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HOW TO ORDER WINE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN A$$HOLE

waiterrant.net — I appreciate the artistry that goes into making wine and I respect people who have a good grasp of Oenology. However, since most people are dopes when it comes to ordering wine, I ’ve assembled a list of tips to help you not look like a putz. It’s not an exhaustive list. (It’s not a knowledgeable list for that matter either.

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  • twisterX, on 10/12/2007, -5/+2Dugg.

    Very Nice Guide
    • KCorax, on 10/12/2007, -0/+10Indeed it fits perfectly in the robots category
    • unitedstatians, on 10/12/2007, -19/+2How did this blog make it to the frontpage - This is ***** !

      Is JAshbaugh second submited story since being a Digg member

      I have summited 41 stories and been a member for over a year iam still not even frontpage ranked
      i haven't cuss in non of my stories and i make sure i put them in the correct category

      reporting this to adminstrator: J

      abuse@digg.com
    • Durrok, on 10/12/2007, -1/+4Well, lots of zero accounts dugg him...

      Perhaps your problem is you don't create 50 bot accounts to get your stories to the front page :p
    • unitedstatians, on 10/12/2007, -5/+9Stop ***** SCREAMMING YOU IGNORAMOUS YOU

      ............and this a dupe
      http://digg.com/links/How_to_Order_Wine._Written_by_a_Waiter
    • TomP, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1dupe whore
  • nazuraki, on 10/12/2007, -1/+7This is a pretty good read, but I've got to take issue with #9.

    It IS okay to smell/look at the cork, it can tell you several things. First, a practiced nose can smell if there's been too much seepage, which can help decide if the bottle's been corked. More importantly, you should look for potassium bitartrate crystals, which can be a sign that the bottle has been poorly stored.
    • fubes2000, on 10/12/2007, -1/+6I think he means "don't smell the cork just because you think you're supposed to". Most people [like me] don't have practiced noses and don't know what potassium bitartrate crystals look like. Smelling the cork would just make me look like a moron.
    • ksgant, on 10/12/2007, -1/+5He had me until: "25. Merlot is a perfectly good wine. Don’t believe all that “Sideways” crap. God I hate that movie!"

      I've always hated Merlot, I still do. When I saw that clip from Sideways (I didn't see the movie) I about ***** myself laughing. They nailed it. Merlot is to me about what MD 20/20 and Boone's Farm is.

      But hey, that's just me. If you like it, drink up!
  • neggbird, on 10/12/2007, -2/+3That was very helpful. I have never ordered win at a resturant before (because I'm too young) but when I do, which will be in a months time, I feel confident I could do it like a pro. And thats all thanks to this guide.
  • Math-Sux, on 10/12/2007, -3/+4Great read although I have to completely disagree with #25. I thought Sideways was great and have never heard anyone so eloquently describe my exact feelings for Merlot as in the movie.
  • burke, on 10/12/2007, -14/+2http://burke.libbey.name/capitals
  • burke, on 10/12/2007, -9/+1Actually, this is a pretty good read. Very informative.
  • fingiecrookie, on 10/12/2007, -1/+7Nice read, but dude.. Category: robots?
  • redflagfan, on 10/12/2007, -5/+1dugg, and i dont even drink wine!!! lol
    HUAR! - Humans United Against Robots
  • lukas88, on 10/12/2007, -2/+4I hated sideways too. Great article. I thought it was going to be snobby but it is just the opposite. Except for the part about the $200 tip.
  • DIGGADEEP, on 10/12/2007, -2/+19PLEASE DONT POST IN ALL CAPS NEXT TIME THANKS
    • PurpleMeteor, on 10/12/2007, -2/+10And don't use the word "*****" on the front page, it make Digg and its viewers look like a bunch of idiots.
    • koshak, on 10/12/2007, -3/+3Yeah...it is the word ***** that does that and not all the "steve Jobs coughed today!" articles on the front page that makes digg look like idiots.
    • boredzo, on 10/12/2007, -0/+8Personally, I think it's worse that he used "A$$HOLE" rather than just "*****". Who do you think you're fooling?
  • holysaiyan1, on 10/12/2007, -5/+1http://largeletters.ytmnd.com/
  • anamanaman, on 10/12/2007, -1/+10I dugg this a couple months ago. JAshbaugh is an A$$HOLE
    • unitedstatians, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2He also puts Wine stories in robots category................ this smells suspicious

