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The 10 Most Terrifying Guides to Sex

cracked.com — We're not saying sex is something to be ashamed of. It's just that sex involving fire and knives frightens us.

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  • BobMcdynamite, on 06/10/2008, -7/+83I still think stabbing and lighting your partner on fire is more reasonable than dressing up in animal costumes.
    • danidanger88, on 06/10/2008, -4/+22I must agree - furries will always terrify me.
    • angusm, on 06/10/2008, -6/+45Dressing up in an animal costume for sex is a good way to get yourself stabbed and lit on fire.

      "What the *****? Goddamn furries! Here, take that, you anthropomorphized plush-wrapped *****!"



    • Haoie, on 06/11/2008, -0/+11Or mistaken for a coyote and shot.

      Don't say it doesn't happen.
    • chaoswings, on 06/11/2008, -3/+4I would rather my girlfriend get turned on by me getting into a costume rather then getting turned on by lighting me on fire. It also doesn't make practical sense, you can't have that much sex if you always wind up in the emergency room. Even worse, what if lighting you on fire isn't enough? What if she needs to stab you with knives to orgasm?
  • skazhy, on 06/10/2008, -2/+25dugg for 'make your own sex toys: 50 quick and easy projects with step-by step pictures'. i should get that one! :D
    • chaoswings, on 06/11/2008, -0/+2If there ever were a list of books that needed to be burned this would be it. No it's not because it's about sex it's because that stuff is dangerous. I don't care how good you are with a knife it should never go near your genitals. Same goes for sex toys buy them, don't make them yourself.
  • onionbagel724, on 06/10/2008, -6/+19i doubt anyone on dig could put these guides to good use, except for maybe the "pay for sex" guide
  • jakash, on 06/10/2008, -4/+51NSFW - but if you are stupid enough to click on "Terrifying Guides to Sex" while your boss is around, then you don't really deserve to have a job.
  • SceptreData, on 06/10/2008, -3/+55" Now picture them Porking. "
    ...
    ...
    D:
  • maexn, on 06/10/2008, -8/+3All of which makes us wonder what manner of sad, shameful individual is sitting at home thinking, "How do I buy porn online?" [...]

    :D
  • iamnotbill, on 06/10/2008, -16/+2thought process of a digger...

    *dugg early because i know a combination of a Cracked article and sex will make it to the front page and if i comment now with my wicked quote ("FISTING!') i will get diggs in no time!*

    ...* maybe mention i have a girlfriend too...*
  • WallnutBoy, on 06/10/2008, -2/+31...anyone got any amazon links?

    ..y'know, to laugh at >.>
  • rishubhav, on 06/10/2008, -4/+5I know what my friends are getting for their birthdays...
  • Divals, on 06/10/2008, -6/+11Why is knife play so weird? It's actually quite fun if you do it right.
    • Artemis11, on 06/11/2008, -0/+11Elaborate.
    • diggsarah, on 06/11/2008, -0/+8Agreed. Then again I'm into some pretty weird *****.
    • unorginalityftw, on 06/11/2008, -0/+2Against my better judgment...

      Go on. I'm actually quite curious.
    • Divals, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1Assuming you mean something more along the lines of 'what is knife play,' here is a link to a pretty good explanation: http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/BDSMinfo/knife_ ...

      Though I didn't really follow anything like that when I first started; it was more like 'horny... girl on the floor... hmm, there's a sword... whoa, swords make her orgasm' and just went from there.
  • DLtheRMX, on 06/11/2008, -4/+5Personally, I like the wheelbarrow.
  • Aurabolt, on 06/11/2008, -1/+17Reviews Say:
    "I would say this is a great book for details regarding how to put one's whole hand into a vagina."
    • unknownsoldierX, on 06/11/2008, -0/+6"Would not recommend. Does not cover how to get hand OUT of vagina!"
  • Unriggable, on 06/11/2008, -3/+1Where have these books been my whole life?
    • ChrisshEnzo, on 06/17/2008, -0/+1hopefully hidden, i would be remiss to find any of these books in a partners room and concerned for my safety.
  • AndrewDB, on 06/11/2008, -16/+2I see Digg's Cracked.com RSS feed and regular diggers are at it again.

    I wish there was a way how to block actual websites from appearing on the front page.. instead of having to bury them as lame every single time they pop up.
  • Narcism, on 06/11/2008, -3/+37Guides to sex? Rubbish.
    Sex is a two step process. Step 1: In. Step 2: Out. Repeat until unnecessary.
  • macabaret, on 06/11/2008, -2/+24I always thought The Bible was the most terrifying guide to sex. No fun allowed!
    • XombieRobot, on 06/11/2008, -0/+12Why did god put the honey spot right next to the sewage line?
    • heir0fisildur, on 06/11/2008, -1/+8Obviously you've never understood Song of Solomon.
      • DreKor, on 06/11/2008, -0/+4For an easily accessible modern translation, see The Joker by Steve Miller.
        "I really love your peaches / wanna shake your tree"
  • studmuffnin, on 06/11/2008, -4/+41A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting America: The George Bush Story
    • grimward, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1And then the follow-up about doing the same to IRAQ in the ass with two hands!
  • bman85, on 06/11/2008, -1/+9I really like the guys writing style over there at cracked, almost every article i read on that site gets me giggling at least once.

    Cringing was added also with this article, but there was still giggles.
  • dib2, on 06/11/2008, -0/+14http://www.amazon.com/Hand-Bush-Fine-Vaginal-Fisti ...

