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Was I Wrong To Comment Loudly And Repeatedly On How Disgusting I Found A Stranger’s Exposed Butt Crack, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Was I Wrong To Comment Loudly And Repeatedly On How Disgusting I Found A Stranger's Exposed Butt Crack?
At a restaurant, I was attempting to enjoy a meal with friends while taking in the beautiful ocean view. When I glanced to my right, I saw that the guy at the table next to us was wearing low-hanging shorts that revealed his butt. He was a young guy and appeared to be with family.
Restaurants don't seem to have dress codes or refuse service to customers not dressed in a decent manner.
We had already ordered and were waiting for our meal when I first noticed the guy. So I said, in a voice that the customers next to me could hear, that I could see his butt -- how disgusting when you're in public. The family ignored me, so I repeated my statement again, a little louder.
My friends said I should just not look. But I'm single and always monitor my surroundings to stay safe.
Finally, the mom (I assume) came over and said very quietly that I should have just come over to their table quietly to express myself. Then she went back to their table and told him, not in a quiet tone, to pull his shorts up, and he did comply.
I don't want to see anyone's butt at the meal table. I don't feel it's my place to say anything, but it would have been unsafe for me not to be aware of my surroundings.
How would you recommend handling this situation if it happens again? It was a mood-killer for me.
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the writers behind the Miss Manners persona, encourage the letter writer to speak discreetly to the offending party, or to a server, if this situation arises again. "Miss Manners notices that you twice mentioned safety and monitoring your surroundings," they write. "Having properly identified it, what exactly did you think the butt was going to do to you?" Read the rest of their answer.
Should My Girlfriend And I, Who Are In Our Twenties, Attempt To Retire On A $500,000 Windfall?
My girlfriend and I are in our late-20's. Recently my grandfather died, and I inherited $500,000!
This came as a complete surprise and of course in addition to missing my grandfather and feeling grateful for his generosity, we are thrilled at this unexpected gift.
My girlfriend is eager to retire early. She sees this as life-changing and we are talking about the best way to spend it.
We agreed to bring this dilemma to you.
Amy Dickinson points out that this is the letter writer's decision to make, not their girlfriend's. "You should not be thinking about how to spend this money, but how to invest or save it," she writes. "This is a huge amount of money, and yet it is not even close to the amount someone your age would need to retire." Read the rest of her answer.
Does Politely Asking For A Clean Water Glass At A Restaurant Make Someone A 'Karen'?
On a recent vacation, our family (including two teenagers) was at a restaurant for lunch. We had not had any food yet when I noticed dried food on my water glass. After the server brought our ordered drinks, I calmly noted the food on my glass and asked for a clean one. No drama, and the server was a pro — no hesitation, brought a new glass and comped us a bottle of water.
The hiccup? My teenagers were appalled and embarrassed, basically implying I'm a Karen for first failing to just live with the dirty glass and second not apologizing profusely before asking for a clean one. I tried to explain that part of being served includes clean everything, but they were unpersuaded.
Did I miss something? Is this a generational thing? Literally made no fuss at all and did not suggest anything be comped. But I'm feeling defensive. How to communicate that it's okay to politely ask for corrections when things are amiss?
Carolyn Hax validates the letter writer's actions and perspective. "In your polite request for a correction, you gave the restaurant the chance to fix a problem on the spot, make your experience better and possibly identify a bigger issue before it grew big enough to scare off other customers,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Distance Myself From My Lovely Family To Make Things 'Fair' For My Wife, Whose Family Is Difficult?
A recent weekend trip to visit my wife's family has caused an issue for us. Her parents are difficult people, reactionary, hide-bound, and hard to like. For being only two days long, the visit was full of arguments, passive-aggressive comments, and hurt feelings. By comparison, my parents are great. I get on well with them and enjoy visiting them since visits are relaxed and rarely cause hurt feelings. Before anyone says that I am being unfair, my wife agrees with me! Her parents ARE difficult, mine ARE much easier to get on with. That is the problem.
Apparently, after our last visit, she resents my relationship with my family and "the position I put her in of having to know her family is the bad one.” When we got together, she said, she never thought she'd have this problem since my family is blue collar and she assumed that they would be the problematic ones. (Her parents have gotten significantly more reactionary and right-wing adjacent as they got older. Mine have gone the other way.) She says that I need to adjust my relationship with my parents so things are "fair." I don't know what she expects of me, and she doesn't seem to either. I am hoping that once the hurt feelings from the trip subside we can have a more reasonable conversation. I just don't know how to approach it. I feel like she is being unfair, but I can also see how my relationship with my family hurt her feelings. I hate that. I guess I just want to know what I should be flexible on and what I can't be?
[Slate]
Dan Kois advises the letter writer to talk to their wife in a cooler moment about her feelings about her own family. "This sounds like a classic utterance-in-the-face-of-despair, one that expresses a pure feeling she is having in the moment without really considering the real-world context of those emotions," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Tell My Son, Who Has Already Chosen His Wedding Outfit, That I Wish He Would Wear My Wedding Gown Instead?
My gay son and his partner are getting married. They plan to wear themed outfits. I support their union and their choices. They identify as male and wear traditional male garb. But secretly, I've dreamed that one of them, preferably my son, would wear the traditional white wedding gown that I wore. Its elegance contrasts sharply with their planned outfits. Should I share my desire?
Philip Galanes urges the letter writer to say nothing and to donate her gown to a charity. "You may be trolling me here, but your question would strike me as homophobic even if you weren't," he writes: "Why mention your son's sexuality at all?" Read the rest of his answer.
Should My Boss's Habit Of Showing Off His Wordle Wins Make Me Worry About My Professional Future?
Our team has shared spoiler-free Wordle screenshots in a Slack channel for the last few months, and my boss has been right on the first word three times. What are the odds? It almost feels like gaslighting. There's no way he's that good, right? Should I be more concerned about what this might portend for my professional future?
Roxane Gay rules that this is not gaslighting, but that the boss is probably not really a Wordle savant. "It is far more likely that he wants to make it seem like he is very cool and the best Wordle player of all time to fill an aching void that can be sated only by small, inconsequential victories," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.