      reporting this moron bot programmer to adminstrator: J
      http://digg.com/users/JAshbaugh

      abuse@digg.com
  • unknowndomain, on 10/12/2007, -0/+5Im sure its a great article but its not in the right category, this is a tech site and why the caps? Still good though
  • mrASSMAN, on 10/12/2007, -7/+4ok.. here i was thinking this had to do with the wine OS...

    but no, it's the wine that has nothing to do with tech.. (nor robots)

    only pussies care about wine
  • JakeMcMahon, on 10/12/2007, -6/+6If you have to order wine, you're probably an "A$$HOLE" to begin with. Wheres the beer?!
  • lament, on 10/12/2007, -0/+11Here's how I order my wine:

    "What beers do you have?"

    It's a lot easier.
  • STKD, on 10/12/2007, -1/+6"How to write a digg article WITHOUT USING THE CAPS LOCK KEY".
    Coming up next on digg.
  • tomee, on 10/12/2007, -2/+1coke
  • gamabunta, on 10/12/2007, -1/+2send this to dvorak.
  • koshak, on 10/12/2007, -4/+3How does this even REMOTELY belong on Digg?
  • bloatedcat, on 10/12/2007, -1/+2Isn't someone who practices Oenology an onanist?
  • RamMasterRay, on 10/12/2007, -1/+1The text on the site disappears when I scroll the article. I'm using opera 8.5. This is the first time I've seen it happen.
  • TopBanana, on 10/12/2007, -1/+2I normally ask the sommelier for his advice - I've tried some amazing wines that way that I never would have thought of ordering, and not necessarily expensive stuff. Just don't be a smart-ass!
  • koshak, on 10/12/2007, -2/+1Also, is there anyone who actually beleives the "author" is a waiter? If so, PLEASE come to my house for a winner take all poker tournament. I will let you in on a little secret. I ALWAYS have a straight flush. Isn't that amazing luck? ALWAYS.
    • boxomojo, on 10/12/2007, -1/+0what past of it made it sounds like he'e not a waiter? i worked as a waiter for years and had similar experiences with cork sniffing yuppie idiots and people asking me about the vineyard soil that the grapes are grown in.
    • koshak, on 10/12/2007, -0/+0All of it. Or do you believe what you read on the internet?
  • koshak, on 10/12/2007, -0/+0It doesn't mention if I am allowed to sniff the spigot on the box.

    $5 for an entire gallon! Can't beat that.
  • SimpsonsJunk, on 10/12/2007, -8/+2Wine is for total ***** fags...
  • serra, on 10/12/2007, -2/+4Posting in all caps makes you look like an *****, end of story.
  • sox11, on 10/12/2007, -2/+1always a good thing to know
  • Lostcosmos, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2http://digg.com/links/How_to_Order_Wine._Written_by_a_Waiter
  • piratearggghhh, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1I'm not diggin the tipping on the price of the wine. $500 bottle of wine warrants a $50 tip that's considered "fair" and someone tipped $200??? Screw you good for nothing, gotta wait for a refill and check, tip-expecting, but non deserving greedy waiters.
  • Sibertank, on 10/12/2007, -1/+1Great read! Good too know for the future when im old enough to drink wine :p
  • Waredgo, on 10/12/2007, -1/+7Sniffing the cork is a valid thing to do. I grew up in N.Calif. wine territory with my whole family working in the biz in some way or another and we all smell the cork when the wine is opened. There is a lot that you can tell about the wine from the cork, like if it's spoiled or not. Duh.
    Some other tips that I learned when becoming a waiter and having to take a class:
    * Swirling is not what is preferred but rather a gentle rocking forward and back.
    * Always pour with the label pointing up, finish off with a quarter turn of the bottle
    * DO NOT pour the last dregs into anyone's glass - sediment is not like salt, it doesn't add flavor
    * Make sure that foil is peeled away from the lip - lead poisoning is a real thing and why take a chance
    * Forget about the one-nostril sniffs, sucking through the teeth, gargle around the mouth - just make sure that wine hits all of the tongue and don't just guzzle it down.
    * If it is a red, let it sit after opening for a good 5 minutes or more. The higher the tannin content (like in cabs, pinots), and the older the wine the longer you might want to let it sit. I had a 20-year old cab from the vineyard that I used to work in that tasted horrible 5 minutes after opening. 30 minutes later it was a great wine.
    * Best way to judge a wine? Does it taste good? Do you like it? O.K....THAT is a great wine!
    • salmonmoose, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2Someone with a clue.

