger sister make you inferior to me.
    Elizabeth: Whatever. I like Mr. Wickham, the man you loath and despise above all others better anyway.
    Darcy: What the deuce? I must have you!
  • Beanbones, on 06/25/2008, -9/+2Wow, that was lame and derivative. The original was a place where books were summed up in three words, not sentences.

    Waiting for Godot: Nothing Happens. Twice.
  • chicoer2001, on 06/25/2008, -3/+42Catcher in the Rye can be summerized in only one line. "People are phoney"
    • zwaldowski, on 06/25/2008, -0/+29HOLDEN: People are phoney.
      WORLD: ***** you.
      HOLDEN: I'll just have a nervous breakdown then.
  • Brotodeau, on 06/25/2008, -2/+5The Road

    Father: The world is destroyed, son. But I will protect you.
    Son: Dad? I'm scared. Please protect me.
    Father: Son, I'm dying. I can no longer protect you, but you, now, can protect yourself.
  • killerknives, on 06/25/2008, -1/+39To Kill A Mockingbird: Racism is bad
    • Dundasbro, on 06/25/2008, -1/+15Actually I believe its pronounced "Atticus Finch rocks!"
    • JDoms, on 06/25/2008, -0/+3and scary retards can save the day
    • jalaram, on 06/26/2008, -0/+2You forgot the obligatory "mmmkay"
  • sonicbloom, on 06/25/2008, -1/+24The Stranger

    Meursault: My mom died. And I killed an arab.

    Law: Don't you feel bad about any of this?

    Meursault: Nah.
    • PhoenixAvatar2, on 06/25/2008, -5/+1I haaated that book.
      • gutistg, on 06/25/2008, -1/+1I thought the plot was poorly conceived.

        Never once is self-defense mentioned. Meursault's inability to defend himself makes him difficult for me to identify with.

        I guess I'm just not the kind of existentialist who likes to mope about how it's all meaningless.
        • byrc, on 06/25/2008, -0/+4No true existentialist /should/ mope around all day. Those who have read Sartre's Existentialism is a Humanism know what I am talking about..

          The basis for the philosophy is not that life is meaningless, that is nihilism. Existentialism states that life has no pre-defined meaning, and it is our duty to define our lives in a way that is meaningful to us. But then again, we do not have to, it is all in our control, and all up to us, the individual.

          The Stranger found a character devoid of meaning and lost in his own freedom, and once that freedom was taken away, he realized that the meaning was in his freedom. If that is not empowering to us who are still free, I do not know what is. We were not supposed to directly identify with Meursault, but rather we were supposed to see his suffering and avoid it.
        • gutistg, on 06/25/2008, -0/+1Yeah, that's powerful.

          Hey, guys. Don't do this.
    • byrc, on 06/25/2008, -1/+1That book was the *****! How drab and boring it starts, with the short, concise sentences and no description and then in part 2, how he starts to describe the light in his cell, the sunset outside and the smell flowing in. And then he has an outburst of emotion, attacks the Chaplin and claims his life back. But then he dies. Absurdism is crraazzyy.
    • eNyoron, on 06/26/2008, -0/+0But hey, it spawned Bohemian Rhapsody, which is awesome.
  • Enygma42, on 06/25/2008, -8/+114
    I'll probably be slated for this but anyway...

    Fellowship of the Ring: They Left
    The Two Towers: They keep going
    Return of the King: They arrive.

    To all the folks that haven't seen the movies, I've just saved you 10 hours of your lives.
    • PhoenixAvatar2, on 06/25/2008, -0/+2212 if you're watching the extended editions.
    • Dobiewonkenobi, on 06/25/2008, -4/+21No, you stole 10 hours from their lives.
    • dafragsta, on 06/25/2008, -1/+15I'm surprised Frodo didn't brick in Sam's face at the end.

      /never go ass-to-mouth.
    • wrathchilde, on 06/25/2008, -3/+3They made a movie out of that? Cool.
    • MeatBallsack, on 06/25/2008, -5/+1to all the folks who havent seen clerks 2, this joke is from it.
    • drgmdp, on 06/26/2008, -1/+1thanks, i had no intentions of watching them anyway
  • ostracize, on 06/25/2008, -1/+5Reminds me of four word film review:
    http://www.fwfr.com/

    My favourite:
    Fargo - "Chipper cop cops chipper"
  • TaneshaR, on 06/25/2008, -4/+0I wish I would have found this site before I started college. I could have saved my self 4 years.
  • hammelman, on 06/25/2008, -11/+0Life:

    Eat
    Sleep
    *****
    Die
    • MuskokasFinest, on 06/25/2008, -0/+4There was only 1 rule!! How could you screw that up!?
      • hammelman, on 06/25/2008, -1/+0maybe eating and ***** should be on the same line? i couldnt help myself.
        • elnerdo, on 06/25/2008, -0/+2*****'s not necessary. Removing it will allow death to come more quickly.
    • coldfusion1970, on 06/25/2008, -0/+1You left out sex.
      Oh wait, this is digg.
  • TripcodeMel, on 06/25/2008, -0/+95Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

    George: Lenny, don't screw this up for me--

    Lenny: *Holding a dead blonde in a red dress.*

    George: Goddamn it, Lenny.
  • hoogie, on 06/25/2008, -1/+29I can do "The Grapes of Wrath"

    FATHER: Our farm is doing poorly, but this paper says there's jobs a-plenty in California, and papers never lie!

    TURTLE: I'M CROSSING THE DAMN ROAD.

    EVERYONE: *****.
    • PhoenixAvatar2, on 06/25/2008, -1/+7I can do better.

      EVERYONE: The Great Depression sucks, let's go to California!

      DAUGHTER: My baby was stillborn so I'm going to let this random hungry guy suck my boobs!

      BOOK: The end.


      OK, actually that was worse.
    • Hangly, on 06/25/2008, -0/+1Dugg for the damn turtle. Thanks for making my morning.
  • seedplanter, on 06/25/2008, -11/+0"Gone With The Wind" - An old fart movie.
    • Asvetic, on 06/25/2008, -0/+2Northerners: Free the Slaves! CHARGE!

      Southerns: ***** you! CHARGE!

      Scarlet: Damnit, I'm important!
  • Tyrghast, on 06/25/2008, -0/+3Is a working mirror actually up?
  • serif69, on 06/25/2008, -8/+2Fahrenheit 451:
    Everyone: Hurrrrrrrr. *crash*
    Beatty: Kill the books with fire! Hey, you're reading a book! Kill you with fire!
    Montag: But I like books. I'm outta here!
  • erichw1504, on 06/25/2008, -6/+44THE BOURNE TRILOGY:

    Bourne: "Who am I? And why are these men chasing me?"

    Bourne: *Kicks a ton of ass, even uses a book*

    Bourne: "Oh, my real name is David Webb... ok"
  • frozendevil, on 06/25/2008, -8/+2More like

    Ender's Game:

    Ender: OH *****! OH NO! OH NO! OH GOD *****! I HURT SOMETHING! I HAVE TO TURN INTO A BROODING EMO!
    Valentine: It's ok, I still love you Ender. Also: Peter and I are taking over the world government with a political blog.
    Bean: I am Orson Scott Card's Mary Sue.

    Full disclaimer: I love Ender's Game, it's one of the few books I've read multiple times.
  • Phatmoejoe, on 06/25/2008, -6/+0ooooh.... ooooh i bet i can do 1984

    Watch T.V. Go Outside. Try asking a ***** question.
  • Lark7, on 06/25/2008, -1/+173 lines or *fewer*
  • br0pbr0p, on 06/25/2008, -1/+1Down already -_-
  • pagodahut, on 06/25/2008, -0/+3King Lear

    Lear: I was going to divide my kingdom till my little bitch of a daughter told me she loved me like a daughter.

    Edmund: Stand up for bastards!

    Lear: Oh no...my little fool is dead...my fault...my heart!

  • r3m1x645, on 06/25/2008, -5/+8here's my contribution

    Waiting For Godot:

    Vladimir: Waiting for Godot is boring.
    Boy: Sorry folks, Godot isn't coming today.
    Estragon: I think I heard that before.
  • pagodahut, on 06/25/2008, -1/+7As I Lay Dying

    Darl: Our mother lays beyond the nexus of time and space and we shall quixotically venture to return her body to her family resting place.

    Vardaman: My mom is a fish.

    Darl: Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes.


    Yeah, the book didn't make much sense either.

  • Lark7, on 06/25/2008, -5/+73The Bible:

    Let there be light!
    Let there be Jews!
    Kill the Jew!
    • DrummerAndrew, on 06/25/2008, -0/+10Poignant and lacking none of the drama.
  • 3decibels, on 06/25/2008, -0/+4This reminds me of Rinkwork's Book-A-Minute feature. It's just as awesome:
    http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/
  • Thrilltone, on 06/25/2008, -1/+2Nick was not rich - Fail
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