    Read the reviews.
    • FUR10N, on 06/11/2008, -0/+7lol "it makes a great gift"
    • grimward, on 06/11/2008, -0/+2Dib2, you dear sir are a winnar at the intarnets! :D I wish I could digg you ten times for this link :)
  • aldableep3, on 06/11/2008, -0/+21the art of vaginal fisting? sounds classy..
  • Buu700, on 06/11/2008, -1/+8YES! I CAN FINALLY BUY MY OWN PORN ONLINE NOW!!!
  • H0tKarl, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1Holy nice cartoon ass, Batman!!!!
    • grimward, on 06/11/2008, -0/+2If you like that, you should definitely start watching hentai... just saying..
  • bipolarruledout, on 06/11/2008, -1/+0Should be a guide to bachelor party gifts.
  • JonTheGoose, on 06/11/2008, -0/+2I know what I'm getting everyone for Christmas this year!

    :D
  • qbthemc, on 06/11/2008, -6/+0The day that Diggers have sex is the day the world ends.
  • cynicalliberal, on 06/11/2008, -0/+11I put on my robe and wizard hat...
  • shadowmoose, on 06/11/2008, -4/+1I need to start watching Cracked and XKCD for comics and top 10 articles. I've always wanted to get to the front page without actually doing anything.
  • anonymous457, on 06/11/2008, -0/+2i have to admit, i own hand in the bush, and have read it from cover to cover
    • 8barblues, on 06/11/2008, -0/+0how is it? I imagine there's only so much you can write about 'vaginal fisting' before it just gets redundant
  • Rikkochet, on 06/11/2008, -5/+3I usually love Cracked articles but this one reeked of sexual timidity and close-mindedness. I'm hardly into anything covered by the books in that list, but the childish "eww! old people having sex!" and "fetishes are icky!" really smacks of the author writing it to get a laugh and draw people his Christian Youth club.
  • Phrostee, on 06/11/2008, -0/+2FTA: "How many patients do you think those three fisting-positive physicians see in the average day? Were there any additional fisting-positive physicians who did not approve of this book? Like how in toothpaste commercials only 4 out of 5 dentists agree that Crest is best for preventing cavities. Is it possible there's a mystery fourth fisting-positive physician out there who read this book and just couldn't in good conscience lend his support to it and is biding his time until a book on fisting comes out that meets his exceedingly high standards?"

    fantastic
  • DangerIsGo, on 06/11/2008, -2/+1HEY! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with fisting :)
    • Owwmykneecap, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1Bend over.

      I'll test your convictions.
  • XeroxMonkey, on 06/11/2008, -1/+3"What Shat That?" sounds like a Dr. Seuss book. What shat that? What shat a bat?
  • Puisapres, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1I love how the cover to "Sex in the Golden Years" shows a couple in their 30s
  • ElectroStep, on 06/11/2008, -0/+2Paying for porn. Really, what the *****?
  • CanceledCzech, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1I always know when I'm going to cracked by the title.
  • smitlet, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1GRANDMA FTW
  • TheRealDeuce, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1Have what?
  • ctworden, on 06/11/2008, -0/+0You mean you guys don't rub acid in your eyes during sex?

    (((hoping my wife doesn't read this)))
  • drmangrum, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1Under *NO* circumstance do the words "erotic" and "knife" belong in the same sentence.
  • AngMarie424, on 06/11/2008, -2/+2Wow!
    Making your own sex toys.
    Yeah I've heard about those. Gay men using fish and having the gills expand and get stuck. Stuck in what? Need you ask? A woman lost her grip on a potato and it grew eyes inside her and eventually killed her. Men and women alike losing light bulbs in the worst places. One girl that I has unfortunately gone to school with had used a frozen hot dog and had broken it off inside of herself. Needless to say I don't think people need to be making their own.

    How to be the best lover: A guide for teenage boys.
    Whatever! How many teenage boys really want to be called a lover in the first place? Let's just start referring to all teenage boys as tigger. They'll bounce anything that moves. I've always known teenage boys to be more obsessed with quantity rather than quality. Let's just be realistic.
  • techmite, on 06/11/2008, -1/+0i would rather spend my time reading http://www.techjunkiez.com and http://www.chotocheeta.com
  • highimpact, on 06/11/2008, -0/+0Actually some of those books would be interesting to read.....I can think of scarier things.
  • ToastyBagel, on 06/11/2008, -0/+6"Even the best of us enjoys dressing up like the Thundercats and being fellated by the vacuum."

    Good god but that's the funniest sentence I've ever had the (mis)fortune to read!
  • Guth, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1"I would say this is a great book for details regarding how to put one's whole hand into a vagina."
  • leeaxel, on 06/11/2008, -0/+0I'll settle for a hand job than following this guide
  • 1337n3rd, on 06/11/2008, -2/+2the review sucks. so full of ignorance.
    "we're not suggesting senior citizens shouldn't have sex. We're just suggesting it never be talked about or acknowledged openly in any way whatsoever because it horrifies us."

    every collected piece is just about hating what maybe some likes.
    I just wonder how that lousy piece of desinformation made it to digg
  • Izabl, on 06/11/2008, -0/+0I agree with 1337n3rd

    those book seems fine and fun to me....except maybe the fisting part...that scares me for real.
    The one without kink are the one that are weird!
  • damnclem, on 06/11/2008, -0/+2I've got to give it up for Cracked. I was getting tired of all their top___ lists, mostly because they weren't funny. They've stepped their game up though. Everything has been hilarious lately.
  • rfdegrayii, on 06/11/2008, -0/+1The title alone is worth the digg.
  • thingsarecool, on 06/16/2008, -0/+0Awww, porking old people. How cute.
    And that genitorture book makes me wonder what the other "family jewels" are... since it says, "MORE" real big and all...
  •  

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