Non-monogamy has always existed within human culture in various capacities, but many terms and categories of modern ethical non-monogamy (ENM) are still relatively new. As such, lots of people are curious about dipping their toes into different relationship styles, but are scared that they might rock the boat a bit too much with their partners.

While there is some indication that roughly a fifth of the US population has at some point engaged in a form of ethical non-monogamy (which obviously excludes cheating), that leaves somewhere around 80 percent of folks with no first-hand experience.

If the idea of having sexual and/or romantic relationships with more than one person is intriguing, but you're already in an established monogamous relationship, there's still a path for exploring this brave new world.

Digg has had the pleasure of engaging with a number of non-monogamy educators, so with their expertise and a bit of patience, you can start your own journey toward polyamory, swinging or other forms of ENM.

Interviews have been edited for length and style.

How to broach the subject with a monogamous partner

If the topic of ENM has never come up before, introducing it can be awkward and anxiety-inducing for both parties. That's why polyamory educator Leanne Yau recommends a measured approach that forgoes immediate pressure:

Lots of people don't understand what it is. And a lot of people will perceive someone suggesting that they want an open relationship as grounds to end the relationship — or grounds for a sense of betrayal or something — and so it's important to be tactful and sensitive about it without necessarily being deceitful. — L Y

Danielle, a non-monogamy influencer better known as @OpenlyCommitted, underlines the importance of two-way communication, and working at your own pace during discovery:

Why do they want to be in an open relationship? Is it because they are bisexual and want to explore? Is it because they met someone and have feelings for multiple people? Is it because they missed out on a specific experience?

Being in an open relationship is a solution, but it's often not the only one.

There is no right way to be in an open relationship. A couple can explore non-monogamy and decide to open up tomorrow, or talk about it for years before taking the first step. All that matters is that the people in a relationship feel comfortable and confident about trying something new together. — D

And while you need clear two-way communication for sure, Alicia Bunyan-Sampson, a registered social worker, believes that the whole process needs to start with some introspection:

Before they have a conversation with their partner, they first need to have a conversation with themselves about what exactly an open relationship means to them. For some, an open relationship simply means a 'monogamish' one where the relationship would remain romantically exclusive, but sexually open. For others, an open relationship means open both romantically and sexually. [Non-monogamy] is completely customizable — they need to be clear with themselves about what they want (right now). — A B-S

Finding what kind of non-monogamy works for your relationship

As with every major decision you make in your life, research should play a major role. Danielle, thankfully, has some recommendations on where to start:

Start with research! Many people read "The Ethical Slut;" I also recommend "Polywise" by Jessica Fern. Many creators, podcasts and other resources are available for people who want to explore an open relationship. And if possible, finding a community is key. There are many private Facebook groups and meet up in most cities. And, of course, I have tons of resources on my website. — D

Once you've read up, you might be tempted to push forward quickly, but Danielle reiterates the importance of easing into things:

[Go] at the pace of the person who feels least comfortable. If a couple is opening up a relationship, I have seen many times when one partner can feel rushed or forced into opening up. Opening up a relationship is a process! It can be an adventure and a journey together, but only when both people are comfortable and excited. And then it often takes time. I recommend everyone go slow. — D

Leanne also noted that there will be emotional prep needed to work through the inevitable relationship roadblocks that arise when more than one partner is involved:

I really recommend that couples ensure that they have a secure foundation. Not just in the sense of just, you know, loving each other and having a good relationship, but in the sense that they have good communication skills, strong boundaries, can advocate for themselves, they're able to navigate through conflict, can repair from conflict when it happens and that they argue effectively and maturely.

It's very common for people to put a lot of rules and restrictions on their relationship. Just have all of these arbitrary rules and agreements, and then once they're in practice, they realize they're unrealistic or unenforceable or that they just don't want them. It's something that is a constant kind of fluid renegotiation.  — L Y

Alicia also offers up a selection of useful questions to ask on your search for your optimal path:

What does it mean for this relationship to 'test the water' of non-monogamy? What are the agreements? What are the boundaries? How long is it gong to happen for? Will we check in with each other? How much information are we sharing? Are their specific kinds of information that must be shared and other kinds of information that we want to keep for ourselves? — A B-S

Is a breakup inevitable if your existing partner isn't open to the idea?

Leanne found that, typically, only one specific scenario can avoid a breakup if one partner needs non-monogamy and the other isn't interested:

If someone is straight-up not open to being in a non monogamous relationship, regardless of their own desire of dating one person, then, yeah, a breakup is inevitable because loving someone doesn't mean that you need to stay together. Loving someone means that you want the best for them, and sometimes you are not the person who is best for them. — L Y

Alicia has a similar take on mismatched relationship needs:

Does not being open to non-monogamy mean they will not date a non-monogamous person? Or does it mean they don't want it for themselves?

If it means they will not date a non-monogamous person full stop, then a break up is inevitable. If it means they will date a non-monogamous person just as long as they don't engage in non-monogamy, then the non-monogamous person would then have to think about if [that] is acceptable for them, or if they need to move on.

Not a breakup, but a shift. It is not at all unusual for a non-monogamous person to be in a relationship with a monogamous person. — A B-S

On the flip side, Danielle brought up how rethinking the rules could avoid, or help iron out, potential breakups:

I've spoken to many couples that consider themselves monogamous, but also allow their partner to flirt and go out with members of the opposite sex, but no kissing or physical intimacy is allowed. I've also met swingers who have sexual experiences with other couples, but no emotional intimacy is allowed. — D

There's value in revisiting assumptions regardless of relationship style

No matter what your status is, Danielle brought up the idea of what satiates a relationship, quantifying it as "enough," with insight into her personal life, and a succinct measuring stick:

We have many [deep-seated] beliefs that come from traditional monogamous relationships. Even if you decide that a monogamous relationship is what you want, I still encourage you to examine your thinking regarding the following:

More experiences, more joy. I get to experience more of both things with an open relationship, but an open relationship isn't required either. And no person gets to decide if I am or I'm not enough. — D

TL;DR

It doesn't have to be about sex, and it can be completely about sex. — A B-S

[Image: Ketut Subiyanto]