      You don't have to be an expert, if a wine is bad, chances are you'll be able to tell from the cork, be your nose 'trained' or not.

      You don't need to pay $500 for a bottle of wine, EVER - I'm lucky and live within spitting distance of several wine growing regions, but there isn't a chance in hades that I'd ever spend more than $50 on a bottle of wine (and thats $au) - there are some excellent wines in that price range, as good as any of the 'exotic' wines, don't drink for status.

      The guy writing the article, is what, could be referred to as a '*****' but that's to be expected as it appears where he works charges as much for a single meal as feeding a party of 4 somewhere that isn't about status.
      We don't tip in Australia, unless the service is Excellent - if this Douche's attitude showed through in the slightest he'd be lucky to get my gum wrapped in the receipt - $200 tipping is rediculous.

      I'm sorry, if you work in the service industry, you should accept people for what they are, I work in technical support, and I don't feel the need to write weblogs telling people how much of an idiot they are for using the default "bliss" wallpaper in windows.

      Urgh.
    • doctechnical, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1"sediment is not like salt, it doesn't add flavor"

      Speaking as a beer homebrewer - isn't the sediment pretty much the yeast? Yeast has a flavor all it's own, and it's chock full of Vitamin E - which can help take the curse off the hangover ;)

      As someone who really enjoys a beer that finishes in the bottle (like, say, a Trappist Ale), I *always* drink the dregs. They're good fer ya.

      But then I'm a *beer* snob, and know nothing about wine. I heard it was made from grapes. ;)
  • dagonweb, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1Nice. Now I am gonna make sure I'll never order wine in a restaurant ever again. Imbicile.
  • aura, on 10/12/2007, -2/+3http://digg.com/faq

    What is digg?
    Digg is a --> technology
    • salmonmoose, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2I hate to break your little geek heart, but technology isn't just electronic - there is a great deal of technology involved in making wine, and as such, an OP-ED on how to purchase it is as valid as one on how to buy a PC.
  • Ramble, on 10/12/2007, -1/+2Old.
  • Veritas77, on 10/12/2007, -1/+2HOW TO POST ON DIGG WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN A$$HOLE

    1) Turn off your Caps Lock
    2).Don't use ***** characters to haxorize naughty words.
  • HarryCallahan, on 10/12/2007, -0/+0I consider the assholes to be the ones that make so much fuss over alcoholic grape juice.
  • goettel, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1Reminded me of another Great P&T episode. Funny, and helpful. Dugg.
  • ByteGuerilla, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1How To Write A Digg Title Without Looking Like An Arsehole
  • schlij, on 10/12/2007, -0/+0This was a great article like 5 months ago...
  • nuclearpower, on 10/12/2007, -0/+0I'm not digging any of this *****. $500 for drink? Get *****. If I see a guy pay that for a drink, he's getting jacked in the parking lot. I need his money more than he does.
  • yahoofrom, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1So complicated. I would just say
    "coca cola, please."
  • owine, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1this guy needs "how to submit a digg without being an *****"
  • jordankasteler, on 01/17/2008, -0/+1Why the hell should someone tip $50 for wine and next to nothing for water? The price of the drink shouldn't warrant the tip. The amount of work, hospitality and care should warrant the tip. So what if they stood their while you tasted it.
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